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Original poster

Are you coping with your DH working at home?

38 replies

struggling24 · 08/01/2025 15:52

Just wondering about people's perspectives of men working at home? Because in a way it is invading your personal space (or is it just me who thinks like that?)

My ex worked in an office, was out 7am - 7pm 5 days a week. I did my own thing which was a mix of raising children and working.

Now he is home based 100%, but we are split up, so he gets the children much more than he would have if he was 100% office based. I feel that is not necessarily a benefit for kids as they are always shlepping between houses and have less stability and peaceful routine.

Also my DP is 100% home-based which really gets on my nerves.

Means on my days off I don't have the house to myself- and he is now the defacto boss of the house rather than me.

Feeling a bit aggrieved by it all and wondering about other's thoughts?

OP posts:
DUsername · 08/01/2025 15:57

I think it very much depends on your set up. Someone working in the middle of the kitchen and you having to tip toe around and feel unable to put the kettle on is massively inconvenient. Someone working in a home office is obviously completely different..

I don't really get the defacto boss comment though tbh...

I also think that lots of women enjoy the benefits of extra time with their kids that WFH brings so why shouldn't a father?

chickenpieandchips · 08/01/2025 16:05

This is me! Get asked what I'm doing all the bloody time. Have to justify my existence.
And then we I potter and do stuff I get 'told off' for fidgeting.
Oh well it has its uses but I just want to get on and do what I need to!
I am a SAHM but do a lot of volunteering etc and spend a lot of time on my laptop sorting everyone's lives out.

He went to the office today, just announced he's on the train home 😩. Apparently he's in the office a lot next week. And then one of the kids will be sick.
First world problems!

HPandthelastwish · 08/01/2025 16:06

This is an issue because you are living together but separated.

Once you have your own place you'll have it to yourself

Edit: oh I misread, you are complaining about two different people. But if your days off were at the weekend you'd be better at home together. If you don't want to share your space maybe co-living isn't for you and you'd be better alone - or have a conversation and tell him to go into the office or another workspace on your days off and communicate with him

Original poster
struggling24 · 08/01/2025 16:08

Ah no @HPandthelastwish I'm now living with my new DP who works from home!

He too used to be full time office based.

Yes I think it makes a difference if they have a dedicated home office, my DP was using my bedroom- until it got to me too much, now it is the kitchen or living room- neither of which is ideal

OP posts:
Original poster
struggling24 · 08/01/2025 16:08

I feel your pain @chickenpieandchips!!

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 08/01/2025 16:10

DH has wfh for about 20 years and I have for 15. It’s not a big deal. We set up our home with private workspaces for each of us so we don’t impose on family life.

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 08/01/2025 16:11

and he is now the defacto boss of the house rather than me.

Why is he the boss?

i think WFH when other people are in the house only really works if you have a dedicated space.

GiddyRobin · 08/01/2025 16:14

DH and I both WFH. I love it, personally. We get on like a house on fire. I like taking a lunch break with him. Sometimes we walk the dogs together, or just sit and have a chat and a cuddle. We both have our own offices so don't intrude on one another's work (unless bringing cups of tea).

Your set up sounds irritating because a) he's in the communal area of your house, and b) his weird "boss of the house" attitude. That isn't a working from home problem, that's a DP problem.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 08/01/2025 16:15

What do you mean he's the defacto boss of the house @struggling24 ?

I work from home, used to be full time but now its just two days a week and in the office the other 3. I hide away in my little home office with the door shut and DP doesn't see me unless I pop to the loo or out for a walk on lunch. DP doesn't feel like she has to tiptoe around me. She can put her music on full blast if she wants, she has friends over, she does the hoovering or watches a loud film.

It sounds like WFH itself isn't the problem, but your partners unwillingness to accept that its a home first, and a workplace a distant second.

coxesorangepippin · 08/01/2025 16:17

I get this

But it's also the same for him

I must drive him mad too

BobnLen · 08/01/2025 16:18

When DH worked at home it was a horror, I did persuade him to go out in the caravan on the drive in the summer as I could even hear him in the spare room.

DUsername · 08/01/2025 16:22

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 08/01/2025 16:15

What do you mean he's the defacto boss of the house @struggling24 ?

I work from home, used to be full time but now its just two days a week and in the office the other 3. I hide away in my little home office with the door shut and DP doesn't see me unless I pop to the loo or out for a walk on lunch. DP doesn't feel like she has to tiptoe around me. She can put her music on full blast if she wants, she has friends over, she does the hoovering or watches a loud film.

It sounds like WFH itself isn't the problem, but your partners unwillingness to accept that its a home first, and a workplace a distant second.

