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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

3rd date OLD

46 replies

Winenot1 · 09/01/2025 08:03

Hi, I have been on 2 dates with a man from OLD. We have quite a lot in common and it was going well. We haven't kissed yet as both dates have been sober things like walks and activities so just felt weird to. He has suggested a 3rd date this weekend. I have suggested going out for dinner a few times and I think this is the 3rd time he has suggested I go to his place which is throwing me a red flag. After the 2nd date last week where we went for a walk, he text me casually saying if you wanted to come round for a drink or two.. I am starting to get the vibe that he is only interested in sex but not sure if i am being uptight? I'm not thinking about that ATM as we haven't even kissed. This is the first person I've dated in a very long time after a breakup so I am a bit out of touch.

OP posts:
smallsilvercloud · 09/01/2025 08:11

I'd feel the same I would want a quality date before going back to his, a walk is low effort so it going to his. I would decline and say it's too soon.

jotex · 09/01/2025 08:14

It wouldn’t be an automatic red flag for me, but “a drink or two at my place” is code for heavy petting at the very least (IME). If you’re not ready for that insist on the third date being somewhere else. His response might give you an indication of his character.

Winenot1 · 09/01/2025 08:16

He did say we could have dinner at his this weekend but yeah it's just making me a bit uncomfortable!

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 09/01/2025 08:16

I’d want at least a couple of drinks/dinner dates before an indoor one. A bit more effort up front otherwise the bar is being set pretty low for going forward.

it does look like he’s trying to get you back for sex. Just tell him you’d rather go fur drinks/dinner. His reaction will tell you all you need to know

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 08:17

So he doesn't want to do anything that costs any money whatsoever (even if you went half) just get you straight to his for sex. Definitely just after sex I'm afraid.

PromoJoJo · 09/01/2025 08:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

StarlightLady · 09/01/2025 08:29

I would just say “No, l want to go out” and see what happens. At least you have seen how he lives.

BCBird · 09/01/2025 08:33

If it not what you want then make it clear. I remember when I did OLD my date asked about stopping at mine date 2. Nope- not for me. Not even on the sofa😂 ended up.seeing each other for nearly 2 and h years.

smithey85 · 09/01/2025 08:56

You need to do whatever you feel comfortable doing.

If after two dates I Hadn't kissed, I'd be wanting to either step it up about or I'd be getting bored and would possibly slow fade.

He obviously fancies you which is good, and it doesn't necessarily mean sex , but its likely to be more intimate, which, if that's what you want then great, if not, then say no. I would however pass on the drinks as a extra security measure.

It's unlikely he only wants you for sex, its so easy for men and women to get sex online nowadays so neither have to go through the faff of going on 2 or 3 dates before they have sex - Unless they genuinely like each other.

If you do end up going to his, just be sure to set the boundaries before you go. Make it clear what you are expecting and what you are NOT expecting to happen. A little unromantic but at least neither of you will get hurt or worse.

And remember, its only sex, as long as it's consensual then sex should be fun, not something you should be worrying about even before the deed has been done.

2025GB · 09/01/2025 09:01

I hate the date when they want to cook for you at their place! I would say, I would prefer a night out this time especially as you haven’t done that yet.

Claire903 · 09/01/2025 09:04

I think he's already shown a lack of emotional intelligence

IllustratedDictionaryOfTheDoldrums · 09/01/2025 09:04

It's very possible he's after sex, but not necessarily. I had a third date with a guy around a year ago where he offered to make me dinner at his. I assumed that meant he was up for sex. I ended up being the one to initiate it and he was terribly surprised, startled even 🤣.
Absolutely, it's usually code for sex but I wouldn't assume it definitely is.

Biiiii · 09/01/2025 09:06

He's a stranger, I wouldn't go to his.
He sounds like a cheapskate also.

2025HereICome · 09/01/2025 09:13

Hmmm... he's either angling for sex or can't afford to go out, neither of which bode well for a serious relationship.

Have you told him 'No, I'd prefer to go out.'? See what he says to that.

I'd want a few outdoor dinner/drinks dates before going back to someone's house.

fireworks345 · 09/01/2025 09:13

I wouldn't go. He is after cheap dates, minimal effort and even if you go out for dinner I expect he would want to go 50-50.
You won't be happy with him. Money will be always tight for you there and the minimal effort would put me right off him.
I would decline that many times until he gets the message he isn't getting away with this.
Don't give him more than he has already given you. If he takes you out for fun dates, dinners etc then going to his for a few drinks would be fine. But not in this case.

