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Original poster

Advice needed regarding difficult Ex wife

40 replies

Roseredtiny · 08/01/2025 20:43

Advice sought.

My partner split with his wife 4 years ago, we knew each other when the divorce was happening and we started our relationship not long after they split. The EX wife has never forgiven us for getting together so soon. She refers to me as the family destroyer, claiming if it hadn't been for me they could have gone to mediation and work things out, something my partner refutes, he always told me their marriage had been dead for at least 4 years before he left her. They had 2 children together who were 10 and 8 at the time of the split and she had a son from a previous relationship that was then 19. My partner was very fair in the divorce, signing over his 1/2 million pound house that she had put nothing into, gave her a lump sum of 85K and paid top child maintenance and voluntary spousal maintenance even though his solicitor said he was being over generous, he said he wanted to ensure her and the kids were looked after financially, something i admired about him. He shares joint custody and the kids are with him every other weekend and certain nights of the week also. However the issue i have is she poisons the kids against me, tells them they are not allowed to speak to me, they are to call me THE WITCH, she threatens them that if they have anything to do with me and she finds out they will be traitors and disloyal to her. She constantly bombards my partners phone with abuse directed towards our relationship and me in particular. She has flatly told my partner the kids will never accept me and she will not let them stay in his house if i am there, which resulted in me not being allowed to stay at the partners house on days he had the kids. Now my partner tells me that he wants me to move in with him but we have not ever been able to introduce me to his kids because the ex will not allow it, and the kids are scared of upsetting their mother so hide if i try to 'pop by'.

Now she is asking my partner to go round and fit up furniture she had brought for their sons bedroom and is inviting him to go to a family day out for his birthday but i am not allowed and during a recent telephone conversation she screamed Fuck off down the phone at me after asking my partner if i was in teh room.

My partner sees nothing wrong with helping her with the furniture and going out with them for the birthday celebrations despite her behaviour towards me.

I am upset and told him so, and he is now angry with me, saying this is for his son.

would appreciate advice... am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 08/01/2025 20:47

You can’t change anyone else’s behaviour. All you can do is decide whether he’s worth it.

Menopants · 08/01/2025 20:49

I can see why she is bitter . Her behaviour is a bit extreme but it’s not hard to see why she thinks you might have contributed to the end of her marriage. You sound like a bit of a dick the way you talk about his divorce settlement

Madamegreen · 08/01/2025 20:55

Her anger is hiding she's lamenting the end of her marriage. Quite likely she's in love. Marriage breakdown does cause lifelong PTSD symptoms in some people....

Original poster
Roseredtiny · 08/01/2025 20:58

so what should i do, accept that is it and just keep quiet?

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 08/01/2025 21:02

You accept it or leave. His parental and co-parenting relationships shouldn’t be dependant on whether you are included or whether they are nice to you. They’re not your family - you don’t need to be invited along to things just as they aren’t invited to everything the two of you do.

Original poster
Roseredtiny · 08/01/2025 21:04

But it is affecting our relationship because i cannot be there when they are. which i feel is unfair?

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 08/01/2025 21:05

I think either you put up with this or tell him to make a decision about your future. He’s clearly a wuss. He’s very disloyal to you in my view. He needs to say some of her behaviour is not acceptable. Personally I’d go and leave him to it and I would be telling him that either I meet these dc or I go for good. How long are you going to put up with this?

lovemetomybones · 08/01/2025 21:05

You have a bigger partner problem. This is his ex wife, his mess and he is not supporting you and fixing it.

Helping her build furniture, go on family birthdays when the situation is so dire shows the lack of respect he has for you. And it's not doing his children any favours playing happy families blurring the boundaries.

Like my husband, your partner is doing what he can for an easy life. My DH at first didn't deal well his ex wife effectively so she didn't cause drama because he didn't want to rock the boat. I responded by saying do not think for one moment you're u will get an easy life if you do take the easy route as opposed to the right path. Every time he did I absolutely made his life hell. It soon stopped him.

Original poster
Roseredtiny · 08/01/2025 21:05

By there i mean in the house, so if we live together i have to keep staying out when the kids are there. either in hotels or with friends.

OP posts:
Bojo72 · 08/01/2025 21:07

Is this the life you imagined?

Either He sorts it or you bin him off.

Original poster
Roseredtiny · 08/01/2025 21:10

The problem is the kids are frightened by what their mum is telling them so now they are reluctant to meet me. I think my partner is worried if he pushes it they will stop seeing him and side with the mum, :(

I don't want him to lose his kids.

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 08/01/2025 21:13

He's being pathetic. His ex is being a bitch.

Is he worth it?

TwistedWonder · 08/01/2025 21:19

Is he really worth this drama? Pu have a wimp of a DP problem. He’d rather pacify his ex than stand up for you. Is that really what you want from life?

Does his ex think you were the OW?

