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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

3rd date OLD

46 replies

Winenot1 · 09/01/2025 08:03

Hi, I have been on 2 dates with a man from OLD. We have quite a lot in common and it was going well. We haven't kissed yet as both dates have been sober things like walks and activities so just felt weird to. He has suggested a 3rd date this weekend. I have suggested going out for dinner a few times and I think this is the 3rd time he has suggested I go to his place which is throwing me a red flag. After the 2nd date last week where we went for a walk, he text me casually saying if you wanted to come round for a drink or two.. I am starting to get the vibe that he is only interested in sex but not sure if i am being uptight? I'm not thinking about that ATM as we haven't even kissed. This is the first person I've dated in a very long time after a breakup so I am a bit out of touch.

OP posts:
LupaMoonhowl · 07/09/2025 03:42

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/01/2025 11:11

That's so wholesome ahhh

Agree /I love that word ‘startled’ 😂😂sounds very sweet. I was surprised to be invited to my man’s house for dinner for our second date (but not OLD - friend of friends so no fear of any danger) but he was also quite innocent - widower who had been married for many years - and turns out his love language is cooking and he is very good at it. He also didn’t expect sex and was surprised to be offered it 😂😂😂😂😂. Turned it he was/is very good at that too😂😂

LadyjaneOnSteroids · 08/09/2025 17:11

Newfigtree · 07/09/2025 01:14

The thing about home dinner dates is that to be polite and well mannered you have to do the dishes afterwards.
Which means she’s not really being treated and is essentially working for the date. Same with the walking dates, she has to perform some task in order to spend time with this guy.

You wont know how the date will go unless you give the man a chance. He might impress her by leaving them for when she is gone. She might offer to help, he may accept or not. Sharing a task doesnt mean a man wants a woman to be his dog. When I attended dinners at parties I was invited, the wives just joined in the kitchen cleaning and talking at the same time. Men brought all the dishes and entertained any kids. It isnt a long or difficult task to clear a table for two. I came from a huge family where she had one of us help prepare meals, one or two washed up after. We all learned and helped. It just wouldn't occur to me to be offended by doing dishes in gratitude for my date's efforts in preparing and/or or paying for it.

A woman should always use her intuition or discernment, intelligence, and experience, in deciding what characteristics and behaviors are important...or not.

Young men are probably more as you describe, but a smart girl could just say, let's get'r done, get up lazy.

I admit, when young, I was taken advantage of by many, for being so helpful. I taught my daughter to be different than I was raised. She was always a fragile, slight girl.

At age 16, I told her: you have a few things you will have to overcome in life. It's good advice for anyone.

You are a female and are blessed with beautiful features and have many talents.

You are very intelligent, 132 IQ @ age 13.

You are small in size (95 lbs size 0) fragile and physically not as strong as others (Ehlers Danlos). You'll have to persevere and use your intelligence to compensate. Learn when not to use it. Most will either be intimidated, jealous, or resentful. Few are happy when someone is smarter than they.

Having good genes, looking age 12 at 30 can be difficult when making friends, winning a job, dating. It is even possible to attract the attention of the wrong sort. Carry pepper spray. (Send your kid to self-defense or martial arts class)

As a female, competing against men for a job and receiving the same pay/benefits/respect for the same or even better performance can be a difficult or impossible.

Her intelligence had caused issues since grade school. I had to get involved a few times bc she developed GERD by the 3rd grade, and from stress and mistreatment. When you notice your child has a coping issue, take charg, take immediate action to ensure the issue is solved and confidence is restored and boosted.

And be assertive but with gentle politeness. When a woman is assertive she is labeled a Gritch. If she is ambitious, she is labeled Aggressive. When you climb a ladder, dont kick others in the face while wearing heels, wear sneakers. No evidence.

Newfigtree · 09/09/2025 00:09

“He might impress her by leaving them for when she is gone.”
how would that impress her? It would leave her feeling awkward and it sets a bad precedent.

LupaMoonhowl · 09/09/2025 07:53

Newfigtree · 09/09/2025 00:09

“He might impress her by leaving them for when she is gone.”
how would that impress her? It would leave her feeling awkward and it sets a bad precedent.