TwistedWonder · 09/01/2025 09:19

OP - it’s not just about money imo, it’s lack of effort. Daring should be about actually going on dates, not a walk then back to his. I’ll be honest any man who suggests a.walk as a date is an automatic no for me.

The early days set the bar for the relationship. Getting dressed up, going out, having fun not sitting in the sofa with a spag bol.

And please don’t call yourself uptight. That’s a word used by men to criticise and devalue women who don’t jump on demand.

napody · 09/01/2025 09:31

IllustratedDictionaryOfTheDoldrums · 09/01/2025 09:04

It's very possible he's after sex, but not necessarily. I had a third date with a guy around a year ago where he offered to make me dinner at his. I assumed that meant he was up for sex. I ended up being the one to initiate it and he was terribly surprised, startled even 🤣.
Absolutely, it's usually code for sex but I wouldn't assume it definitely is.

😂You never hear the word 'startled' anymore, and this made me laugh out loud- funny and quite adorable of him to be honest!

IllustratedDictionaryOfTheDoldrums · 09/01/2025 11:05

napody · 09/01/2025 09:31

😂You never hear the word 'startled' anymore, and this made me laugh out loud- funny and quite adorable of him to be honest!

It was quite sweet. It turned out his main motivation really was trying to impress me with his cooking skills.
Once he got over his shock at being propositioned, he was keen, but afterwards he kept saying 'I really wasn't expecting that'.
There are still some innocent men out there 🤣

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 11:11

IllustratedDictionaryOfTheDoldrums · 09/01/2025 11:05

It was quite sweet. It turned out his main motivation really was trying to impress me with his cooking skills.
Once he got over his shock at being propositioned, he was keen, but afterwards he kept saying 'I really wasn't expecting that'.
There are still some innocent men out there 🤣

That's so wholesome ahhh

IllustratedDictionaryOfTheDoldrums · 09/01/2025 11:15

OP, I've been dating on and off for a couple of years now. I find the best thing to do is be very, very direct. It just saves everyone time and trouble.

I suggest a message that says something like:
"Hi X, I'm up for meeting up again but thought I'd be direct in what I'm thinking. I'm wondering if you inviting me round to yours means you're hoping for sex. That would be going too fast for me and I'm not up for that yet. I want to get to know you better first. I'd prefer to have a dinner out somewhere."

If he's just after sex, he'll fade away quickly. If he does want a relationship and is being a bit clueless, he'll be up for going out.

LadyjaneOnSteroids · 01/09/2025 19:53

You probably don't know him well enough and feel anxious abt the unknown. Normal.

Many women would jump on the opportunity to visit his home. You have a cell phone and could inform others of your excursions, whereabouts and who you are with. In front of him, call a friend or relative when you have a date, when starting off for home, text or call when you get there. That's what I'd tell one of my kid's to do.

Inviting a woman to his home could mean he is impressed and very interested in you and wants you to know him better by seeing his home environment (He must trust you if he allows you into his home). He may be enthusiastic about his hobbies or interests and want to see what you think of them. Is he organized, neat, and show care for his belongings or will he allow you to examine or touch them?

Sharing a coffee or tea is comforting. Join him while he makes it and offer to help. Sharing a normal activity is a stress reliever. A homey, soft environment is way better than sitting on a hard chair, park bench or strolling in heels. Perhaps he just wants you to be comfortable and at ease for more in depth conversation?

If it is just a hookup he is after, one date would have been enough for him to decide if you were worth persuing. Certainly two dates. Apparently you are worth pursuing.

You must decide if you want to go into his territory. I was in your shoes a few years ago and was delighted and entertained. I married him a year yr later..

It is easier to talk and open up when you are truly alone together in a comfortable setting.. this makes it possible to explore your attraction without an audience which would help you determine how far you want to take this relationship. It is okay to visit his home. He sounds very nice.

Calm your fears bc dating is more difficult for those from our era and when in our later years, even for men. You didnt describe him as mysterious, pushy or naughty. He should be a perfect gentleman and do nothing to frighten you. If anything seems off, ask questions to allay your concerns or decide if something is important enough to ignore.

Only spending time with him, lowering your guard or barriers, being honest, openly communicating, will you become comfortable and really get to know each other. Give him a chance. Enjoy life.

