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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Has anyone ever 'gone against' their OH and just stopped having anything to do with MIL?FIL etc?

35 replies

flossish · 03/05/2008 23:59

I don't think I can do it anymore with my MIL. I hate her. She is spreading lies about me and completely failing to see that anything she does is/could be wrong.

There is a very long history. I've kept my mouth shut the whole time really, never said boo to her. I've been with DP for (adding up in mind) 7 yrs this year. She stopped liking me about 6.8 yrs ago. Since then I've had two children who she bothers with and then drops at will depending on circumstances not particularly related.

This week she really upset me. I told her so for the first ever time, recieved no apology at all. and now she is on the defensive, meeting up with DP while I'm working and bitching about me. I've had enough. Life is too short to worry about people who treat you like shit.

I've thought about it, any of my friends who had a slightest inkling of the fact that they may have offended me/upset me would be mortified and want to make amends. Not MIl she just tries to drive a wedge. It's working. He goes from one extreme to the other with her, as I have done TBH over the years. But this week has taught me she just does not give a shit. My son saw something pretty horrific and she did all she could to ensure she didn't have to be with him. He is 3 but he is a little shit in her eyes. My daughter is 7 months and similarly labelled when it suits.

I'm ranting. The question is in the title really. I don't need people like this in my life but is it worth the divisions is may cause between Dp and I?

OP posts:

puffling · 04/05/2008 00:02

'My son saw something pretty horrific and she did all she could to ensure she didn't have to be with him.'

i don't get this bit.

If it's feasible to have little contact, then don't.

wildhorses · 04/05/2008 00:04

Tell your dp how you feel you never know he might understand you more that you think

You don`t need someone like that around you or your dc

beaniesteve · 04/05/2008 00:06

"Life is too short to worry about people who treat you like shit"

You said it. But....

this will obviously have ramifications for you relationship, can you talk to your OH about how you feel and how you want to move forward etc?

paros · 04/05/2008 00:06

go on this site it will give you all the advice you need

FromGirders · 04/05/2008 00:06

You need to talk to your dh.
But perhaps just minimalise contact with her. Don't make phonecalls to her, be busy if she wants to meet, if you answer the phone to her, say hello and "I'll just pass you over to dh"

chunkychips · 04/05/2008 00:07

why did she suddenly stop liking you? If something happened, perhaps you could discuss, although you make her sound pretty unreasonable. How often do you need to see her? If she's telling lies about you your dp should support you and have a word, it's not unreasonable. Also don't understand the bit about your son seeing something horrific.

Original poster

flossish · 04/05/2008 00:07

ok, I'll try to explain. OUr friend had a horrific accident at ours last monday. MIL tried to get DP (who was in serious shock) to take DS with him to the hospital to see seriously injured friend. Friend with her suggested as I was in shock and not really very capable that DS go out with them. MIL pointedly ignored. Then neighbour tentatively suggested that DS went with her (neighbour) MIL just stared at me, didn't respond at all. She just doesn't care about him at all.

I have told DP how I feel. Unfortunately it was today when he saw her and whenever he sees her he softens.

OP posts:

MinkyBorage · 04/05/2008 00:09

No it's not worth the divisions it will cause. She sounds like a stupid bitch, but YOU are the one that matters, don't sell yourself short and give in too easily to the temptation to fight her. You are that fabulous woman who rises above her pathetic bitchiness adn still manages to make sure she has relationships with her son and your dc. You are the adult here!

themoon66 · 04/05/2008 00:11

She sounds a nightmare and I feel very sorry for you. Can you not just ignore her? I think it would be hard to expect your DP to join in the ignoring, given that she is his mum. But you can just keep her arm's length. I mean, talk to her if she talks to you. Otherwise, just don't think about her.

Or choose to ignore me coz I'm pissed on wine and this post will probably make no sense at all when I read it back tomorrow

themoon66 · 04/05/2008 00:12

I should have just said - 'what Minky says'!

Original poster

flossish · 04/05/2008 00:12

She is telling lies about the aftermath of the accident. She has told people DP SIL etc that she was too busy looking after our friend who was injured to look after DS. However the offers of taking him came after this when friend had already left in the amubluance for hospital. No reason for her not to take him/care for him. I was stood in the kitchen in tears and she just stared at me.

Nothing particularly happened. Only thing really being she thought me to be too possessive, which at the start of the relationship perhaps I was. I worked lots of shifts and would get upset if DP wanted to go out with his friends on my only evening off each week basically. She is a very fickle lady and will bitch about anyone at will very easily, including her own daughter who in reality she will do absolutely anything for.

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 04/05/2008 00:14

You're upset because your mother in law wouldn't take DS?

beaniesteve · 04/05/2008 00:16

Ok - read the second bit. Perhaps because she knows you were posessive at the start of your relationship she is not sure about taking your child in because she is worried she might upset you or appear to be an overbearing mum in law?

