Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Advice needed regarding difficult Ex wife

40 replies

Roseredtiny · 08/01/2025 20:43

Advice sought.

My partner split with his wife 4 years ago, we knew each other when the divorce was happening and we started our relationship not long after they split. The EX wife has never forgiven us for getting together so soon. She refers to me as the family destroyer, claiming if it hadn't been for me they could have gone to mediation and work things out, something my partner refutes, he always told me their marriage had been dead for at least 4 years before he left her. They had 2 children together who were 10 and 8 at the time of the split and she had a son from a previous relationship that was then 19. My partner was very fair in the divorce, signing over his 1/2 million pound house that she had put nothing into, gave her a lump sum of 85K and paid top child maintenance and voluntary spousal maintenance even though his solicitor said he was being over generous, he said he wanted to ensure her and the kids were looked after financially, something i admired about him. He shares joint custody and the kids are with him every other weekend and certain nights of the week also. However the issue i have is she poisons the kids against me, tells them they are not allowed to speak to me, they are to call me THE WITCH, she threatens them that if they have anything to do with me and she finds out they will be traitors and disloyal to her. She constantly bombards my partners phone with abuse directed towards our relationship and me in particular. She has flatly told my partner the kids will never accept me and she will not let them stay in his house if i am there, which resulted in me not being allowed to stay at the partners house on days he had the kids. Now my partner tells me that he wants me to move in with him but we have not ever been able to introduce me to his kids because the ex will not allow it, and the kids are scared of upsetting their mother so hide if i try to 'pop by'.

Now she is asking my partner to go round and fit up furniture she had brought for their sons bedroom and is inviting him to go to a family day out for his birthday but i am not allowed and during a recent telephone conversation she screamed Fuck off down the phone at me after asking my partner if i was in teh room.

My partner sees nothing wrong with helping her with the furniture and going out with them for the birthday celebrations despite her behaviour towards me.

I am upset and told him so, and he is now angry with me, saying this is for his son.

would appreciate advice... am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:

FallenRaingel · 08/01/2025 21:48

What exactly makes him your partner? He's still beholden to his ex wife that he allows to abuse you. You can do better than this pathetic excuse for a man.

TizerorFizz · 08/01/2025 21:54

@aCatCalledFawkes If he offered up the house then that was possibly generous depending on pensions, earnings and savings. It’s likely to be around 50:50 normally so if she got a house that’s fairly reasonable. Divorce is always ultimately about money, it’s needed to buy homes and live. Both parties argue their position regarding a fair settlement.

Glitchymn1 · 08/01/2025 21:56

“even though his solicitor said he was being over generous” be that as it may it’s in the past.

He wants you to move in but leave when the kids are over? How does that work then? It’s not going to is it. What’s he thinking?

His ex sounds deranged, she shouldn’t be involving the kids in her drama.

AwaitingFreedom · 08/01/2025 22:04

They had 2 children together who were 10 and 8 at the time of the split (..). My partner was very fair in the divorce, signing over his 1/2 million pound house that she had put nothing into,
Ouch!! I'm pretty sure she did invest in it, just not in the way you think she should have.

You have a partner problem rather than an ex wife problem. He's never going to stick up for you so you have to decide if this relationship is worth your sanity. Personally I don't think it is.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 08/01/2025 22:11

Roseredtiny · 08/01/2025 21:20

yes she does

And you genuinely weren't?

Orangesinthebag · 09/01/2025 07:23

It's amazing how often on here you read about this incredibly selfless men who give all to their ex wife & are treated so badly by them but are complete angels of course.

Unless you were actually party to the divorce discussions and have heard her side of things I would take a lot of what he tells you with a pinch of salt. If the ex wife is as angry as you say I would bet money on there being a back story you don't know about; previous affairs is one possible explanation.

Have you considered that he quite likes going round there to make furniture, spending time as a family, that he likes having his cake and eating it?

As others have said, instead of focussing on the ex I would look at him & his behaviour.

And I would proceed with caution in this relationship too.

