WWYD - NC parent asking to meet my DC

[Shefliesonherownwings]

I'll try to keep this short but it's a complicated story. I've been NC with my dad for 5 years. I'm an only child and we've always had a very up and down relationship. Growing up he was volatile, shouty, sometimes physical, controlling and suffocating. But could also be very loving and kind and generous. As a I grew up and developed opinions that were different to his, we clashed massively. I've always hated how he treats my mum, and dominates her but they're still married.

5 years ago my DD died suddenly and unexpectedly during labour. Obviously it was devastating and horrific. Unfortunately at a time when everyone around us was trying to make things better, my dad made things worse. I think grief thief is the correct term. Then when I told him how his behaviour had upset me, I got a load of abuse back so I cut contact. I still speak to my mum regularly but rarely see her because of his control.

Over the past year or so his health has worsened significantly and my mum is pretty much his full time carer. He can't really be left on his own for very long. I have thought about reaching out and seeing him given his failing health but then he'll say or do something that makes me realise he's the same old narcissitic selfish man. Today he messaged me directly asking to meet his grandchildren who are 4 and 20 months. His message contains some of the old BS, such as 'don't forget I was a very good father to you', (he wasn't IMO) and 'I ask you to let me see them before it is too late' etc... which doesn't make me want to expose my kids to him. But equally I am wavering because I know he is genuinely pretty unwell and he may not be here much longer and do I want to regret not introducing them? I'm, so torn, I don't know how to manage this. Any advice?

This is a decision only you can make, don't base it on the opinions of random people on the internet. It's very easy for strangers to say, 'keep you child away from him' and, 'he doesn't deserve to meet them', but it's you who has to live with decision, not them. No one who has posted here will be left grieving at the end of this. What matters is how you will be left feeling when he dies.

I get the sense from your post that you love him. That's allowed, despite his behaviour - he's your father and there have been times where he's been loving and kind towards you. It's ok to love a parent who has treated us badly and it's ok to reach out to them. It's also ok not to.

If you're torn about this then it sounds like there's a chance you think you'll regret not seeing him and introducing him to your children. You say 'I think the fact he hasn’t apologised is the key issue for me which shows he doesn’t take responsibility for his behaviour'. Have you said this to him specifically, face to face?

I think the key question to ask yourself is, 'What am I more likely to regret? Seeing him (with or without your DC) before he dies, or not seeing him?' There is no 'right' or 'wrong' answer.

He's emotionally blackmailing you. Horrid. You've gone NC for a reason, why would you feel any guilt, it sounds completely justified.

I think this has hit the nail on the head for me. If I try and compartmentalise my feelings then I think the hold he has on me and my ingrained need to please him is what's mostly feeding into my feelings here, although there is also a worry about regret and a sense of feeling a bit sorry for him. He clearly lives a pretty sad life and has missed out on so much of my live and my DCs life, though i know that is all his own doing.

@Quitelikeit I don't think I hate him. I hate his behaviour and the way he has treated me and my mum. I'm disappointed in him and sad but I don't feel hate. As someone else has said the regret feeling is also about him not being the parent I wish he could have been and was at times. Especially when I look at DH's family, who are wonderful, amazing people.

For those who have asked about the apology, I have told my mum that I have never received a genuine remorseful apology and if that was provided, it would help me. According to her, he think he has apologised. I'm guessing the half hearted apology in the email I received is the extent of it. As far as I can tell he doesn't believe he has don much wrong and I in fact am being unreasonable in cutting contact. He is very old school and almost has a kind of mafia mentality in terms of believing it should be family above all else, no matter how that family treats you.

I think another reason I am wavering here is my mum. I didn't see the deleted messages but they seemed to be about my mum. My relationship with her is complicated and difficult because I do resent her for essentially choosing him over me but at the same time I am desperate to maintain a relationship of some kind with her. I have no other family so the thought of not having my mum, however limited our relationship is, is too painful. I have said to her before that I want to message/email my dad and tell him to leave me alone and really spell out my feelings towards him but she has begged me not to. Partly because I think he will take it out on her. I worry about the impact on her if I do say no, not just in terms of what he might do but how my relationship with her is affected. It's all a total mess and headfuck to be honest.

I think the half hearted apology is the problem but sadly I don't think he's able to fully apologise and take responsibility for his actions. My Dad won't apologise or even accept an apology - he just plunges on and so the pattern of poor behaviour repeats as an endless cycle.

When I realised this I just left him be but always leaving the door open should he change his mind. The lack of apology was my red line but I understand others might think differently.

I'll also add that my son was old enough to see me being emotionally abused by my parents and noticed it and that was a factor in staying away from them.

Children are programmed to love their parents no matter how crap they actually are kitten. Abusers too are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one.

The only people who tend to bother with people like your dad OP are the adult children of same. You’ve received the Special Training to put them with your own needs and wants dead last. Be tired of being the last person who matters.

Again op she had a choice when it came to you and she’s chosen her husband. She has stood by and thrown you under the bus many a time. She is not above using you ans some sort of buffer between she and her husband .

Ask yourself honestly why you want a relationship with her at all because what you want and what you’ve actually got are two very different things. Her roles in this dysfunctional relationship are the same as they ever were. I would urge you to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your parents rather than the one you actually got. It’s not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way.

What does your mum think?

Is your Dad in poor health or dying? There is a difference, and depending on the answer, may persuade you towards a decision one way or the other. All I see is a man who is using emotional blackmail to try and guilt you into agreeing to him seeing his grandchildren. The fact you are still scared of him, even as an adult, suggests to me that seeing him, would not be in your best interests. Your Mum has made a decision to stay with him, and I understand your anger and resentment towards her. Try and maintain a relationship with your Mum, where possible. If your Dad does pass away due to his health regardless of when, she will be lost. Not because he's the love of her life but because he's so controlling. She's probably not had to make a decision, no matter how small for a long time. Suddenly faced with being able to do what she wants/when and making decisions for herself after such a long time will be tough.

Please don't give in and let your father see your children just because you are worried about the impact of saying no on your mum.

Where was your mum when you were a child and your dad was volatile, shouty, sometimes physical, controlling and suffocating? It was her duty to protect you from this behaviour but she didn't. As you have said, she chose him over you. That must be difficult to forgive or forget. You know that he is not a safe person to be around your children. Your mum chose to support your dad and stay with him so she needs to deal with the consequences of that decision. She is trying to guilt trip you into letting your dad get his own way again, against your better judgement.

Calm down.

Exactly.

@Shefliesonherownwings I'm so sorry for your loss and for all you are dealing with here.

Have a think about it like this: By allowing this man to see your children at his demand and against your own wishes, whose needs are you servicing?
Are you servicing your children's need to see him?
Are you servicing your need to let him meet your children?
Or are you servicing HIS needs?

Will your children benefit from meeting n
Him?
Will you gain anything from allowing it?
Or will he just get what he demands again?

I wish you peace whatever you decide op. It's not easy.x

You said it yourself. He abuses everyone he gets close to him. You, your mum. Why would you expose your kids to that?

Guilt? Where was his guilt when he behaved the way he did? Clearly didn't feel any as he did it again and again and again. It wasn't a one off thing, he abused you both for years until you cut him off.

And now he's ill and he wants to make himself feel better with the kids. How will you seeing your abuser help you? How will meeting him help your kids? It doesn't. It only serves him. He's always been selfish and this is yet another example.