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Original poster

Am I wrong for thinking that this is inappropriate?

78 replies

MDF34 · 07/01/2025 00:03

My partner and I have been together for 18 years- we are both 36 years old.

Our entire relationship he made is very clear that he did not believe that men and women could be friends. As a result he made my life extremely difficult when it came to socialising as a mixed group of colleagues as men would be present. To the point, that I couldn't do it as it wasn't worth the days of arguments afterwards. I never felt the same way and used to encourage him to socialise with his colleagues when they were going out as a group.

However, I recently saw that he and a female colleague were exchanging almost daily messages on Instagram. He didn't know that I had seen these messages and it didn't bother me, but I became suspicious when I saw that he had deleted them. I confronted him about why he deleted them and he said there weren't any messages. When he couldn't deny it anymore (because I referenced one of the messages), he eventually admitted it. I later found out just after this that he had been going for drinks after work with this same female colleague alone on multiple occasions. He says that the dynamic in his office is a 'sociable drinks after work' environment. However, I feel like it's crossing a boundary to go alone for drinks with a female colleague and especially after deleting Instagram messages (they seemed innocent but he also lied about them). He thinks that I am not understanding his work dynamic and that's why I find it inappropriate. And if I understood then I would think it was perfectly fine (he has worked in this industry for 12 years so I'm not unfamiliar to it).

Am I wrong for feeling uncomfortable with this? I personally feel like it's crossing a boundary to go for drinks alone on multiple occasions. I also feel like I struggle to understand how he doesn't see it in the same way given his jealousy issues. Any advice is appreciated

OP posts:
Ukholidaysaregreat · 07/01/2025 07:34

Wow! This is what Mumsnet is great for. Every post nails it. Hope this gives you a new perspective OP. What you decide to do with this information is up to you. It does sound like coercive control to me.

BodysBroken · 07/01/2025 07:38

His behaviour is abusive. You wete so young when it started that you couldn't see it. Please leave him and work on your self esteem and boundaries before entering into another relationship.

Dery · 07/01/2025 07:44

“WhydontyouMove · Today 00:58

I think your bigger problem is the coercive control. What’s prevented you from leaving him?”

This. It was never okay to ban you from mixed socialising. This is not how healthy relationships work.

TheCluelessMum · 07/01/2025 07:51

Do you find it uncomfortable? Or if he had not been so controlling about you going out with male colleagues, would you have less of a problem?
the deleting of messages and one on one time is strange. I agree - coercive control!

AlertCat · 07/01/2025 08:10

You’re not wrong.

I would be asking myself in what other areas does he make your life difficult if things are not exactly as he wants them? In which areas does he prevent you doing something you want to do, or “persuade” you to do something you don’t want to do?

When The Archers did their Rob and Helen storyline in about 2014, I had to stop listening as it was so very close to home to me fresh out of a coercive relationship. More should be made in TV and radio about this because it is so insidious and often ramps up so subtly, and starts with something that could be argued (like ‘men and women can’t be friends’). It’s a really damaging form of abuse.

MincePiesAndStilton · 07/01/2025 08:10

Bin him. If he’s deleting these messages, what else is he deleting?

Girlmom35 · 07/01/2025 08:26

The only people who are so obsessively against male-female friendships, are the ones who know that they can't be friends with someone of the opposite sex without cheating.
He's been projecting this onto you for your entire relationship, banning you from doing it, because he knows he can't be trusted. He doesn't have a reference frame for normal male-female friendships, because he's never had one without wanting more from it.

He's been controlling you - which is abusive by the way, and that alone is reason enough to leave him - and now he's also cheating on you. Or at least hoping/planning to.
What's keeping you with him?

theallotmentqueen · 07/01/2025 08:33

Horrible that he made you ditch your male friends just bc of his 1950s- esq opinions. Of course a man and a woman can be friends, he’s the one who made it weird, not you.

In this context, I don’t just find his messaging that woman hypocritical behaviour, I find it concerning. If he seriously believes that ‘a man and woman can’t just be friends’, then him going out for drinks with her is a big red flag and suggests something more is going on.

Notimeforaname · 07/01/2025 08:48

BobbyBiscuits · 07/01/2025 00:22

Tell him you're pleased to see he's changed his very narrow minded view about opposite sex friendships.
Therefore you'll be resuming socialising with friends and colleagues of both sexes on a regular basis.
How you're looking forward to nightly conversations and drinks with Steve, Dave, Paul, Barry etc. 'Maybe you and Matilda could join us one evening?'

Say it with a straight face but quite casually. Innocently almost.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

If you didn't know already he's a fucking arsehole.

This is exactly what I'd be doing.

Kerkyra2024 · 07/01/2025 09:00

He's a huge hypocrite it's ok for him to socialise with other women but you mustn't even breath in the presence of another man or he'll get mad? Definitely get out of this marriage. Some of my closest friends are male and there's no interest there beyond friendship at all.

SpringleDingle · 07/01/2025 09:22

He's controlling and cheating on you... wake up and smell the coffee!

peachystormy · 07/01/2025 09:26

nonbinaryfinery · 07/01/2025 00:06

He's a fucking hypocrite.

