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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Chatting to female colleague

28 replies

kjw82 · 08/01/2025 11:11

I need some advice. 5 years ago my husband had an affair with a work colleague that lasted for 9 months. I found out and he nearly moved out of our family home but decided to stay and we reconciled. He started a new job and has been there for a year now. However he's started text conversations with someone, on WhatsApp when not at work and then on the online chat function when at work. I only know because I've been snooping. It's all innocent jokey stuff but I'm finding it very uncomfortable. I'm sure this is how his first affair started. I have found it very hard to forgive and trust him again, I could never forgive another affair. I'm not sure if I should ignore it and see what happens or if I should confront him (but I also don't want him to know that I've been snooping around), any advice would be greatfully received as I don't feel I can talk to friends or family as they've all forgiven him and I don't want to churn up all those bad feelings again.

OP posts:
Madamegreen · 09/01/2025 07:42

Reconciliation and recovery (Partial) only work if the other is completely transparent at all times. They also have to drop old habits and some freedoms and behave the most rigidly outside the home with other women.
That's his permanent penance.

He isn't doing this.

kjw82 · 09/01/2025 08:37

Thank you so much everyone. It's good to know my feelings are validated. I couldn't not say anything so we talked last night, but I'm just so angry. This has really violated what little trust I had in him and everyone saying he is getting validation from outside have it nailed on. He wasn't angry I'd snooped but it's so sad but I'm just not sure I can see a future for us anymore.

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 09/01/2025 08:39

strawberrysea · 08/01/2025 13:28

Cruel and unhelpful

While @JustSaltPlease words were blunt, I didn’t see them as cruel and unhelpful. She was referring to what happened and his continued cruelty. OP has been blindsided by that and a bit of bluntness might jolt her into thinking about the many, many posts on MN about unfaithful husbands who never stop cheating until they experience hard consequences. Maybe OPs husband will be different but it isn’t looking like he is

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