This evening I'm telling him I'm going to leave

[ArtfulBear]

I keep putting it off, but now I just need to rip the plaster off. I have somewhere to go if I have get out straight away (I do not think this will happen, but let's plan for the worst) and a new home which I can move into in a couple of weeks.

Planning to explain that even though I love him, I don't feel the relationship is healthy anymore and it's time to move to living separately and focus doing the best we can for our little boy.

I can do this. The next few weeks will be really hard but then I'll have my own space and can focus on building the loving home I want to live in with my son.

You can do this OP. Sounds like you've managed to get everything in place. Sending you strength.

You can do this, think about how different your life will be when it’s all settled. Keep us posted if you want to!

good luck! Given you ahve a little boy together, presumably you have prepared a spiel on your proposal and options for child visits / custody etc? That could be a point of great stress otherwise

Would you not think it better to wait and tell him when you have your new place ready? I’m thinking the worst really with you saying you may have to leave immediately. At the very least there’s a good chance he’s going to make the next few weeks of your life hell, even if that’s just weeks of begging you to change your mind/guilt tripping. You’ll need a lot of strength to get through this

I agree. Why tell him today when your new home isn't ready yet? You'll make his life as well as yours, miserable until you actually do leave.

I wouldn't be telling him today. Get keys for your new place, 'declutter' and move your stuff in and set up DC toys, both your beds and your important paperwork, your clothing and some bedding etc.

Then tell him. Absolutely no point in telling him now and living together in misery and a awful environment for your DC

If he is abusive or you think he can get violent don't tell him, wait until you are gone. Abusive men get worse when they are losing their victims.

This is exactly what I did. Declutterred the house, packed all of mine and DC clothes into bags and hid in my wardrobe, packed everything else that wasn't obvious. Told him Friday evening, was gone on Sunday morning.

Was definitely the best decision for me.

I've dithered about whether to tell him or not. He's a sulker and can give me the silent treatment for weeks, so I suspect that's what will happen. But that's preferable in many ways to the nice bit of the cycle we're in now.

I feel really uncomfortable not telling him before. Telling him I have somewhere lined up and am going in two weeks seems like a better approach to try and stay amicable for DS.

I've already decluttered and get the keys this week. I can't be much more prepped now and, worst case scenario, we spend a week at Nanny's (DS loves our visits) and then move in.

I do, and will stress that we are very close, within five minutes walk, so he can see both of us as much as possible.

I dont understand your rationale for telling him before you can up and leave straight away

In fact I'd probably move out , whilst hes at work, then tell him

Please, if you are going to tell him, take someone with you.

Personally I would wait or you will be walking on egg shells, he's already emotionally abusive, do you think he could turn nasty? You don't know what someone will do when backed against a wall, you are leaving with his little boy, he is not going to take it lying down

I've spent the best part of 15 years with him. The relationship is no longer healthy and he holds a great deal of responsibility for that, but I feel like leaving behind his back and not telling him until afterwards is dishonest and I'd feel a dick about it. I do not feel I am in danger, if I was that would be different.

Is there a chance he could be a dick once you tell him?
If so, I'd make sure any important documents, passports, birth certificates are stored somewhere safe out of the house incase he tries to go for these.

Good luck OP. You're very brave and well done for making the decision for your little boy.

Good for you! Sounds like you have your plan in place come what may. If he gets shitty just head off to Nana - his loss. I wish you well in your new home.

Might it be better to go to your mum's for a few nights and call him from there?

Then fact that he gives you the silent treatment indicates to me that he is already abusive. You don’t really know what he is capable of. I’d be extremely careful and try to get your family to help with the leaving part. Or contact women’s aid for advice.

Thank you.

Birth certificates etc. are safely stored elsewhere. I expect he'll sulk, but if I'm wrong and he is unbearable or threatening we can leave immediately for my mum's at any point.

OK. That's good. I must admit, because of the emotional abuse, I figured you WOULD be in danger. My apologies

Good luck. Sending you lots of love ❤️

I would consider the worst case scenario if I were you and put your safety along with that of your sons first above all else.

Thank you for caring!

I think he's a coward at heart and deeply unhappy, and he's passive aggressive and childish as a result. I'm confident he won't become violent or unsafe but, as I don't think you can be totally sure how anyone will deal with big life events, I do have a plan b just in case.

I am another who thinks you may be underestimating his response. I too would leave first and tell him afterwards. Good luck.

Well done 👏 🥰

I still wouldn't tell him yet even if he won't get violent, it will cause such a negative atmosphere for your DS by all means give him a week / 5 days / 3 days notice but several weeks is unnecessary.

good luck!