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Original poster

How do I approach this?

33 replies

Stephie1973 · 06/01/2025 19:07

I have been with my partner a few years now. He proposed after a year and moved into my home. We split the bills and keep the remainder of our wages that is left as we earn around the same. We recently decided to each sell our cars and get a newer one to share as I work from home and he has a company van. It was agreed we would split the bills for said car.

A few months in and I’m still paying the AA, insurance, the car cleaning and majority of the fuel. Needed a repair on a tyre which only cost a small amount but I paid. He just looks around waiting for me to pay. The money from my car went on Christmas presents and things to improve the home. He sat back and accepted thanks from the family for the gifts despite not contributing a penny. I gritted my teeth yet again!

we have a shopping pot to which we put £200 each into. We have been spending £100 a week. On a 5 week month I am paying the extra. If a bill goes up I’m covering it as it’s going out of my account. The energy bill is coming in £60 over what we agreed, I’m paying the extra. He just seems to ignore this fact.

we both work hard but I cook every day (he doesn’t know how to cook despite living by himself previously). He comes home, hovers around waiting for dinner to be dished up, woofs his meal down (despite having twice my portion he’s still done first and literally just swallows his food), loads the dishwasher whilst I’m still eating and this puts me off finishing my food. He then scurries off to the lounge where he stays till bedtime.

We sleep apart as he snores excessively and in the end had to have a CPAP machine which he hates but I need to sleep too in order to function. He’s continued to sleep in the spare room even though I haven’t said he can’t sleep in our room.

he didn’t snore this bad when he moved in but he’s put on weight and I think this is a cause of the issue. I tried talking to him about his weight and he just got angry. He’s now 3xl in clothes and his attitude is well this is just me now!

Our sex life is none existent and again his weight I think has impacted on this as he struggle to keep an erection. This then puts me off and I don’t really show an interest anymore.

All of the above is making me question if I want to be in this relationship any more. I want an equal not someone I have to always take care of. I’m not in the best of health myself and it would be nice for me to be considered and always have to be the problem solver.

sorry for the long post. I just needed to get it off my chest and get opinions. I’m at a loss of how to even start to raise these issues.

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 06/01/2025 19:53

Why are you allowing him to not pay his fair share or pull his weight? Give him an itemised bill for what he owes you, including half the cost of the Christmas presents. Then tell him that he needs to cook dinner every second night. Don’t do his washing for him or anything else that he should be doing himself. In terms of the weight, it’s unhealthy. He needs to lose weight. Tell him he has to go to the gym or take up a sport, sort out his portion sizes and see the doctor if need be. I wouldn’t pull any punches. I’d be sitting him down and telling him that you love him and you’re concerned about his weight and the health implications. Tell him your sex life isn’t up to snuff ad it’s because of his weight. Tell him you also want him to plan at least 1 date per month for you and him to spend quality time together. If he can’t or won’t agree to these things and take steps in a reasonable timeframe AND maintain it, then you need to seriously consider the future of the relationship. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Do you want to end up his carer when he’s morbidly obese and starts possibly having heart issues, strokes, type 2 diabetes, etc?

username299 · 06/01/2025 19:59

OP you obviously need to get rid off him because your relationship sounds awful. However, where is your voice in all this?

Why are you letting this bloke walk all over you?

Original poster
Stephie1973 · 06/01/2025 19:59

TipsyJoker · 06/01/2025 19:53

Why are you allowing him to not pay his fair share or pull his weight? Give him an itemised bill for what he owes you, including half the cost of the Christmas presents. Then tell him that he needs to cook dinner every second night. Don’t do his washing for him or anything else that he should be doing himself. In terms of the weight, it’s unhealthy. He needs to lose weight. Tell him he has to go to the gym or take up a sport, sort out his portion sizes and see the doctor if need be. I wouldn’t pull any punches. I’d be sitting him down and telling him that you love him and you’re concerned about his weight and the health implications. Tell him your sex life isn’t up to snuff ad it’s because of his weight. Tell him you also want him to plan at least 1 date per month for you and him to spend quality time together. If he can’t or won’t agree to these things and take steps in a reasonable timeframe AND maintain it, then you need to seriously consider the future of the relationship. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Do you want to end up his carer when he’s morbidly obese and starts possibly having heart issues, strokes, type 2 diabetes, etc?