Or he might (very likely if he likes cooking and entertaining) have a dishwasher!!! - honestly no wonder so many people remain on dating sites for ages with this level of overthinking!!!

Newfigtree · 09/09/2025 08:06

LupaMoonhowl · 09/09/2025 07:53

Or he might (very likely if he likes cooking and entertaining) have a dishwasher!!! - honestly no wonder so many people remain on dating sites for ages with this level of overthinking!!!

Edited

Stacking a dishwasher is still a job so is wiping down the benches. I wouldn’t leave it for a date who had spent money and time cooking me dinner to do. That’s rather ungrateful and rude and sets the precedent that whoever cooks gets no help in the clean up.

EverybodyLTB · 09/09/2025 08:12

God is this really being talked about as if it’s not just completely shit? He’s spent no money and no effort, and would like to continue to do so whilst also expecting sex. It’s not rocket science. Throw this one back OP.

Girlmom35 · 09/09/2025 09:25

LadyjaneOnSteroids · 06/09/2025 23:33

Maybe for younger ppl would rapists take a woman somewhere out in the sticks or a secluded place. Older ppl who meet up a few times and share information back and forth, do not have nefarious ideas. Wouldn't inviting a lady to his home be a stupid thing for a supposed rapist to do? She would call the police afterwards or go straight to a hospital with evidence. She could take everything he owns in court for reparation while he sits in jail. Her ppl know where she is and with whom. They track her phone. Most old ppl are phone and computer literate.

If a woman thought it improper to visit his home alone, a day time visit would be appropriate. She might ask if her daughter or a friend might also accompany her for a visit. Trust takes time, but her text didnt sound like it had bad intentions. Just awkwardness and of course, no trust as of yet. A person's home says a lot about them.

I went through something similar after a 21 yr divorce. It was difficult to have a conversation with a man and begin dating even after 2 years on my own. Fear, lack of confidence from abuse, desertion, neglect. Awkwardness due to being older and learning who I was as a single person. All the rules had changed since my youth, even behavior, language, music, and my geographical location. I was in a huge city and lost. So yes, ppl in their 50s are quite different from younger ppl.

Older men dont place sex first anymore, you are speaking like a teen to 20s person, who have high sex drive.

Older ppl know time is short and they are simply lonely. They also have experienced so much more, in life, and know what they want, and can make decisions quicker bc of it. Time's a wasting. They are better at discerning things than young ppl are. They dont put themselves in risky situations without having protection or backup. How do you think we have lived so long without being taken advantage of or harmed?

Granny's conversations with this guy on-line, by phone and in person would have given her information that she could verify Gramps's employment and and ppl mentioned that he knows. There are certain things each should verify to feel comfortable. He might need to know if she was in debt or a gold digger, alcoholic, neurotic, gritch, frivolous, conservative, a gossip or just a kind homemaker.

Take into consideration, ppl in their 50s and 60s have lived through their hormonal driven years and have become led more by their heart and mind. So worry not, gramps
has no designs on those granny panties. And may not have the wherewithall to even stoke the fireplace to burn them.

We dont just dance with a guy, have a few drinks, then head to his shack to party. And no man has ever been pushy or crude to me. But I wouldn't have gone out with such a person anyway.

You have no idea how the word works, and spewing this kind of information isn't just dumb, it's dangerous. You're misinforming people who might actually believe this garbage.

When rape happens:
Most women are raped by people they know and trusted, younger and older men alike.
Most women who are raped are too ashamed to press charges.
Most women who do press charges aren't believed by the police (what were you wearing, were you asking for it, did you lead him on, ...)
Most cases that do go to trial are dismissed because of lack of evidence, even when she went to a hospital straight after. Because he can simply claim that they agreed on rough sex, and that's that. Unless there's video evidence of him assaulting her or if they find drugs in her system (in which case she has to prove she didn't take the drugs voluntarily).
Only 4% of rapes lead to a conviction.
Those are facts.