I wouldn't be having that, and don't let him paint it as a work relationship when it's clearly nothing of the sort.

Men and women can absolutely be friends, but he's clearly thinking it only applies when he does it.

I wouldn't be involved with someone with that mindset either, I'd get rid.

absolutely all of this

MiddleagedBeachbum · 07/01/2025 09:27

Because he’s a jealous dickhead who is controlling you, whilst also wanting to shag other people behind your back and ensuring you never cheat on him by forcing you to sit at home and wait for him like a good little wifey should.
Nothing he can say can justify his double standards and secrecy / lies. He’s an arsehole x

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 07/01/2025 10:01

I'd establish new rules:

  1. You will be socialising with colleagues as a group, regardless of gender.
  2. You both will not be texting, hiding messages or going regularly for drinks with the opposite sex. It's an emotional affair and utter bollox about his work culture.
Or, Leave.
ladybird2024 · 07/01/2025 10:03

MDF34 · 07/01/2025 00:03

My partner and I have been together for 18 years- we are both 36 years old.

Our entire relationship he made is very clear that he did not believe that men and women could be friends. As a result he made my life extremely difficult when it came to socialising as a mixed group of colleagues as men would be present. To the point, that I couldn't do it as it wasn't worth the days of arguments afterwards. I never felt the same way and used to encourage him to socialise with his colleagues when they were going out as a group.

However, I recently saw that he and a female colleague were exchanging almost daily messages on Instagram. He didn't know that I had seen these messages and it didn't bother me, but I became suspicious when I saw that he had deleted them. I confronted him about why he deleted them and he said there weren't any messages. When he couldn't deny it anymore (because I referenced one of the messages), he eventually admitted it. I later found out just after this that he had been going for drinks after work with this same female colleague alone on multiple occasions. He says that the dynamic in his office is a 'sociable drinks after work' environment. However, I feel like it's crossing a boundary to go alone for drinks with a female colleague and especially after deleting Instagram messages (they seemed innocent but he also lied about them). He thinks that I am not understanding his work dynamic and that's why I find it inappropriate. And if I understood then I would think it was perfectly fine (he has worked in this industry for 12 years so I'm not unfamiliar to it).

Am I wrong for feeling uncomfortable with this? I personally feel like it's crossing a boundary to go for drinks alone on multiple occasions. I also feel like I struggle to understand how he doesn't see it in the same way given his jealousy issues. Any advice is appreciated

LOL!!!!

One rule for you one rule for him.

Typical control and manipulation. Drumming it into your head that this is not acceptable and how it's not ok for YOU to do this while all along he was doing it 🤣

Men literally anger me soo much!

ladybird2024 · 07/01/2025 10:04

MiddleagedBeachbum · 07/01/2025 09:27

Because he’s a jealous dickhead who is controlling you, whilst also wanting to shag other people behind your back and ensuring you never cheat on him by forcing you to sit at home and wait for him like a good little wifey should.
Nothing he can say can justify his double standards and secrecy / lies. He’s an arsehole x

This!! ❤️

MustyDooDah · 07/01/2025 10:08

I previously would have said that men and women can absolutely be friends, and may have counselled some mid ground thinking.

Then I found out my DH had secretly seen a female work colleague for drinks after work.

You can guess the rest.

Toddlerteaplease · 07/01/2025 10:10

So it's fine for him to have friends of the opposite sec. But not for you? As others have said, that is controlling. Get rid. You deserve better.

thepariscrimefiles · 07/01/2025 10:14

He's a cheating twat with massive double standards. I can't believe that you accepted his 'no socialising or being friends with the opposite sex' edict.

Codlingmoths · 07/01/2025 10:15

I suggest you support him to live by his own moral standards so tell him he’s now free and single so he doesn’t have to delete insta messages or be a fucking hypocrite about being friends with other women, and add ‘I feel so free at the idea I can go to work drinks and make friends with men after all these years you’ve controlled me’
obviously you mean it and extract yourself completely from him and be free.

Lyannaa · 07/01/2025 10:18

Well the reason he has this view that men and women can't be friends is because of his own behaviour. He knows what he's doing and he judges other people based on what he himself does.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/01/2025 10:22

He started out saying that men and women couldn't be friends, because HE knew that HE wanted to hit on every single (and probably married) woman that he came in contact with, and he thought you would be the same (only with men, obviously). Now he's got you isolated and afraid to even look at another man in case he gets upset, he feels that he can behave however he likes. Because He is More Important Than You.

He's a lying, conniving coercive cheat.

Naunet · 07/01/2025 10:28

he made is very clear that he did not believe that men and women could be friends

When he said that, what he meant was he doesnt see the point in being friends with a woman unless he wants to fuck her, and he assumes you/all men are the same.

Also you absolutely should mind that he goes drinking in mixed sexed groups and messages women when he doesnt let you. Why would you ever be ok with such a disgusting double standard?

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 07/01/2025 11:04

Throw in some casual gaslighting when he tried to convince you there were no messages.

You need to take a long hard look at your relationship. I suspect the rose-tinted glasses will start to come off now.

You really need to leave.

Hoppy34 · 07/01/2025 15:35

Do as I say not as I do.

This man is a liar and a cheat as well as controlling and possessive.

time to leave.