He had 9 month affair, which was actually longer when the flirtatious build-up is added.
@kjw82, what sort of recovery structure/requirements did you set before agreeing to reconcile? After Dday he should have built iron-clad boundaries with regard to other women to protect his fidelity and restore your trust. Instead, he has opened a window to this OW and is building a close connection via their frequent messaging, in-jokes, and life chat. They will be enjoying an attraction and mutual validation. He wouldn’t be investing so much emotional energy, time and attention if he wasn’t getting a buzz from it.
It is troubling that he would accuse you of ‘being out of order’ for looking at his phone. After his previous heinous betrayal, he should be happily providing full transparency and open access to all devices and statements, even after 5 years. He doesn’t get to dictate your recovery schedule or what requirements you need to feel safe. He forfeited his right to privacy when he committed adultery.
@kjw82, he is at it again, acting like a single man. His ego gratification is his priority. He has loosened his boundaries and is once again pursuing a secret close relationship that is a threat to your marriage and your emotional health. He is confident that you are going nowhere, so he is willing to risk having another illicit adventure. You’re in a false reconciliation.
As he is abusing your trust and trampling your boundaries, I would go nuclear. Send him away and use the time and space to investigate your legal and financial options with a solicitor. Do not entertain any blame-shifting or gaslighting that ‘We’re just friends.’ He has blown his second chance, so it would be game over for me.