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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have an opportunity to'save'my relationship and I am ballsing it up, it would seem

27 replies

dividedself · 04/05/2008 11:21

I started a bad relationship 7 months ago. Bad in that dp was and still is divorcing his wife. We are really at the end of the road as the stress has just been too much and now there is bitterness and resentment on both sides even though we had some very happy times together and he was apparently 'crazy about me'. Now, he admits that the actual love has gone and I'd admit that I'm quite unhappy although I still love him. Neither of us want to give up on things completely- we did try this but missed each other greatly despite the arguments but as soon as we're back on, we are snappy and it isn't working at all.

We do have a lot to save- we both have children who are also close and we are very happy when the stresses aren't there.

The divorce will not be complete before the end of this summer so we have decided to cool things and kind of date one another on a more casual basis. We are offering one an other fidelity,etc.and taking a 'let's seewhat happens' approach.

However, I am tormented by both missing his company and the idea that fidelity is uncertain when there is very little binding us together right now. It is true that he is going on a bit of mid-divorce bender although I'm not saying he is unfaithful,he is just being quite, um, carefree and drinking a lot with his male friends. He needs this and should have done this beforewe got involved with each other.Everything is in reverse,sadly.

Also, I'd say he is the driving force behind cooling things off although I KNOW it is the only way forward. Honestly, I think complete separation would be better but he always misses me and me him and we never stay proeprly apart. Plus, I don't know if I could handle the having other relationships part of separating now.

We are destroying what little we have leftas things are. What can we do?

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 04/05/2008 11:24

7 months in and things are already going tits up. Do you want an honest answer? This is way too much drama to be going through in the very early stages of a relationship. And with a man who isn't even divorced yet. I'd run a mile.

Original poster
dividedself · 04/05/2008 11:27

I kind of see that but we are very fond of each other and it is too late to turn back the clock. Very deep feelings involved,partly because of the support offered through the early part of the divorce.

The timing has been so wrong and nowwestandtolose what was a really good thing.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 04/05/2008 11:29

I agree with MrsMattie. At 7 months everything should be romance and flowers, not this. Agree to meet in a year with no promises in between and see if you still want to make a go of it.

Original poster
dividedself · 04/05/2008 11:31

God, I see I'm going to have to accept the unacceptable here unless someone posts a differing pov. I am going to miss 'us' somuch

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 04/05/2008 11:34

To be brutally honest, once you are 'big people' with children and divorces going on and full on adult responsibilities, you kind of have to use your head not your heart. Deep feelings involved or not, the facts seem to be:

  1. He is still married and the end isn't even in sight yet. Lots more drama and difficulty to come, I expect, before that chapter of his life is over. 20 You have only been together for a few months. Very early days for your relationship to be under such stress.
  2. You say things like 'he admits that the actual love has gone' + ' there is bitterness and resentment on both sides '.

It just doesn't sound like the beginnings of a happy, stable relationship to me.

I'm not being mean, just trying to give an honest outsider's view based on what you have said.

Fullmoonfiend · 04/05/2008 11:34

After all you have been through, I have to agree with the others and say this does not sound like a beneficial relationship. And to add, if it is meant to be, you will get back together at some point in the future.

Cappuccino · 04/05/2008 11:37

no I'm with Mattie too

I know you think you love him but love isn't all this stress

love should make you feel good

there are so many posters on here in relationships with men who drink too much, and don't love them enough, and you are here after 7 months?

'we had some very happy times' - everyone does in the first months of a relationship

if the happy times have dried up less than a year in, I wouldn't fight for it, tbh - you could lose a couple of years of your life trying to get them back before finally giving up - and missed the chance to get a better relationship in the meantime

Original poster
dividedself · 04/05/2008 11:37

Thank you all. I needed to hear what I didn't want to hear really.

Does anybody think the 'casual relationship' idea could work or is complete separation the only way?

OP posts:
Original poster
dividedself · 04/05/2008 11:38

Thanks Capp. I'm guilty of fighting til the death.

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 04/05/2008 11:38

won't it just raise your hopes?

TheProvincialLady · 04/05/2008 11:40

No chance. You obviously feel too much for it to be casual. You would end up very hurt I think. A clean break would be hard but at least you can move on and maybe meet the man who is for you, which you won't do whilst you are still chasing a dead end relationship. Sorry, I know that is not nice to hear but you deserve better than this.

