Did anyone else find that once they’d been through something really traumatic they no longer see people the same way?

[Fortheloveofaboy]

Im not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. The positive is no longer really caring about what people think about you. The negative is this makes your world smaller but then I suppose more authentic.

I’m sorry to hear this. As another poster said, often it’s the kindness of complete strangers that takes your breath away. As much as fairy tale monsters exist, so do the fairy godmothers. I hope you will come to find them soon.

@Bettydavid You are so right; a belief in, or a yearning for, permanence brings only heartache. Part of the lesson of trauma is acceptance of the impossibility of permanence.

Yes, as pp said, I just resolved to look after myself and trust no one.

My world feels much smaller but much calmer and less stressful, but I suppose at some point recovering means being brave and taking a chance on people again.

You often hear this but strangers typically only help because it's a one off and there's little chance of any ongoing commitment.

I'm more patient in some ways but I'm also much, much quicker to cut people out. I used to try and twist myself out of shape to smooth the waters and people please and excuse bad behaviour. Not any more. Any sign of you being in any way tricky and I'll cut you dead from my life. I won't ever allow abusive or toxic behaviour near me anymore. I won't try and understand it or minimise it or work round it or humour it. You'll just be wordlessly cut out.

Yes, I definitely had this thought too and figured that would be a big part of it. I do try to pay it forward though, as we were very grateful

Same. Word for word.

This has made me very sad.
Have you considered therapy? Life is too short to be sitting it out in fear.

This is how I feel I’m becoming. I used to give people so much benefit of the doubt but now I just think too much unresolved issues in you so I’m out. The funny thing is though I used to be the one with so many unresolved issued. Since I’ve been resolving them I’ve become like those who probably looked at me and thought too many issues with this one stay away. I suppose we attract what we are. Now I have a different outlook I don’t want these people. I suppose moral of the story is sort out your own shit instead of trying to fix others. Trauma has forced me to do this.

I will always help those who need it and ask for it and are doing work to make it better.

It definitely made me realise who I could and couldn't rely on in an emergency - my friends are lovely but they just couldn't support as much as my family did.

It made me unbelieveably grateful, more tolerant and willing to overlook many of my family's faults because they absolutely came through when it was an emergency eg. taking time off work, moving in with us when I needed it, etc. My friends were lovely but couldn't really help more than running errands, visits, or supportive messages (which is fine, I didn't expect more).

It's also made me so much more laid-back at work - having had a few traumatic and near-death level health crises definitely puts things into perspective and things that used to stress me out just don't anymore.

I already knew my family of origin would only seek to make a crisis worse, so I didn't confide in them; but I came to realise that my husband is also totally unable to help in any way - not from malice like them, just from his own inability to deal with anything practical or emotional...

It was quite a hard thing to find out, and it has made me realise that you really can only rely on yourself. 😔

And when I confided in one old friend that I had cancer, she said she was sorry but she was 'sure I wouldn't want to go on about it'. When she subsequently got cancer, I was nevertheless there for her, because I'm not a dick...

Same. No time anymore for the pests x

That’s a lot like my story. I thought they are family etc of course they will care. I think it’s made me realise that a lot of the relationships I had were based on my hopes and expectations and they weren’t what I thought. I no longer make assumptions or expectations.

I love this post and it is very close to how I try to live in the world. I found trauma therapy helped me process things as I was in survival mode at the time and the impact hit me a year later when I was no longer firefighting. But I agree it has brought out more compassion- at least on my better days.

The flip side though is that I'm becoming harder towards particular types of people, especially those who weaponise their traumas or opt out of contributing to life when they have no real 'excuse' in my eyes. It's a conundrum.

I think this is too simplistic. When one friend was seriously ill I was able to step up and give a lot of myself in tetms of both practical and emotional support For another, at another time in my life, I was absolutely overwhelmed with my own life and had almost zero capacity to support without making myself very ill. I loved both friends equally and what I was 'really like' had not changed, but life is full of variables and changing circumstances and sometimes we can't be everything to everyone. That doesn't mean we don't care about them greatly.

I'm definitely a version of this since menopause.
Have wonderful friends.
Cut out dead wood and drains and won't entertain them in my life.
Have no problem now saying, sorry I'm just too busy trying to keep up with what I have already going on.
I only make time for those I value and who value me.
Life is so much better as a result.

I think that’s fair.

I think you and @BiblicalArk both have a good point - because you do find out what your friends have to give - but I can also see that people are sometimes already overwhelmed with their own stuff.

I think one of the gifts of trauma, if we can be open to it is, is to learn when you're running on empty and respect that instead of push-pushing through... you learn to prioritise. So I get that.

I actually didn't want anyone to 'do' anything for me - I preferred to drive to my own treatments, to have my doctors' appointments alone. But what really helped was the acknowledgement that 'yes, this is scary and a lot and you're doing the hard yards right now'. Just someone seeing it. And then to carry on having a laugh because that's who I am! 😁

In fact - I did this to myself - I went in with the attitude 'I am going to be a brick about this! I'm going to be cheery and capable!' And I didn't acknowledge it was hard even to myself. And maybe I needed that focus to get through a time of a bereavement and two life-threatening and life-changing illnesses.

But my word, it doesn't half come back over you like a tidal wave when you stop to take breath... 😳

Yes I absolutely feel the same way as you have described

I'm sorry you have had to deal with that.

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer, his two children and his sister dumped him from their lives.

It's shocking how people behave sometimes. Heartbreaking!

I agree. After I lost my Mum I am not the same person. I am no longer a people pleaser.

@Compash

What I meant when I found out who was there for me , I meant people that took the time to ask how I was , I didn't expect anyone to DO things for me , but with some people they just totally ignored me , people who I thought were good friends.