Edited

Thank you. I keep trying to muster up the courage to confront him but I back down as I hate confrontation. I hint all the time but he just ignores it. I want to be able to have a discussion about it all without a row but I know it’s going to lead to one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephie1973 · 06/01/2025 20:08

username299 · 06/01/2025 19:59

OP you obviously need to get rid off him because your relationship sounds awful. However, where is your voice in all this?

Why are you letting this bloke walk all over you?

I just let it build up in me rather than confronting as I hate confrontation but I know that’s not making it any better

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 06/01/2025 20:17

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

He’s an obese, lazy, freeloading cocklodger with ED - does he gave any good points?

It’s your home. You can tell him to go at any point

Apileofballyhoo · 06/01/2025 20:19

OP, he doesn't seem to add anything positive to your life.

username299 · 06/01/2025 20:25

Stephie1973 · 06/01/2025 20:08

I just let it build up in me rather than confronting as I hate confrontation but I know that’s not making it any better

Show quote history

Can you read up on assertiveness? You don't need to be confrontational and if every request turns into an argument, you're with the wrong person.

He's taking advantage of you.

Original poster
Stephie1973 · 06/01/2025 20:27

username299 · 06/01/2025 20:25

Can you read up on assertiveness? You don't need to be confrontational and if every request turns into an argument, you're with the wrong person.

He's taking advantage of you.

Show quote history

That is a really good idea. One I am going to look into. Thank you

OP posts:
MayaPinion · 06/01/2025 20:30

Do you want to stay with him? If so, you need to have the conversation. If not, you can just tell him it’s over and he needs to leave. It seems as though he was looking for a mum, not a partner.

neilyoungismyhero · 06/01/2025 20:32

Why don't you just sit down with him and say what you've said in your post,?
Certainly as regards the money..you need to say that you need to sort out the financial situation because you're struggling to pay everything yourself and that was never the agreement. As for the other issues I'm struggling to see the attraction - he sounds pretty awful. You deserve better. Anyone deserves better than that OP.

Tinselinthewhoopsiebasket · 06/01/2025 20:34

Add up all he owes you.
Get it back then bin him..sponging isn't an attractive quality..

Squadrona · 06/01/2025 20:34

MayaPinion · 06/01/2025 20:30

Do you want to stay with him? If so, you need to have the conversation. If not, you can just tell him it’s over and he needs to leave. It seems as though he was looking for a mum, not a partner.

This. Though I don’t see why it would be a question. You let a man you barely knew move into your house, and now you are funding an obese, argumentative cocklodger.

TipsyJoker · 06/01/2025 20:38

Stephie1973 · 06/01/2025 19:59

Thank you. I keep trying to muster up the courage to confront him but I back down as I hate confrontation. I hint all the time but he just ignores it. I want to be able to have a discussion about it all without a row but I know it’s going to lead to one.

Show quote history

You should be able to talk about the issues in your relationship without him making it into an argument. That’s suggested to me that he’s either incredibly emotionally immature with low self esteem or he’s emotionally abusive and doesn’t want you to have a voice in the relationship.

For the money, I wouldn’t even sit down to discuss it. I would literally just make an itemised bill, walk up to him, hand it to him and say, “here’s the breakdown of the money you owe me.” And walk away to another room. Include your bank details on it and state that it needs to be pain directly into your account. No discussion. He owes it and if he tries to cause an argument you just say, “How can it be that you are taking money from me and refusing to pay back what you owe? Is that who you are? Are you a cocklodger or an equal partner? I expect the money to be in by xxx date.” And walk away again. Go out if you have to. It’s not up for discussion, he owes it and if he’s not willing to pay it, take it from the joint money for the bills and then leave.

In terms of the health and weight, you can’t make him. I would discuss this with him at a separate time from the money. Just tell him your concerns and tell him the changes you need to see to continue in the relationship. Not up for debate either.

Be strong, you can do it. Have an exit plan in place before you talk to him so you know you have somewhere to go if you have to leave immediately if you feel unsafe. I assume that as the house is yours his name isn’t on it? If so, you explain to him that without the required changes, he will have to find himself somewhere else to live and if he won’t leave, call the police and have him removed from the property. You don’t owe this grown man a roof over his head.

something2say · 06/01/2025 20:38

Sounds to me like living with him has given you the ick and you no longer fancy him. He isn't what you are looking for.

Don't waste time. Broken record technique 'I'm sorry but I no longer love you' and agree when he will move out. Then start again, that's what I'd do.

