Article about flaking on social arrangements

[EmeraldRoulette]

I don't pay much attention to media but even I have noticed a lot of articles on this subject. I thought this one might be of interest.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jan/07/flaking-out-of-social-plans

The summation of my feelings is the last line...

"It’s scary to think about where all this will end". I agree.

I know I'm just repeating myself (full marks if anyone can name that song, lol)

but if you are over a certain age, maybe 35? then a lot of these excuses don't really explain anything. So ....two working parents, working very long hours, commuting, lack of money....we've all been through that before, or seen our parents go through it.

I do realise that for younger people, this is the first experience of recession or whatever word we are currently using for cost of living crisis. (we could call it a bagel. I bet a few posters will recognise that reference.)

But previous generations seemed to value friendship, community and social contact. It doesn't cost a lot of money to have someone round for a cup of tea.

So I think the really big factor is the Internet. My mum is 86 and friends who are in her age bracket are massively influenced by the Internet as well.
Of course, there's some more logic in that, because that age group, people are more likely to be forced to give up hobbies etc due to physical limitations.

Before anyone says to me that I'm chatting on the Internet, yes, I am - mainly because most of my real life interactions have fallen apart. (Happily, I have some stuff going on now, but who knows how long it will last).

I realise that a lot of people are happier with society as it is now, but thought those of you who are pissed off at how hard it is to get commitment for a simple local coffee might be interested to read this.

Our dentist takes deposits upfront now due to no shows. People are shocking flaky now. Interesting article.. does put me off social things now. But thankfully have few loyal friends. Its bad manners.

People seem to just want to stay at home and text now. My best mates have all moved further away/ abroad so with them texting is the only way.

But genuinely the girls I’m trying to be friends with are really good at texting and then even long-planned group arrangements fall apart last minute.

I really don’t want to be living my life online, I want face to face contact, and hugs.

Absolutely agree 💯

Think I was really lucky tbh growing up in the 70s and 80s as we actually lived life irl with real friends and everything.

We are social animals, we need physical connections. I'm sure that's half the reason people are so depressed and anxious these days. Lack of human contact.

It's like another kind of UPF, fake interaction has replaced real interaction leaving us all miserable

I dunno

I hate this situation but it's working for the majority or it wouldn't have turned out this way? And people love UPFs. (I'm pretty unbothered about them, no judgment).

thank you for the replies. I could go on about this for ages but I'll spare us all. I did learn a couple of new things from that article - but generally I think things are unlikely to change now. So just have to learn to live with all this, I guess.

I'm not an extrovert but like posters here, I enjoyed connecting with friends. It's going to be a very different future than what I had anticipated.

I agree with this, OP - internet plays a big role.

I have a friend who would text me daily and send long monologues via 7 minute voice notes, and ‘like’ all my social media posts, send memes etc, but would happily go long stretches of time without seeing me even when we both lived in the same city.

She works only 20 hours a week and so does her partner - and her kids are not under 5.

It would often be me initiating in-person contact. She wouldn’t even have a phone call . Voice notes were “more convenient” - for her!

I realised that things were even worse with some old friends in that they wouldn’t even WhatsApp me and it would just be likes and the occasional comments on IG. End of last year I deactivated my Instagram. There are some people I haven’t heard from over the Christmas period at all.

And yes I appreciate I could have reached out to them first, but for years it’s always been me texting to check up on then, break long periods of silence, taking the initiative to arrange a meet up or a call etc .

So it’s interesting that when I’ve stopped driving things it’s been crickets.

I have a friend who lives in another country and she comes to the UK around once a year and I happen to go to her country approx once a year too, so in the past year I’ve seen her 2 or 3 times which is more than what I’ve seen of some of my UK based friends who live a few hours away from me.

I don’t mind, i actually get more social interaction now through text than I did before face to face. I have pretty regular text exchanges with overseas relatives and I can check in with friends I wouldnt normally have the energy to go and see. I also pop the pub quite often if so if someone does feel like meeting up it’s easy to arrange

I think this is a factor of an increasingly individualistic society. Terms like "self-care" and a growing wellness and therapy culture suggest all we need to look after ourselves is ourselves. But it's not true. We're tribal beings and our strength is in our ability to sacrifice something we want for someone who is in greater need.

I find MN is a fascinating insight into this. On one thread you'll find people openly talking about how they don't care about anyone outside of their little nuclear bubble. And then on another you'll see someone absolutely devastated that their partner has walked out on them and now they "have no one".

This paragraph really got me:

“It’s really terrible,” said Ellie, an interpreter from London in her 30s. “I loved my old friends, but they used to stand me up all the time. After years of progressively worsening levels of flakiness since the pandemic, to the point where nobody invited me ever and nobody turned up when I organised something, I realised I needed different, more resilient friends – people with the capacity to give. It’s scary to think about where all this will end.”

It truly is frustrating… What I seem to have found though that generally women flake on me often, whereas men don’t seem to. So it’s just easier to maintain friendships with men. For a while I did wonder why I found male friendships less hard work and now I seem to have my answer…

Years ago when my parents were alive and I lived far enough away from them to be unable to pop in regularly , I used to phone daily or they'd phone me . We'd past the time of day , find out who'd been up to what , how we were were feeling , where'd we been etc , just chit chat .
It wasn't an inconvenience and took up 10 - 20 minutes of the day .
I now have grown up children who do not live nearby . Do they keep in contact , nope , seldom phone calls , maybe every 6 weeks or so , the occasional text .
I think it a shame people haven't got time , nor the inclination to think of others as much as before .