OP, you don't go to someone's house on the third date if you're not ready for sex, because it will be implied and you don't want to be in this situation.
I also agree it's completely fair to expect someone to show a bit more effort in planning dates before moving forward.

LadyjaneOnSteroids · 09/09/2025 17:10

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landlordhell · 09/09/2025 17:11

Nah don’t go back to some guy’s house when you barely know him. Look after you.

landlordhell · 09/09/2025 17:13

Winenot1 · 09/01/2025 08:16

He did say we could have dinner at his this weekend but yeah it's just making me a bit uncomfortable!

Trust that gut.

LadyjaneOnSteroids · 09/09/2025 17:28

EverybodyLTB · 09/09/2025 08:12

God is this really being talked about as if it’s not just completely shit? He’s spent no money and no effort, and would like to continue to do so whilst also expecting sex. It’s not rocket science. Throw this one back OP.

How do you know what a man is thinking? Does offering to cook for a woman mean a man expects sex in the UK? They both have declared what they are after before agreeing to date. They are older and not driven by libido. You shouldn't discourage a possible relationship bc you may not be as lucky. Or, is your philosophy on dating that men should spend some effort and cash wooing and impressing you first?

Mature and older ppl lay their cards on the table and play no games as young ppl do. We dont have youth, excess energy or hormones, and time on our side. We dont go to clubs, raves, concerts and other crowded places to meet someone. We meet through family or friends if we have them or church, if we attend. Her acquaintance would probably be shocked at the accusations and assumptions made concerning him, based upon a few shy and uncertain statements. Would you have her live alone and fearful the rest of her life?

LadyjaneOnSteroids · 09/09/2025 17:38

Newfigtree · 09/09/2025 00:09

“He might impress her by leaving them for when she is gone.”
how would that impress her? It would leave her feeling awkward and it sets a bad precedent.

Why would she feel awkward? By leaving the dishes, he wants to spend time talking with her without stopping to work.

This entire thread is being infiltrated by young ppl who are not married and/or have no children. It's as if they have no life skills, no good judgement or relationship building skills either. It could be they might learn something if they just read and didnt feel the need to contribute. However, I am concerned at the notes of distrust, fear, need for control and aggressive tone of their comments. Something is definitely and negatively affecting the younger generations.

FlexiSadie · 09/09/2025 17:40

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Wtf. So people are raped because they aren't smart?

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 17:42

We dont go to clubs, raves, concerts and other crowded places to meet someone.

Speak for yourself - I’m 50+ and many of my friends met their current partners at raves and festivals. The mature dance music scene is huge here.

You’re on a UK site - it’s a very different culture here to what you’re used to

Subwaystop · 09/09/2025 17:50

There’s a feminist dating approach called female dating strategy. It’s about raising the bar super high so you don’t waste time chasing awful men. You might not agree with everything, but there are some useful ideas there. One of them is to spot low efforts by a mile. If he can’t be bothered to spend on you and woo you this early, then watch how terrible he will be down the line. Raise your standards - go out for dinner and let him make an effort or walk away.

Imaybeoldbutstillrandy · 09/09/2025 17:54

People who say older people are less interested in sex are wrong. I know my DH was & still is VERY interested in sex.

We dated for about 10 weeks before we finally had sex, but not to say he didn't try it on many times. It was 8 weeks before he saw the inside of my flat as I needed to feel comfortable and safe with him before allowing him into my home/safe place. Although we used to snog in the car outside when he dropped me home like a couple of teenagers which was fun (you can tell a lot about a man by the way he kisses & DH is a bloody good kisser!)

When I was at university if we invited a boy/man back for coffee they knew that we meant sex. Both of us having had experience of this & having joked about it, I used to invite him in for a cup of tea or hot chocolate. He would say 'so coffee's not on offer then?' I would say not tonight LOL!

Eventually he invited me to his holiday cottage for a weekend. I spent a lovely afternoon relaxing in his hot tub while he cooked dinner & plied me with wine. When it came to bedtime I suggested that I should sleep in the second bedroom - 'not on your nellie-you're in with me!' was his response.