Original poster
Roseredtiny · 08/01/2025 21:20

yes she does

OP posts:
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 08/01/2025 21:20

So they're 12 & 14 now? Since at those ages they can chose to come or not its too late for him to change this, he should have done differently when they were younger. If they refuse to engage and won't be there while you are he has to chose seeing them or living with you. I know which choice I'd make. In your shoes I know what choice I'd make too, I'd cut my loses and leaving. You could hang around till they're young adults and move out, maybe it would eventually be ok, or maybe you'd be sitting at home for every family occasion on his side. The only thing you can control here is your behaviour, given the situation and what you can't change what do you want to do?

Moonshine5 · 08/01/2025 21:24

His children are fairly young. There's no right or wrong. Maybe it was too quick to rush in. You only have his word that the marriage was over for years before you

LittleOwl153 · 08/01/2025 21:27

He needs to get his kids into some counselling. That kind of behaviour is very damaging for them.

I'd tell him you obviously won't be moving in until this is sorted and if it doesn't happen within a reasonable timeframe then the relationship is over.

He can go to court to sort out proper legalised access to the kids and he can also amend his payments at any time if they are not court ordered... the question is does he want to?

Snorlaxo · 08/01/2025 21:29

He might have considered the marriage over 4 years before divorce but it’s possible that she would disagree with that point.

I wouldn’t move in with him and “hide” every other weekend and special occasions like Christmas and birthdays. He is more concerned with ex’s feelings than yours and is out of order wanting you to move in before sorting things out with his ex properly.

He’s not unreasonable for building furniture but family days for his birthday is madness when he’s been with you for 4 years. He should see the kids but there’s no need to see the ex and have a family day.

This isn’t going to get better and I hope for your sake that you’re not planning on having kids because it will get even worse and you’ll feel resentful that you and your child are the number 2s in his life half of the time. It doesn’t have to be this hard 💐

FedUp1000 · 08/01/2025 21:29

I think 12 & 14 are tricky ages to introduce children to a partner & even harder given her bad mouthing you. I think it’s unlikely to go well even if your partner stood up to his ex.

I understand your partner wanting to do things for his DC, I don’t see that as disloyal to you. His DC should come first.

Her behaviour is unacceptable (and I say that as someone who had their exH leave for an OW), it’s not putting the DC’s best interest at heart. BUT you can’t change that.

i think you have to accept the situation or cut your losses and end the relationship.

Biiiii · 08/01/2025 21:30

I'd advise you to leave him it's just too much drama.

I would hope the mum and children get therapy.
I would assume your partner was 'overgenerous' out of guilt for how he treated her, maybe there were other affairs or some other stuff you don't know about.

Cardinalita90 · 08/01/2025 21:32

I'm not clear if you were with him before he formally separated from her? If yes, I think you'll have to accept the kids may not ever want a relationship with you.

If that wasn't the case, your partner should be drawing some boundaries with his ex. If she's behaving so aggressively and he's been as generous in his settlement as you say, she should be able to afford a handyman to put up shelves.

MyNewLife2025 · 08/01/2025 21:34

You have a DP problem.

Youll never move in together if things continue that way.
He is playing by her tune. Going to her house when she asks. Stopping from living his life like he wants (aka have a partner) etc etc…
And he is CHOOSING for that to happen.

Don’t be fooled. By saying he can’t see the issue etc…. He is putting his ex first (come in, I’m sure she build a flat lack!) and you second.
His fear of not seeing them? Excuses.
He could have handled that better right from the start, talking to the dcs! to start with and putting boundaries in place with his ex. I’d even go as far as saying that she played the victim very well and used his guilt of ‘breaking up the family’ to her own advantage. Which he p,Syed happily along until now.

And why is it an issue? You want to move to the next stage and move in together.
And it’s not compatible with keeping the ex sweet and ding as she says.

I have great doubts you’re going to win that battle. He seems too weak.

sunflowersngunpowdr · 08/01/2025 21:42

I don't believe your story. How do you know she's saying these things to the kids if you don't speak to them? Why would your husband hand over a the entire house plus a lump sum plus child support plus spousal support when the youngest was 8? Did he feel guilty? You got together soon after the divorce... when did you meet? Did you have anything to do with triggering the divorce? If it was over 4 years before then why didn't he leave then? Why would he ask you to move in when he knows his kids hate you? Too much weirdness in your post.

MoveToParis · 08/01/2025 21:44

I would let him go. Yes they are 12/14 but most kids are at least in their twenties before they will stand up to this level of crazy.

If he has any sense, and you part, he’ll let her know that he would never go near her.
But she will never stop- I dated someone whose parents had split 35 years previously, and hating ‘The OW’ was still her hobby and life’s purpose. You are with someone of the same mentality.

aCatCalledFawkes · 08/01/2025 21:44

My partner was very fair in the divorce, signing over his 1/2 million pound house that she had put nothing into.

I loathe comments like this. What you put in to a marriage isn't supposed to be based on monetary value especially when you have children, also your narrative is making him out to be perfect whilst he's telling you that his marriage was dead for four years before - have you thought she might disagree?