Cappuccino · 04/05/2008 11:40

I don't honestly think it will do much for your self esteem to even date a man who loved you and then gave up doing so

you are worth more than that surely?

relationships tend to be going somewhere - forward or backward

Original poster
dividedself · 04/05/2008 11:42

I don't know. I'm so confused. I think it's over for now and maybe (maybe not) we'll get another chance under better happier circumstances but I'm having a hard time lettign go when we both know it's not 'us' it is all the stress of the divorce.

I'm gutted that I met a man I like and who I can be more 'me' with than my previous relationships at completely the wrong time.

OP posts:
Fullmoonfiend · 04/05/2008 11:43

my good friend has had a similar experience, in terms of 9-months of realtionship with dream bloke - they even got engaged. When sober he was truly a dream partner. Otherwise it was ''Instant Arsehole - just Add alcohol''
Anyway, she tried the casual thing as they missed each other's company, but he really couldn't cope with the idea of casual relationship and would get insanely jealous if she saw (even platonically) other men. The whole set-up really confused their children too.

Original poster
dividedself · 04/05/2008 11:44

I agree. He doesn't love me and I'm a bit stupid to continue if that's the case. And,yes,I will end up hurt because my feelings are too strong. I supposeI just feel that maybe if we spend some 'lighter' time together the good bits and the love will creep back..?

OP posts:
Original poster
dividedself · 04/05/2008 11:47

By the way, I opted to end it for good after a holiday together last month that became a nightmare. He got in touch asking me to try and save what we have, but he can see I can't do this casual thing,not after being so close and now he is gettign frustrated with my neediness.

OP posts:
Fullmoonfiend · 04/05/2008 11:50

BTW, I think you are being too hard on yourself - you seem to be blaming this break-up on yourself, your neediness. When from what you have said, it is circumstances which have caused the stress and the problems. Seems more like a classic case of right bloke, wrong time. Rather than ''right bloke but I have driven him away.''

Please try and be kinder to yourself Dividedself x

AbricotsSecs · 04/05/2008 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Pheebe · 04/05/2008 12:28

tbh I suspect your relationship may have been a rebound thing and you may be (far) more committed than he is. It sounds like he may be trying to break free and you aren't letting him.

Let him go...imo

Original poster
dividedself · 04/05/2008 12:37

Ok. Sorry to be so questioning, but the thing is I have these convos in my head and it all seems so contradictory. He categorically states he wants to save things and it is him making contact with me when I stay away. This all leaves me so unsure about whether I'm doing the right thing calling a stop to it all.

I guess I don't want to throw away something that is salvageable given a bit of time and space.

He has had his chance to walk but he keeps holding on, and I'm letting it happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
dividedself · 04/05/2008 12:45

My dc know about drugs in the sense that drugs are Calpol and illegal substances and paracetamol and banana antibiotics. They show little interest in the illegal substances side of things because it has no tangible meaning for them, iyswim. However, they do talk about being drunk sometimes and have some idea what that is in a primitive sort of way. They are 8, 6 and 4.

OP posts:
Original poster
dividedself · 04/05/2008 12:46

oops wrong thread

OP posts:
LaComtesse · 04/05/2008 12:46

You could walk away though and make the decision for him so he would have to accept it in time. I may be wrong but it sounds to me as though he is having trouble in letting either women in his life go - his wife and you. I don't know if he loved you, thought he did or doesn't now, what matters is you don't need to be going through this turmoil whilst you both shilly-shally and he divorces. If you must, then set a date in future for contacting each other again but in the meantime, move on with your life. Seven months is not a long time to have to tolerate stressy relationships in.

littlewoman · 04/05/2008 13:49

I don't understand why he would want to hang on to the relationship if the love has gone. That's quite an unkind thing to say, especially if he expects you to keep seeing him after he's said it. I absolutely certainly would not, if it was me. Think he is still hung up on his mrs, knows you are kind, and needs you to bolster him at this rough point in his life. But if the love isn't there, I think it will all go tits up when he is feeeling a little stronger. This is only an opinion, obviously, but I wouldn't put my heart on the line for something so unrewarding. Sorry.

Pheebe · 04/05/2008 14:16

Sounds like classic rebound behaviour to me in that he doesn't seem to really know what he wants as he hasn't resolved his PREVIOUS relationship in his heart or in his head yet. He wants to be free (off with his mates etc) but still have the security of what he's become used to - a relationship. Sadly at the mo it sound to me like his relationship with you is a surrogate for his old relationship (doesn't mean there aren't deep feeling involved or that you can't make it work long-term)

I think you need to be the one to cool things off, back away, possibly completely and ask him to stay away until his divorce is resolved and he is really ready to start afresh with you. Sounds to me like you have to be the strong one in order to, as you say yourself, see if this realtionship is a goer given a little time and space.

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