DH OTT reaction to me doing something nice for him

DucksonthePondQuack · 2025-01-08T19:40:52+00:00

Whenever I do something nice for DH - little things like make him a cup of coffee, pick up his favourite food from a supermarket or maybe wash his work uniform - he has an OTT reaction- “Oh you do love me after all!” “Oh you do care about me!” It’s irritating and makes out that I’m normally some kind of dragon to him! I’m not. It feels manipulative. I’m normal, not hugely demonstrative or romantic but I do all the cooking, life admin and looking after our children. For DH I moved to a rural area and I gave him children (ffs) His response then to tiny, daily acts of kindness is ridiculous and feels OTT. It’s like he’s acting, so grateful like he could cry! Our marriage is rocky but this feels like he’s being passive aggressive somehow? Is this weird?

BasiliskStare · 08/01/2025 19:41

Yep

ilovelamp82 · 08/01/2025 19:48

Yes. Once, mildly annoying. Repeatedly rude and very annoying. What does he say when you tell him it annoys you? It would make me not want to do things for him.

Cardinalita90 · 08/01/2025 19:50

That's the definition of passive aggressive! Otherwise he'd just say thank you or a kiss - no need for "oh you do love me after all". I'd ask him straight up next time he says it why he's doing it.

Original poster

DucksonthePondQuack · 08/01/2025 19:50

ilovelamp82 · 08/01/2025 19:48

Yes. Once, mildly annoying. Repeatedly rude and very annoying. What does he say when you tell him it annoys you? It would make me not want to do things for him.

I say calm down - it’s only a bloody cup of coffee! And that he’s making out that I’m some sort of ogre! It’s the simping - you do love me! It means so much to me that you would do that - like I’ve given him a kidney lol.

OP posts:

Original poster

DucksonthePondQuack · 08/01/2025 19:51

He asks repeatedly- you do love me don’t you? We’ll be together forever won’t we? I’m the only one you’ve ever loved aren’t I? Etc etc…

OP posts:

Original poster

DucksonthePondQuack · 08/01/2025 19:53

DucksonthePondQuack · 08/01/2025 19:51

He asks repeatedly- you do love me don’t you? We’ll be together forever won’t we? I’m the only one you’ve ever loved aren’t I? Etc etc…

We are not newlyweds either - married for years! He’s very insecure, our marriage is rocky but his behaviour pushes me further away.

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FictionalCharacter · 08/01/2025 19:59

Yep, he’s definitely making out that you doing anything for him is rare and unexpected, i.e. you rarely do a single thing for him.
Have you told him that? Not just that it’s irritating, but that he’s implying that you do things for him so rarely that he has to make a song and dance about it, and please could he stop?

Cardinalita90 · 08/01/2025 20:05

He's clearly very insecure in your relationship - he would benefit from getting therapy. As you say, his excessive need for reassurance from you is having the opposite intended effect (most people would find it irritating).

Original poster

DucksonthePondQuack · 08/01/2025 20:08

FictionalCharacter · 08/01/2025 19:59

Yep, he’s definitely making out that you doing anything for him is rare and unexpected, i.e. you rarely do a single thing for him.
Have you told him that? Not just that it’s irritating, but that he’s implying that you do things for him so rarely that he has to make a song and dance about it, and please could he stop?

I find it insulting as we moved to his choice of area when we got married, he’s been able to further his career while I worked part time in low paid positions, I do all the cooking, shopping, meal planning but he doesn’t see any of the big stuff. I’d be happy to do more nice things for him if he was more explicit about what he would like. He tends to look after himself which he makes a big deal about- he’s been on a special diet (for a year) and so no longer eats my food and will only prepare his own meals at separate times to me and the children but I’m still home cooking, shopping and cleaning up afterwards while he eats separately by himself in front of the TV. He washes his uniform and does his lunches - again he’s extremely particular and it has to be done in a certain way - only he will do it.

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Frith2013 · 08/01/2025 20:15

"I do all the cooking, life admin and looking after our children"

Why?

LetGoLetThem1234 · 08/01/2025 20:20

What would make you feel happy? What would your husband need in the relationship to be happy?

Focus on those things. All the rest are minor distractions IMO.

Perhaps a bit of plain talking is needed.

You are way more patient than me.

NameChangedOfc · 08/01/2025 20:22

Frith2013 · 08/01/2025 20:15

"I do all the cooking, life admin and looking after our children"

Why?

🙄

StormingNorman · 08/01/2025 20:27

He’s obviously feeling insecure and your response is to take the piss out of him on MN. If that’s the measure of you, no wonder he’s so fucking grateful for a small act of kindness.

LOLs at you GAVE him children. Didn’t you want them too?

Original poster

DucksonthePondQuack · 08/01/2025 20:40

StormingNorman · 08/01/2025 20:27

He’s obviously feeling insecure and your response is to take the piss out of him on MN. If that’s the measure of you, no wonder he’s so fucking grateful for a small act of kindness.