I think it's one of those things that can be a negative spiral. You get flaked on a few times, it's not nice and it makes you cynical about other people, that cynicism makes you prioritise others less and your self care more, that attitude makes you more likely to behave like a flake yourself.

It's hard, there are a lot of social trends these days that I don't like but it's not something that individuals can easily solve.

Someone has linked this article in AIBU

i thought I'd got off lightly here, now I see why 😂

@WhatNoRaisins I agree re the spiral

To stay on this thread as it's hopefully not a bunfight...

If this behaviour is now a norm, it's hard to know how to plan. It's all fine for people who live online to say "let them" (now annoyingly the latest misused phrase) but then there's the reality of actual friendship.

if everyone flakes...
Then you end up asking no one out because of the practical problems of people flaking.......no one asks you out....it's ridiculous. And so sad.

The worst is when you started to feel a bit humiliated by how the other person is treating you that you start to resent them. I think it's hard to come back from that.

Yes, I wouldn't even try. Flaking usually leads to ghosting anyway.

I moved home in 2023 and have made acquaintances with a near neighbour. I think we really enjoy each other's company - but she is a flake. I might go to a local ish art fair this weekend and I'd like company, but I can't face the faffing of asking her.

I could ask her last minute - but then she might think I'm a last minute person. I'm not. I'm a planner who likes to stick to arrangements. It's just easier if I go alone.

It seems really sad that flakiness and general weird behaviour has seeped into the fabric of society.

But people would prefer to stay home and play online. I note the article references people not wanting "scrutiny" in real life because it contradicts their online persona. We're back to Richard Grannon predicting that people would "become" their avatars - he was correct.

On the "my little family" problem, I was asked for lunch by another local lady. She said it has to be weekday as she keeps evenings and weekends free "in case the kids need me". Three kids ranging from 17 to 25!

The other negative social spiral I think we have is that you don't need to go out to be entertained, less people go out, this makes real life social spaces smaller, less varied and a lot crapper, people who try to go out and socialise find it's crap and may prefer to stick with entertainment at home.

I know that I'm really guilty of that one.

I would say that at least with my friends that don’t initiate contact, when we arrange to meet they do tend to stick to it.

I got rid of the flaky ones back in my 20s really. That would really tick me off if at this big age I still had to deal with constant last minute cancellations.

But this year I still am focusing my energy more on the friends who reciprocate my efforts as opposed to the ones who leave it all down to me to keep in touch.

@WhatNoRaisins do you mean, you go to a bar, it's half empty, there's no atmosphere ...so you don't want to bother again?

i might have the wrong end of the stick completely.

@Getinther in my 20s I thought flaky people would improve- but no.

@EmeraldRoulette it could mean that. I've spoken to family members that remember when pubs and gigs were a big social scene and it's obviously declined a lot.

What I was thinking is that when you do put yourself "out there" you're not going to click with everyone or fit into very group or suit every activity. It's better when there are more people "out there" because then you get the numbers of people and variety so that you're more likely to find things that work for you because there is more choice. With less people choosing real life socialising there will be less choice and therefore more people unable to find their thing and giving up and staying home.

I'm being long winded but I think what I'm getting at is that I think this flaking trend shows that we are prioritising and therefore valuing real life interaction less. I think that this has a ripple effect when people's withdrawing makes the experience of socialisation worse for others and they feel the need to withdraw which will influence others.

@WhatNoRaisins ah yes I see.

my friend in London used to organise meet-ups but it ended up just us two so it was pointless. If a newbie looking to meet people turned up, two wouldn't be enough.

the internet has won out over actual human contact. To go back to the article, no one will admit they flaked because they prefer to stay home online - but I do wish they wouldn't make arrangements in the first place.

Exactly, people aren't going to be inspired to return to a meetup with just two people unless there is some sort of instant connection.

Lurking on the other thread there were stories of people who arranged parties and large proportions of the guests flaked. Not unreasonably they've said never again. I expect plenty of the guests at these half empty parties will have also been put off by the experience.

Yes - I have seen threads about people who hosted and had hardly anyone turn up.

It really comes down to people thinking that friendship is not important. You obviously get the odd ones who say "oh yes, it is important... I just can't help being a flake," but that's obviously crap.

I also noticed on here some of the "my little family" types say that they will go out and make friends at a different life stage. I understand the logic in that - but I genuinely wonder what will be left of a friendship/social landscape in five years time.

Also another thought

I went through the "meeting people exercise" - or trying to - around 2022. I found it pretty grim. I don't know if it needs a certain sort of person to enjoy it but I didn't enjoy it.

It's been luck that moving to a new area has led to meeting people. So people who think it's going to be easy - I wonder if they will hate it too.

I moved to where I currently live two years ago and haven’t did it at all. I am fortunate to have a neighbour who is very sociable and will have coffee or dinner with now and again. She is part of a local book clubs and another local hobby group so she seems a lot more comfortable with meeting new people clearly.

I tell myself I really should try to make some new local friends too, but like you - I don’t really enjoy “the meeting people exercise”.

For now I just catch up with my friends if they’re in my area/country or if I’m in theirs. I did sign up to some Meetup group events for February and I may make some friends there, but let’s see if I actually attend!

Def really hard. Got a lovely birthday card off a friend but again no commitment to meet. I left it as seems be one sided efforts past few yrs (me). Then you told on threads nobody owes you anything. I dont make plans now. I seem happier in my own company. Got stung too many times