Original poster

flossish · 04/05/2008 00:16

I don't think I'm strong enough to do that anymore. She upsets me every time I see her. She literally screws up her face in disgust whenever she talks about DP and also my children. She makes insulting comments. She told my mum recovering for breast cancer that the prognosis was awful for this disease and that the medication she was taking was a waste of time and wouldn't stop the cancer coming back. This week she told all that would listen completely OTT things about our friend that logically as a nurse like myself she should be able to work out is absolute shite. But it's all for the drama of the moment and 'how awful'.

OP posts:

Original poster

flossish · 04/05/2008 00:21

No, don't think so. She seems to enjoy having 'control' which is why after my text this week telling her what I thought she asked Dp to meet up with her. The first time in weeks, possibly months she has bothered...

SIL listens to her and follows her parenting example (whack em every time they do the slightest thing wrong -For example her 2 yr old kissing my 2 month old a bit roughly...). Not the parenting style I favour TBH, and we've already decided both DP and I that we're much happier with my mum providing any stop gap childcare. I'm just so amazed that she didn't want to make sure my little boy was ok following this awful accident. He is her grandson. How can she not care? How can she lie about it to save face?

OP posts:

Original poster

flossish · 04/05/2008 00:22

I'm ranting now aren't I? I've been at work since 7, got in two hrs ago and am on my 3rd glass of wine so I do apologise.

OP posts:

themoon66 · 04/05/2008 00:28

Ignore her please. She is not worth wasting your brain on. Act like she ain't even there!

beaniesteve · 04/05/2008 00:28

lol - don't apologise. Maybe you need a good rant then try to let it go, bt speak to your DP when things have calmed down.

why in work so late?

chunkychips · 04/05/2008 00:34

She does sound a nightmare and v tactless (re comments to your mum). Could you just make yourself scarce when she comes round and do the bare minimum? I think it would be wrong to make dp choose between you and his mum, but he could have a word with her if she is openly being rude to you. If it's just tactlessness or the fact that she's not interested in ds, you can't really do much about it. Just take her with a pinch of salt, she's the one with the problem. Hope you're friend's recovered btw.

Original poster

flossish · 04/05/2008 00:41

No I don't mean to make DP choose as such - I can't say I like the idea of her seeing my children at all TBH - but if DP chooses so obviously she will. I just mean that I don't want to have any more to do with her myself. DP is useless. The main thing about this week IMO was that she offended and upset me and yet she managed to turn it all round to DP about how I should never have text her and how I'd been upsetting everybody. The person who did get caught in the crossfire I apologised to (SIL) which is more than can be said of her.

Friend is still in hospital, had had 3 ops, hopefully no more. He sustained open fratures to his lower leg and has had complications and a great deal of pain, mostly I suspect brought on from the way in which he was injured, bless his heart. I'm so cross as well as to how she seems to enjoy the drama of what happened to him, finding excuses to visit the hospital and picking up SIL (whop isn't his friend) to go and see also a couple of hrs after the accident.

OP posts:

themoon66 · 04/05/2008 00:42

Oooh.. mistake... NEVER text a MiL!

Original poster

flossish · 04/05/2008 00:44

I mean DP is useless about speaking up to his mum. She does everything for her other grandchildren and nothing for ours. As I've said above we don't particularly want to but last week was IMO an example of when she should have wanted to but didn't. My DS is hard work at times. At many other times he is completely lovely. He is like any other 3 yr old I know and not as awful as MIL makes him out to be. How can anyone make any 3 yr old out to be awful TBH? They are and they aren't IYSWIM?

OP posts:

Original poster

flossish · 04/05/2008 00:45

oh and I work 14.5 hr days. trying to fit as many hrs in as poss to avoid C/c costs. Got home at 10.20 last night and up at 5.15. I ought to go to bed really but I'm riled to hear how she has been slagging me off to DP today.

OP posts:

chunkychips · 04/05/2008 00:56

How old are her other grandchildren, some people just don't like small children, perhaps she's waiting until they're older! I think the answer is to make yourself scarce when she comes round, be busy doing something else and avoid her. You say she's now coming round to see dp when you're at work and bitching about you. How do you know this if you're not there? Is dp telling you this? If so, it's not very helpful and perhaps he should keep it to himself and perhaps she should carry on visiting when you're not there.

lizziemun · 04/05/2008 07:59

Sort of.

When dd1 was 2 and playing with her cousin(3) for hours when her older cousin (7)decided that she wanted to play with dd1 and grab her by her arm and dragged her down the garden.

I asked older cousin to stop dragging dd1 by her arm (dd1 was also asking to stop at she was hurting her) when SIL launch into an attack on my parenting skills (sil children are looked after by MIL more then their own parents but that whole other thread ). Then said that i would never know/be able to look after 2 children (this was 3 weeks after i had had a miscarriage and ttc for 18mths). MIL just sat there spouting that "children will be children".

MIL did not stop SIL from being rude as no one can upset either SIL and oldest grandchild.

We left and i have never received an apolgy from either MIL or SIL, but have been asked by FIl (who is lovely) to apologise to them and since then i have decided that as it is DH family then it is down to him to maintain contact with them. DH has never felt close to his mum so he/she may only speak or see his family about every 3mths.

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