My point is I don't think it's a good idea to go to dinner at his place as you could find yourself in an awkward position.

Take it slowly, there's nothing wrong with walks, coffees in cafes, lunches and so on where you can talk & get to know each other. DH demonstrated that he was genuine by bringing me produce from his garden, flowers, CDs, DVDs of films that we'd discussed etc.

Shelfdrived · 09/09/2025 18:45

Agree its not an automatic red flag. I agree to not get drunk. Assume he seems pleasant and mainstream and you have his surname and job details and some verified online details?

I'd be a little bit wary about the "drinks" aspect....but just don't get drunk or have a cup of tea.

I think if someone from an app tries this (either his or yours or a cocktail bar close to his) before in person he's probably just looking for a hookup.

However....men I've met off apps have often suggested dropping into theirs soon after physically meeting (all good catches as the saying goes).

They wanted to show off their home as they were serious about meeting someone ASAP and felt I was girlfriend material and wanted me to be comfortable in their home.

They had alcohol in but definitely weren't plying me with it. Things didn"t progress for personality reasons but they were happy to plan and pay for dinners and mini breaks and indicated they'd be happy if things got serious.

One even insisted I text a friend his address the first time I came over.

Men aren't women, they aren't scared we can overpower them.

Lots of men may have house shared with women or have attractive uni female friends. So a woman coming over isn't a "sex thing".

Absolutely agree there are some crazy men out there and even a small weak man can overpower a woman.

However, assaulting someone at your home address with a paper trail of sustained contact...a police complaint would destroy the life of a mainstream working man. It's a big risk.

If it's a hotel meet or someone random/untraceable with a transient lifestyle that's very different to yours, I'd say to be warier.

EverybodyLTB · 09/09/2025 18:50

LadyjaneOnSteroids · 09/09/2025 17:28

How do you know what a man is thinking? Does offering to cook for a woman mean a man expects sex in the UK? They both have declared what they are after before agreeing to date. They are older and not driven by libido. You shouldn't discourage a possible relationship bc you may not be as lucky. Or, is your philosophy on dating that men should spend some effort and cash wooing and impressing you first?

Mature and older ppl lay their cards on the table and play no games as young ppl do. We dont have youth, excess energy or hormones, and time on our side. We dont go to clubs, raves, concerts and other crowded places to meet someone. We meet through family or friends if we have them or church, if we attend. Her acquaintance would probably be shocked at the accusations and assumptions made concerning him, based upon a few shy and uncertain statements. Would you have her live alone and fearful the rest of her life?

Or, is your philosophy on dating that men should spend some effort and cash wooing and impressing you first?

Put simply, yes. Effort and cash, please! Men who invest neither can crack on with someone with lower standards. And I’m not young and childless and naive, or playing games. I’m just not a cheap date for someone putting in minimal energy.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 09/09/2025 18:54

3rd date is the date most likely to end in sex (well, plus any subsequent dates of course).

So some men will hang around for 3. Make him wait at least a month to see if he's really interested in getting to know you and not just after a shag.

AtBeaverGoat · 09/09/2025 19:06

fireworks345 · 09/01/2025 09:13

I wouldn't go. He is after cheap dates, minimal effort and even if you go out for dinner I expect he would want to go 50-50.
You won't be happy with him. Money will be always tight for you there and the minimal effort would put me right off him.
I would decline that many times until he gets the message he isn't getting away with this.
Don't give him more than he has already given you. If he takes you out for fun dates, dinners etc then going to his for a few drinks would be fine. But not in this case.

And so it should be 50/50 in the modern world of equality

Imaybeoldbutstillrandy · 09/09/2025 20:44

Slightyamusedandsilly · 09/09/2025 18:54

3rd date is the date most likely to end in sex (well, plus any subsequent dates of course).

So some men will hang around for 3. Make him wait at least a month to see if he's really interested in getting to know you and not just after a shag.

When OLD I didn't know this thing about the 3rd date. Put it to DH & he fell about laughing saying if he'd known, he would have tried to put his hand up my skirt on date no3 rather than date no10. 😂

For context we used to see each other about 3-4 times a week when dating.

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