This evening I'm telling him I'm going to leave

[ArtfulBear]

I keep putting it off, but now I just need to rip the plaster off. I have somewhere to go if I have get out straight away (I do not think this will happen, but let's plan for the worst) and a new home which I can move into in a couple of weeks.

Planning to explain that even though I love him, I don't feel the relationship is healthy anymore and it's time to move to living separately and focus doing the best we can for our little boy.

I can do this. The next few weeks will be really hard but then I'll have my own space and can focus on building the loving home I want to live in with my son.

It would be two weeks until we move, ideally.

Maybe I should leave it a few more days. I don't know though, I'm so tired of living in limbo and furtively arranging things. I want to get on with making it real now and I also really do believe a period of time would make it more likely for us to be amicable in the future. Telling him I want to go, I've found somewhere and it'll take a couple of weeks to sort out seems much less catastrophic than telling him after I've left.

OP, don't have the baby in the house with you when you tell him.

Go to your mother next weekend. Leave the baby with her.
Come back and tell him on your own.
Have your car keys and your phone in your pocket, ready to leave.

This is a bad man.
Anyone who will give you the silent treatment for weeks is not a healthy normal person.

Never under estimate what some men are capable of.

Get all babys favourite toys out.
Get anything sentimental to you out of the house too.

Be safe.

I think upping and leaving while he is at work is the best thing to do ultimately.

You owe NOTHING to a man who is abusive.

You owe NOTHING to a man that would give you the silent treatment for weeks.

You are doing the right thing to exit OP! As some posters are suggesting more caution, perhaps you can use the thread to vent/countdown/stay on track, but keep quiet a bit longer in real life. You’re nearly there now x

It’s a dangerous time for a woman when she decides to leave her abuser, your safety is of paramount importance.

He is never going to be amicable and I would formalise all contact arrangements via the courts. No informal arrangement and he should not be allowed to just turn up at your new place either.

He will continue to be abusive towards you and in turn your son and will likely use him too to get back at you as punishment for you leaving him.

To be honest I'm feeling a bit wobbly now so probably won't say anything today. I can probably take a couple of hours flexi tomorrow or Wednesday and finalise some bits like furniture delivery that might make me feel better.

DS isn't a baby, btw. He's primary school aged so still little.

I upped and left in October...I picked up the key on the Tuesday and then on Friday I told him and left . I didn't want to stay around, I'd tried that a few months before and it was horrific and I ended up agreeing to stay. I knew this time I had to stop myself from doing that by actually leaving. Living with him previously for the five days before I agreed to stay was hell. I didn't plan to do it like that - we argued and he called me out on my intentions to leave and I decided not to lie. He spent that time deathly quiet in between outbursts of love and hate, sitting on the stairs crying so that me and kids had to step over him to do anything. I spent so much time at the gym or just going for a drive to escape the atmosphere.

Dont do it on a night. Tell him in the morning before he goes to work and be gone by the time he gets back.

If you do it on a night it'll be chaotic. You want him out the picture asap.

And mine was a silent treatment kind of guy too! Four weeks in February which I brought to an end by suggesting a separation. He talked me round until it blew up in August, and then I left in October.

I can see why you want to tell him a little in advance, so that it's not such a bombshell. He might feel very hurt when he finds out you've been planning for a while without telling him (no criticism intended only observation) so I would be prepared for him to not be amicable.

He may not go to work if you tell him in the morning...mine got signed off work sick for six weeks and previous times had taken time off. The joy of full sick pay as a teacher!

I think the longer you leave it the worse it'll feel, be strong and stern, tell him your mind is made up and not to try and change it.
Good luck & look forward to your new life with your little one

True it depends on his job so pick a day you know he has an important meeting or appointment or something. You need him gone once you've dropped the news. Couldnt imagine dropping that bombshell then sleeping under the same roof.

As someone who has been in a similar position 7 months ago, I agree with what others have said and don't tell him until you can move in to your new place.

I will give things some further thought. Perhaps two weeks is a bit long.

I don't expect things to be amicable straight away and I realise I don't owe him anything. I'd like to give us the greatest chance of vaguely getting on in the future for DS though. I've got this vague notion that if I tell him I've applied to rent somewhere and don't go the same day he might not realise I've been quietly working at it for a few months.

I'd also be concerned about how he will react to the idea that you're not only leaving him, but taking his child away from him too.

It’s never easy whichever way you do it. Good luck for the future.

I think you might be better off expecting a period if resentment and conflict at the start. I honestly don’t think anything you do right at the start if the separation will be met with anything other than anger. It won’t “set the tone” for the rest of the relationship. He will have lots of work to do in the future no matter what.

I would suggest sending your son to your mother’s and telling your dh in a public place after you have moved out. That way you can get up and leave after you have said what you have to say.

Its not really negotiable at this point. He will have to wrestle with his feelings on his own. You are no longer able to be his punching bag or his emotional support human. He will need to get on eith it on his own.

Whenever you tell him it's never going to be the "right" time - there's no such thing in this kind of scenario.

Also remember to him that despite his involvement in the relationship failing, this will be news to him, so while you've taken a long time to reach a measured conclusion, it will be raw to him still.

Practically, will he be OK financially when you go? Do you own or rent the property you're in now? Have you got the finances of the current house sorted? If you're on a joint tenancy, for example, you are probably still liable for half the rent, even if you move out, and certainly liable for half the mortgage if you own your home (unless you're unmarried and it's a house in his name only, which would be the ideal scenario in this instance!)

I don't say any of this because I have sympathy for him, but just thinking of the thought processes that he will no doubt go through to prepare you for his potential reactions.

Good luck OP

He aint gonna be cock a hoop but what can you do. Quick exit, keep it amicable then get the fook out.

Good luck OP.
Just to say that even though he isn't physically abusive, if you feel that he is/will be emotionally abusive, that is still really really awful and not a good atmosphere for any of you. I'm only saying this because women who are in a relationship with sulkers are often stuck in the dynamic of trying to appease them/make things easier for them, and it's very very common to carry that dynamic on when the relationship has ended. I'd be watchful of it (speaking from experience here!)

Women often go against their own best interests when leaving, in the hope for an amicable co parenting relationship.

Usually its not how it works out.
He has to want a good co parenting arrangement, and that will 100% be on him.

It is not your responsibility so please do not take this on.

You are leaving an abusive relationship which is enough for you to shoulder.

His responsibility for his relationship with his son, is on him.

Keep reminding yourself, and him, of that.
It is NOTHING to do with you.

You will save yourself energy and stress if you take that on board.

I agree, tell him tonight and he won't realise you have spent the festive season planning.
You are doing the right thing by leaving, i wish you and your little one peace and contentment.

I totally get your thinking here OP - I once left a partner with no warning. I literally told him Friday night, moved out Saturday morning.

He was livid that I'd gone behind his back, not been honest etc etc. We didn't have a child together but did share custody of two dogs for about a year after I left. He held on to that resentment and anger because that's who he was. I eventually agreed to give one dog up (even though it broke my heart) just to get him out of my life. You don't have that option so keep him as sweet as you can.

He also accused me of squirrelling away money whilst I planned to leave - my sister lent me a grand for rent/deposit on a house and I've yet to find the pile of money he said I hid from him whilst lying 🙄 - that was nearly 20 years ago!

I agree with pp

Don't tell him until you can move into your new home.

Don't have your child there when you tell him/he finds out.

Can you email/video call him once you have left and inform him?

Sadly, leaving or them knowing you are planning to leave is the most dangerous time for women fleeing abuse and he IS abusive, op