Exactly this. It's inconsiderate to take over large communal areas of a home for hours and hours all week - whatever you happen to be doing.

HangryLikeTheHulk · 08/01/2025 16:25

But…lunchtime shags while the kids are at school

TwirlyPineapple · 08/01/2025 16:27

My husband is 100% home based and I really like it. One of our rooms is his office, so he's not in the way at all and we can barely hear him. My 3 year old understands that daddy is working so doesn't fuss to see him. I quite like having him around for a chat at lunchtimes or when he's on a break. And obviously having him finish work at 5pm and not have to commute hope is a huge advantage.

When I was on maternity leave, it was great having him around to help at lunchtimes or to step in if I was at the end of my tether (he has a job he could step away from for a bit and make up time later).

PabloTheGreat · 08/01/2025 16:29

We have a home office for me and a desk in the spare room for DH.
Having said that DS is school age so it wouldn't work with small kids to work in a living space. I think everyone who wants to wfh should demonstrate their ability to effectively wfh without family life or work output being affected.

GiddyRobin · 08/01/2025 16:34

HangryLikeTheHulk · 08/01/2025 16:25

But…lunchtime shags while the kids are at school

I was going to write this, too, but settled on "cuddle". 😂 So true though!

housemaus · 08/01/2025 16:34

Not sure which angle of this you're actually annoyed about - gender roles? Childcare arrangements? Your personal space? Sounds like you're annoyed all round but I can't tell which bit is pissing you off!

Surely plenty of women who have DHs who WFH also WFH themselves (like me) - he could say the same in reverse, that it's an invasion of his personal space?? It's not a 'men working from home' thing.

Annoying if they're in a often-used room and it's hard to go and get yourself a coffee or whatever, but they're as entitled to be there as much as you...

I absolutely get your point about having the house to yourself on days off, though - I love a day at home alone.

housemaus · 08/01/2025 16:35

And this!

TomatoSandwiches · 08/01/2025 16:38

Sounds like you need to live alone with the children.... or get a garden office.

Original poster
struggling24 · 08/01/2025 16:41

Yes @housemaus, I suppose I am just generally annoyed!

I now work in an office- and when I'm home I never get any space to myself.

The boss of the house thing is my interpretation rather than his attitude. He sorts out laundry, food, and odd jobs- basically perfect.

But it means im nothing to do with the house anymore.

I just turn up occasionally- have no role or purpose, plus no space to relax or be myself

OP posts:
MyNewLife2025 · 08/01/2025 16:48

Yes.
Dh wfh means I feel I rarely get a break where he isn’t there.

A bit better now that he has moved his office in the conservatory (his choice) because he is a separate room. I can now put music on, I feel freer to move around. I don’t have to be extremely careful to not make noise.
But the first 4.5 years, he was in the living room and I had no space fr myself. It was hard tbh.

MyNewLife2025 · 08/01/2025 16:52

struggling24 · 08/01/2025 16:41

Yes @housemaus, I suppose I am just generally annoyed!

I now work in an office- and when I'm home I never get any space to myself.

The boss of the house thing is my interpretation rather than his attitude. He sorts out laundry, food, and odd jobs- basically perfect.

But it means im nothing to do with the house anymore.

I just turn up occasionally- have no role or purpose, plus no space to relax or be myself

In some ways, that’s easier to deal with.
You can just do some if the stuff or other ones that had been pushed back again and again instead (let’s say like reorganising stuff).

Id also recommend keeping a diary of what you do when you’re at home.
I was asked to do that by a complementary therapist and it opened my eyes on how much I was actually doing.
I suspect you’ll find the same.
Just now it feels ‘wrong’ because you’re doing less when actually you might finally have reached a normal 50/50 split.

LoveThatDog · 08/01/2025 16:52

My partner has worked at home for about 10 years. I really like it as we all see more of him and he is much happier without the stress and time of travel. It’s been a real positive for us all.

I don’t see it as him invading my personal space, it’s his home too and he’s not the boss. He does have an office to shut himself away in, but if he isn’t on lots of calls, he’ll often just work in any room. I still do my own thing in the house, have friends over, watch tv, play with the dogs etc.

I suppose it depends on your relationship, I know some people who don’t like it but it’s because they take over the house, they were arseholes before working from home but having them around more naked problems show more.

Bjorkdidit · 08/01/2025 16:53

I WFH around 3 days a week. You wouldn't know I'm here as I have my own office and rarely leave it. As usual, this is sounds like an inconsiderate man problem.

LoveThatDog · 08/01/2025 16:57

Naked?? that was meant to say ‘makes’. Maybe bring naked might help. 😂