Livelaughlurgy · 06/01/2025 20:40

You need to re-adjust your view on confrontation. communicate to avoid confrontation. So in November say how do you want to do Xmas pressies? And go from there. I'd go to him tonight and say I'm just looking at the car- it's costing €500 a month to run, so will you set up a SO for €250? on the fifth week say- we've ran out of money for the joint account what do you want to do? And wait. If he didn't send the €250 I'd take it out of the food money and let him run out of food.

but is the bigger issue that you don't like him anymore? Which is fine.

Original poster
Stephie1973 · 06/01/2025 20:41

TipsyJoker · 06/01/2025 20:38

You should be able to talk about the issues in your relationship without him making it into an argument. That’s suggested to me that he’s either incredibly emotionally immature with low self esteem or he’s emotionally abusive and doesn’t want you to have a voice in the relationship.

For the money, I wouldn’t even sit down to discuss it. I would literally just make an itemised bill, walk up to him, hand it to him and say, “here’s the breakdown of the money you owe me.” And walk away to another room. Include your bank details on it and state that it needs to be pain directly into your account. No discussion. He owes it and if he tries to cause an argument you just say, “How can it be that you are taking money from me and refusing to pay back what you owe? Is that who you are? Are you a cocklodger or an equal partner? I expect the money to be in by xxx date.” And walk away again. Go out if you have to. It’s not up for discussion, he owes it and if he’s not willing to pay it, take it from the joint money for the bills and then leave.

In terms of the health and weight, you can’t make him. I would discuss this with him at a separate time from the money. Just tell him your concerns and tell him the changes you need to see to continue in the relationship. Not up for debate either.

Be strong, you can do it. Have an exit plan in place before you talk to him so you know you have somewhere to go if you have to leave immediately if you feel unsafe. I assume that as the house is yours his name isn’t on it? If so, you explain to him that without the required changes, he will have to find himself somewhere else to live and if he won’t leave, call the police and have him removed from the property. You don’t owe this grown man a roof over his head.

Show quote history

Thank you for the excellent advice.

yes the house is mine and I’ve bought pretty much everything in it so he can’t say much to that one

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 06/01/2025 20:41

Here’s some resources on assertiveness

www.getselfhelp.co.uk/assertiveness/

DoloresODonovan · 06/01/2025 20:42

OP perhaps you could redefine “Partner” as this is no partnership.

This same situation occurs here weekly, almost daily, always the same …

Good advice on here though as ever

Good luck, pack up his stuff, he has a van, he will be fine with all the money he has saved.
Perhaps you telling him to leave will not be unexpected. Make sure you have the carkeys.

Original poster
Stephie1973 · 06/01/2025 20:43

Livelaughlurgy · 06/01/2025 20:40

You need to re-adjust your view on confrontation. communicate to avoid confrontation. So in November say how do you want to do Xmas pressies? And go from there. I'd go to him tonight and say I'm just looking at the car- it's costing €500 a month to run, so will you set up a SO for €250? on the fifth week say- we've ran out of money for the joint account what do you want to do? And wait. If he didn't send the €250 I'd take it out of the food money and let him run out of food.

but is the bigger issue that you don't like him anymore? Which is fine.

I do like him as he can be lively at times. I think it is some of the issues I’ve posted about that is making me feel it’s not worth it anymore

OP posts:
Livelaughlurgy · 06/01/2025 20:54

But do you like him like you'd like to share your life with him, or like him like you'd like to share your lunch hour with him?

Original poster
Stephie1973 · 06/01/2025 21:04

Livelaughlurgy · 06/01/2025 20:54

But do you like him like you'd like to share your life with him, or like him like you'd like to share your lunch hour with him?

I guess that’s what I’ve got to think about

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephie1973 · 06/01/2025 21:24

neilyoungismyhero · 06/01/2025 20:32

Why don't you just sit down with him and say what you've said in your post,?
Certainly as regards the money..you need to say that you need to sort out the financial situation because you're struggling to pay everything yourself and that was never the agreement. As for the other issues I'm struggling to see the attraction - he sounds pretty awful. You deserve better. Anyone deserves better than that OP.

I think because reading it I sound awful but it is how I’m feeling at the minute

OP posts:
AlphaApple · 06/01/2025 21:36

He's a cocklodger. Pure and simple!

Pumpkinpie1 · 06/01/2025 21:41

Has he become more of an annoying habit than someone who you love and want to be with?

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