LOLs at you GAVE him children. Didn’t you want them too?

I’m not taking the piss out of him. I’m seeking advice on what feels like odd behaviour in reaction to small things that I do for him. I’m not making fun of him. I’m seeking other’s opinions. Yes I wanted children too but I’m the one who carried them, gave birth to them and sacrificed my body and career If you can’t see how it might be different for a woman/mother then…

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StormingNorman · 08/01/2025 20:43

DucksonthePondQuack · 08/01/2025 20:40

I’m not taking the piss out of him. I’m seeking advice on what feels like odd behaviour in reaction to small things that I do for him. I’m not making fun of him. I’m seeking other’s opinions. Yes I wanted children too but I’m the one who carried them, gave birth to them and sacrificed my body and career If you can’t see how it might be different for a woman/mother then…

Edited

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The way you speak about him is awful. Read your posts back. I hope you don’t talk to him like this.

LetGoLetThem1234 · 08/01/2025 20:53

@DucksonthePondQuack here comes the pile on posts. Quick put on tin hat and take cover!

cogsturning · 08/01/2025 21:11

The way you speak about him is awful. Read your posts back. I hope you don’t talk to him like this.

What on earth. I just read OP's posts, and only see someone describing behaviour that felt weird to her, seeking advice, and giving further context when requested.

OP, at least there's no passive aggression with this poster, I guess. Just nice, healthy, utterly bewildering anger...

.

TheTruthHurtsDontIt · 08/01/2025 21:15

StormingNorman · 08/01/2025 20:43

The way you speak about him is awful. Read your posts back. I hope you don’t talk to him like this.

Show quote history

How? She's literally not said anything awful about him, just described a weird behaviour and asked for some advice. If you're going to take someone's gripes in their marriage so personally maybe you should refrain from reading posts that touch a nerve for you.

Getinther · 08/01/2025 21:18

DucksonthePondQuack · 08/01/2025 20:08

I find it insulting as we moved to his choice of area when we got married, he’s been able to further his career while I worked part time in low paid positions, I do all the cooking, shopping, meal planning but he doesn’t see any of the big stuff. I’d be happy to do more nice things for him if he was more explicit about what he would like. He tends to look after himself which he makes a big deal about- he’s been on a special diet (for a year) and so no longer eats my food and will only prepare his own meals at separate times to me and the children but I’m still home cooking, shopping and cleaning up afterwards while he eats separately by himself in front of the TV. He washes his uniform and does his lunches - again he’s extremely particular and it has to be done in a certain way - only he will do it.

Show quote history

YANBU and I get all that but you didn’t really answer that posters question which was - have you told him that?

Have you told him that? Not just that it’s irritating, but that he’s implying that you do things for him so rarely that he has to make a song and dance about it, and please could he stop?

So, have you spelled it out to him like that, with a clear direction to stop? If so what was his response?

AwaitingFreedom · 08/01/2025 21:46

What small acts of kindness does he do for you? I wonder if he's doing DARVO to unsettle you and keep you off balance enough so you don't see other things that aren't right in your relationship. It's a form of distraction.

Agree with others btw, no idea what SN is on because they are ott with their responses.

Ontherocksthisyear · 08/01/2025 22:00

Are you not very affectionate with each other OP? Prehaps this is his way (although shitty) of pointing this out.

category12 · 08/01/2025 22:10

I think he's well aware of your underlying burning resentment of him.

Sounds like it's valid for you to feel that way, so ... why are you together?

If you're going to stay together, you probably needto address it.

StormingNorman · 08/01/2025 22:16

TheTruthHurtsDontIt · 08/01/2025 21:15

How? She's literally not said anything awful about him, just described a weird behaviour and asked for some advice. If you're going to take someone's gripes in their marriage so personally maybe you should refrain from reading posts that touch a nerve for you.

Show quote history

Posters always assuming people get triggered. I’ve got no skin in the game here. I just don’t think OP sounds like she gives a fuck about her husband.

Quitelikeit · 08/01/2025 22:20

Op you sound resentful and resentment is like drinking your own poison

be careful!

beetr00 · 08/01/2025 22:21

StormingNorman · 08/01/2025 20:27

He’s obviously feeling insecure and your response is to take the piss out of him on MN. If that’s the measure of you, no wonder he’s so fucking grateful for a small act of kindness.

LOLs at you GAVE him children. Didn’t you want them too?

totally agree with this post @StormingNorman

@DucksonthePondQuack part of the problem is your resentment.

Have you heard of the expression that resentment is like taking poison but expecting the other person to die?

It is soul destroying for you!

You've said your marriage is rocky, do you want to change that, at all, or do you want to waste the rest of your life seething?

Cannot be good for either of you Ducks, can it.

edited to highlight a point