Orangesinthebag · 09/01/2025 07:27

Also it's pretty crap to say "she put nothing in" when talking about the house if she was caring for & bringing up his children. Money isn't the only contribution to a marriage.

aCatCalledFawkes · 09/01/2025 09:54

TizerorFizz · 08/01/2025 21:54

Yes I have been divorced. I just loathe the whole “she didn’t put anything in” line. As you say it starts at 50/50 and is marital assert.

Pumpkinpie1 · 09/01/2025 11:14

Your timeline for this relationship sounds sketchy OP. The relationship was dying for 4 years , did his wife and kids know ? Or is he spinning you lines from the script to justify his behaviour?
Anyway instead of waiting you jumped into a relationship with a still married man , gossip about their divorce and settlement at the same time as being judgemental. His Ex could have a point , their marriage may have been saved if you weren’t on the scene.

Yes the Ex is not behaving well . But neither are you, neither is your boyfriend.
Let the man have a relationship with his children without your interference. Whilst there’s still the opportunity.
Going out with married men can be complicated as you are learning.

maclen · 09/01/2025 12:48

Me and my ex were 'split up' for 4 years.... we still ended up in bed together and he had left me for someone else. Didn't stop him using both of us for his gains. I'd be very cautious of your BF... He seems to be happy in the current situation playing you both off against each other it seems.

itsstillmehere · 09/01/2025 12:56

First of all he needs to keep to himself what she says about you in messages. There is nothing to be gained by you knowing this. I hope he doesn't engage with her about this.
Secondly she has no say over whether the children meet you or not.
Thirdly as regards helping her assemble furniture my husband did this for this ex as it was for his teens.

How old are the children?

itsstillmehere · 09/01/2025 12:57

Apologies I've just seen.

duckyducko · 09/01/2025 18:41

If he's so firm their marriage was over for 4 years before they divorced, but she was still hoping for mediation/reconciliation when they split, this isn't adding up to your DP being a prince among men.
Either he was doing such a good job of lying to her for 4 years that she had no idea he considered the marriage to be dead...or he's lying to you, and she had no idea because it just isn't true.

Lots of men rewrite history when they leave for someone else. He gets to be the hero who "only stayed for the kids" rather than the man who didn't end it like an emotionally mature adult when he realised he didn't want to be with his wife, or who didn't realise how terribly unhappy he was in his marriage until he met another woman he wanted to jump ship to. I suspect your DP may have done exactly this, and this might be why she has a problem with you. It's not fair, of course - her issue is with him - but it's a possible explanation.

Either way, this is your DPs problem to solve. It's been 4 years, and he needs to set some boundaries - not listening to her badmouthing you, and him not having family days out or building flat pack for her (I'm sure she's capable) would be a start.
He can't control what she does with or says to the children, but as her behaviour sounds like it could be quite upsetting and confusing he might want to think about arranging some counselling for them.
She can't control what he does during his time with the children, and she doesn't have the power to prevent them staying in his house if you're there.

She isn't the reason this is causing problems in your relationship, though - he is.
If he's unwilling to change anything, I'd cut my losses. It sounds like a horrible way to live.

ShinyShona · 10/01/2025 18:49

Roseredtiny · 08/01/2025 21:10

The problem is the kids are frightened by what their mum is telling them so now they are reluctant to meet me. I think my partner is worried if he pushes it they will stop seeing him and side with the mum, :(

I don't want him to lose his kids.

They are his kids too. This ex-wife cannot stop who he wants seeing his children on his days with them. Maybe he needs a CAO to make that abundantly clear to her.

Oh and for goodness sake get that spousal maintenance stopped. She needs to get herself to work lest she becomes a lifelong burden to him.

72hoursinaande · 10/01/2025 19:45

Yes it’s your partner that is the problem here and he needs to grow a backbone.
however, it’s also really sad for his ex wife as whilst she is so bitter and angry she is not enjoying her life or moving on. Sounds like a total mess and quite frankly even if you were the OW it would still be deranged after 4 years

Flip

1 2