EarthSight · 01/09/2025 20:05

@LadyjaneOnSteroids I think you're on more than just steroids with that poor & weird advice. Your posts sounds fake, but if not, God help your kids!

Many women would jump on the opportunity to visit his home

No they bloody wouldn’t! Not that early!

You have a cell phone and could inform others of your excursions, whereabouts and who you are with. In front of him, call a friend or relative when you have a date, when starting off for home, text or call when you get there. That's what I'd tell one of my kid's to do

Means nothing. Women are raped all the same.

Inviting a woman to his home could mean he is impressed and very interested in you and wants you to know him better by seeing his home environment

It is okay to visit his home. He sounds very nice

Wtf????

Emphasis on 'could' here, but in reality, a man who is trying to get a women to visit his home so soon is either thick, cheap or just after sex. Online dating apps seems to be full of them.

LadyjaneOnSteroids · 06/09/2025 23:33

EarthSight · 01/09/2025 20:05

@LadyjaneOnSteroids I think you're on more than just steroids with that poor & weird advice. Your posts sounds fake, but if not, God help your kids!

Many women would jump on the opportunity to visit his home

No they bloody wouldn’t! Not that early!

You have a cell phone and could inform others of your excursions, whereabouts and who you are with. In front of him, call a friend or relative when you have a date, when starting off for home, text or call when you get there. That's what I'd tell one of my kid's to do

Means nothing. Women are raped all the same.

Inviting a woman to his home could mean he is impressed and very interested in you and wants you to know him better by seeing his home environment

It is okay to visit his home. He sounds very nice

Wtf????

Emphasis on 'could' here, but in reality, a man who is trying to get a women to visit his home so soon is either thick, cheap or just after sex. Online dating apps seems to be full of them.

Maybe for younger ppl would rapists take a woman somewhere out in the sticks or a secluded place. Older ppl who meet up a few times and share information back and forth, do not have nefarious ideas. Wouldn't inviting a lady to his home be a stupid thing for a supposed rapist to do? She would call the police afterwards or go straight to a hospital with evidence. She could take everything he owns in court for reparation while he sits in jail. Her ppl know where she is and with whom. They track her phone. Most old ppl are phone and computer literate.

If a woman thought it improper to visit his home alone, a day time visit would be appropriate. She might ask if her daughter or a friend might also accompany her for a visit. Trust takes time, but her text didnt sound like it had bad intentions. Just awkwardness and of course, no trust as of yet. A person's home says a lot about them.

I went through something similar after a 21 yr divorce. It was difficult to have a conversation with a man and begin dating even after 2 years on my own. Fear, lack of confidence from abuse, desertion, neglect. Awkwardness due to being older and learning who I was as a single person. All the rules had changed since my youth, even behavior, language, music, and my geographical location. I was in a huge city and lost. So yes, ppl in their 50s are quite different from younger ppl.

Older men dont place sex first anymore, you are speaking like a teen to 20s person, who have high sex drive.

Older ppl know time is short and they are simply lonely. They also have experienced so much more, in life, and know what they want, and can make decisions quicker bc of it. Time's a wasting. They are better at discerning things than young ppl are. They dont put themselves in risky situations without having protection or backup. How do you think we have lived so long without being taken advantage of or harmed?

Granny's conversations with this guy on-line, by phone and in person would have given her information that she could verify Gramps's employment and and ppl mentioned that he knows. There are certain things each should verify to feel comfortable. He might need to know if she was in debt or a gold digger, alcoholic, neurotic, gritch, frivolous, conservative, a gossip or just a kind homemaker.

Take into consideration, ppl in their 50s and 60s have lived through their hormonal driven years and have become led more by their heart and mind. So worry not, gramps
has no designs on those granny panties. And may not have the wherewithall to even stoke the fireplace to burn them.

We dont just dance with a guy, have a few drinks, then head to his shack to party. And no man has ever been pushy or crude to me. But I wouldn't have gone out with such a person anyway.

Newfigtree · 07/09/2025 01:14

The thing about home dinner dates is that to be polite and well mannered you have to do the dishes afterwards.
Which means she’s not really being treated and is essentially working for the date. Same with the walking dates, she has to perform some task in order to spend time with this guy.

Elishiva · 07/09/2025 02:55

Sounds like my ex.
wanted dates to happen at his because he is a tight bastard, we never went in a pub together after our 2nd date, I can count the meals out in both hands and we were together 2 years.
misers are not fun to be around, tight with money tight with love,