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Original poster

DH OTT reaction to me doing something nice for him

39 replies

DucksonthePondQuack · 08/01/2025 19:40

Whenever I do something nice for DH - little things like make him a cup of coffee, pick up his favourite food from a supermarket or maybe wash his work uniform - he has an OTT reaction- “Oh you do love me after all!” “Oh you do care about me!” It’s irritating and makes out that I’m normally some kind of dragon to him! I’m not. It feels manipulative. I’m normal, not hugely demonstrative or romantic but I do all the cooking, life admin and looking after our children. For DH I moved to a rural area and I gave him children (ffs) His response then to tiny, daily acts of kindness is ridiculous and feels OTT. It’s like he’s acting, so grateful like he could cry!

Our marriage is rocky but this feels like he’s being passive aggressive somehow?

Is this weird?

OP posts:
Smallwins · 08/01/2025 22:23

You have the ick

ForZanyAquaViewer · 08/01/2025 22:39

DucksonthePondQuack · 08/01/2025 20:08

I find it insulting as we moved to his choice of area when we got married, he’s been able to further his career while I worked part time in low paid positions, I do all the cooking, shopping, meal planning but he doesn’t see any of the big stuff. I’d be happy to do more nice things for him if he was more explicit about what he would like. He tends to look after himself which he makes a big deal about- he’s been on a special diet (for a year) and so no longer eats my food and will only prepare his own meals at separate times to me and the children but I’m still home cooking, shopping and cleaning up afterwards while he eats separately by himself in front of the TV. He washes his uniform and does his lunches - again he’s extremely particular and it has to be done in a certain way - only he will do it.

Show quote history

Have you said all this to him?

Endofyear · 08/01/2025 22:39

Well it's certainly odd behaviour and we can only guess at his motivation really. If the marriage is rocky, does he feel that you're not generally loving and affectionate towards him? Why is the marriage rocky? I think it could be that he's feeling insecure and seeking reassurance, can you sit him down and ask him why he's saying the things that you're finding so irritating?

StarDolphins · 08/01/2025 22:46

DucksonthePondQuack · 08/01/2025 19:51

He asks repeatedly- you do love me don’t you? We’ll be together forever won’t we? I’m the only one you’ve ever loved aren’t I? Etc etc…

Unless he’s 16 this would massively put me off him. Why is he so insecure?! I had a boyfriend at 17 that used to leave letters with these questions (with tick boxes of yes, no or maybe🙄) stuck on my windscreen for when I finished work.

StormingNorman · 08/01/2025 22:52

StarDolphins · 08/01/2025 22:46

Unless he’s 16 this would massively put me off him. Why is he so insecure?! I had a boyfriend at 17 that used to leave letters with these questions (with tick boxes of yes, no or maybe🙄) stuck on my windscreen for when I finished work.

Show quote history

If my DH started feeling insecure in our relationship, I would take some/most of the responsibility for that. New insecurities are a response to how we are treated or perceive we are being treated by others.

category12 · 08/01/2025 23:07

StormingNorman · 08/01/2025 22:52

If my DH started feeling insecure in our relationship, I would take some/most of the responsibility for that. New insecurities are a response to how we are treated or perceive we are being treated by others.

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Not necessarily.

It can be because they're aware their own behaviour may be risking the relationship. Eg. Someone's been a dick and they know it and they push for a reaction to check if the other person is still going to stick around.

Similar to when cheats project & accuse partners of infidelity.

healthybychristmas · 09/01/2025 00:34

I would be so tempted to say no actually I don't love you and I wanted to talk to you about a divorce and that's why I made you a cup of tea.

Porkyporkchop · 09/01/2025 00:36

Be sarcastic in your reply.
”oh you do love me !”
” no it’s poisoned and when you die I inherit the house.”

beetr00 · 09/01/2025 00:38

healthybychristmas · 09/01/2025 00:34

I would be so tempted to say no actually I don't love you and I wanted to talk to you about a divorce and that's why I made you a cup of tea.

and if @DucksonthePondQuack had the courage and honesty to say that, they could both move on with their lives and find happiness, elsewhere, rather than disdain.

beetr00 · 09/01/2025 00:46

Porkyporkchop · 09/01/2025 00:36

Be sarcastic in your reply.
”oh you do love me !”
” no it’s poisoned and when you die I inherit the house.”

sure, if @DucksonthePondQuack has zero interest in resolving this heartbreaking situation 😔

PosesaRisk · 09/01/2025 09:43

I'm guessing your husband has anxious attachment like me and that you have avoidant attachment like my husband.
The funny thing is if I got on with someone like your husband we'd make ourselves sick both so emotionally needy 😭😂

I do this because I feel unloved and incredibly insecure so I use humor to cope and diffuse the tension I feel about future together. I would love for my DH to communicate, either to say what he wants, to discuss separation or tell me he cares but he is like a soulless zombi ground down by life and work stress. I want affection and warmth so I try to lighten the mood. I hope that he would turn around hug me and say of course I love you and have a discussion about our relationship but he just rolls his eyes or smiles.

He oddly becomes warmer and more demonstrative when I pull back and act almost formal like he is a lodger. He supports us financially so I'm sure he would have a list of things he has done to show he does love me but I want affection and affirmation.

Playing devils advocate your husband could say he also gave you children and works more you can be with the children more, you do the cooking and cleaning as you work less hours and they are for yourself and DC too. He doesn't burden you with his own uniform laundry and meals. The fact you moved so many years ago doesn't necessarily mean you still love him though. Can't you just tell him of course I love you I'm just stressed about xyz or I do love you but I'd like us to change this thing..

Twaddlepip · 09/01/2025 10:13

DucksonthePondQuack · 08/01/2025 19:50

I say calm down - it’s only a bloody cup of coffee! And that he’s making out that I’m some sort of ogre! It’s the simping - you do love me! It means so much to me that you would do that - like I’ve given him a kidney lol.

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I don’t think you’re fully understanding what he’s doing here based on this reply. It’s not ‘lol’ funny. Not at all. He’s being a total cunt. Nothing about what he’s saying is genuine. He’s not delighted. He’s doing this to create a narrative that you’re deeply unpleasant to him. He wants to frame you as a terrible person. Think about why that might be.

beetr00 · 09/01/2025 10:52

@Twaddlepip "He’s being a total cunt"

Interesting, how each one of us perceives situations so differently.

I don't think @DucksonthePondQuack can be absolved of her role in this dynamic

VegTrug · 09/01/2025 11:28

BasiliskStare · 08/01/2025 19:41

Yep

First response nails it, as always

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