Has anyone ever 'gone against' their OH and just stopped having anything to do with MIL?FIL etc?

[flossish]

I don't think I can do it anymore with my MIL. I hate her. She is spreading lies about me and completely failing to see that anything she does is/could be wrong.

There is a very long history. I've kept my mouth shut the whole time really, never said boo to her. I've been with DP for (adding up in mind) 7 yrs this year. She stopped liking me about 6.8 yrs ago. Since then I've had two children who she bothers with and then drops at will depending on circumstances not particularly related.

This week she really upset me. I told her so for the first ever time, recieved no apology at all. and now she is on the defensive, meeting up with DP while I'm working and bitching about me. I've had enough. Life is too short to worry about people who treat you like shit.

I've thought about it, any of my friends who had a slightest inkling of the fact that they may have offended me/upset me would be mortified and want to make amends. Not MIl she just tries to drive a wedge. It's working. He goes from one extreme to the other with her, as I have done TBH over the years. But this week has taught me she just does not give a shit. My son saw something pretty horrific and she did all she could to ensure she didn't have to be with him. He is 3 but he is a little shit in her eyes. My daughter is 7 months and similarly labelled when it suits.

I'm ranting. The question is in the title really. I don't need people like this in my life but is it worth the divisions is may cause between Dp and I?

Yes, he told me that she said I'd been going around upsetting everyone this week, by texting her and get getting upset on the phone to SIL about her and ranting, for which I have apologised.

Basically she was exaggerating the conidition of our friend and supposing all the worst outcomes were going to be the most likely. Thankfully so far she has been proved wrong. She was basically spreading rumours around the family and not basing her suppositions on any real kind of medical knowledge.

My DS is 4 months older than her other grandson. My DD is 4 months older than her other granddaughter. I've accepted that she isn't interested in them (well sort of). I'm horrified that when it came to DS actually needing her to care about him she didn't.

ignore her.
be out when seh wants to come round
dont accept childcare offers from her
just bypass her. but be polite about it,

I have removed myself from my IL situation. I now leave everything regarding them to my dh (which is not actually such a strange concept when you think about it) and I feel much happier for it.

My dh sometimes attempts to guilt me into going with him and the children to see them but I'm not interested at all. He worries that they might think badly of him because I'm not there but I can live with that.

My quality of life is much improved without seeing them and that's that.

we don't get any childcare offers from her, ever. So that is easy enough.

I'm now stewing about the fact that I've always tried to make her feel welcome at our house, the last few family gatherings have been here. She won't do it at hers. We're not welcome at hers. DD is 7 months and has never been there, the ten minutes down the road that it is. DS used to get excited, when DP was more pro-active about seeing them, when we got close to their house. Now he doesn't remember where they live. When DP did used to take DS (as it was at the time) he was accused of only taking DS to visit cause he wanted help with childcare... Why should she be welcome her when we are not welcome there?

Oh and I meant to say sorry, Flossish. You have had a really horrendous time and obv feel very distressed. Frankly, you MIL sounds very odd indeed and you must be beyond hurt that she couldn't extend any care to you son.

Thank you, you're very sweet. I think thats what I am looking for, an improved quality of life and getting away from all this negativity, because at times like these I find it consumes me. And I don't want to be like this.

So just dont bother with the stupid cow, i dont EVER speak to my MIL and DC's only see her on special occasions and that is supervised by dh, your dp simply cant expect u to like her when u obviously dont and quite rightly so

He admits that he doesn't even really like her. She only has one friend. She is very hard to get along with.

I have little to do with my ILs now. DH and I have been together 14 1/2 years, and looking back the signs were there from Day 1 that I was hated simply for getting together with their Son. They've thrown many tantrums over the years and as a result of them, when push comes to shove, DH will put them first and won't stand up to them. I've swept it all under the carpet for 12 of the 14 1/2 years we've been together, for DHs sake. But following something tactless that MIL said following a miscarriage 3 years ago (and yet again, DH not standing up to his mother), and DH telling me during a row (before a visit from them) 15 months ago that, "husbands and wives don't stick up for each other if it's going to upset family", I no longer visit and haven't been to their house for 4 1/2 years -the last few visits to their house, I mostly spent sitting by myself in their lounge, being ignored anyway. And because I don't visit, DDs don't either (they choose not to, not because I've told them they can't). I refuse to do anything when it comes to DH and his family anymore. Luckily they don't drive, so they only come to our house once a year- their last visit back in January involved them ignoring me anyway!

Your sentence that "life's too short to worry about people who treat you like shit" is absolutely right. ILs like this are not nice people to start with so don't waste your time trying. I wish I'd realised that in the beginning. And don't worry that your children are missing out on a set of grandparents. I tell myself that in not seeing my ILs, I'm teaching DDs that they don't have to put up with crappy people/ILs just because it's family.

Thing is atm, every time he sees her/ contacts her I feel betrayed. She's trying to get her claws in I can tell. Arranging to meet with him is totally out of character and she's been texting him which she never does. Instead of our whole family being the one she doesn't like (she has to have someone in the family out of favour) it is now just me and it isn't a nice place to be. I suspect he will now be deluged with invites and there will be friction a plenty. This sounds paranoid I know but trust me I have been here before, seen her do it to others before and know how it works.I just don't see how this will work.