Is this normal for a young married couple?

[awzy]

Hi everyone!

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. I’m 28 years old, and he’s 36. No kids.

I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve had sex after going on special outings or dates. For example, when we stay in hotels, go to spas, or even go out to restaurants or bars for a date, we never come home and have sex. I’ve brought this up to him several times, and he says that he only thinks about relaxing when we go to those places.

Even after parties, dinners, or nights out, it never happens either. For me, these are great opportunities to break the routine as a couple, but for him, it feels like “pressure,” though I’m not sure I believe that.

One time, we stayed at a hotel, and I went to take a shower. When I came back, he was already asleep (he always falls asleep or says he’s tired). That specific day, I had to wake him up so we could be intimate. This has been happening since the beginning of our relationship.

In 4 years, we’ve had sex in special situations about 5 times. At home, he has the desire about once a month, and if we try more than once that month, he can’t perform.

Is this normal? I feel very frustrated and unhappy.

I’ve tried so many things to change this. I’ve encouraged him to get his hormones tested, bought toys, and asked him about his preferences… but nothing seems to improve.

Our sex life feels like a nightmare because I feel there’s such a huge disconnect between us. It’s like I have to beg him to be intimate with me, and even when we do, it doesn’t last long. I love him, and we have a great relationship full of affection, but I often feel sad and unfulfilled.

I just want to feel young and have a more adventurous relationship.
What would you do in my place?

Sorry, that sounds very lonely and frustrating. I’d think he was either ill or having an affair I’m afraid. Or maybe he wants out of the marriage but is too cowardly to say so.

Didn't you post this recently and the thread got deleted?

Mismatched sex drives never ends well.

There's no such thing as normal when it comes to frequency of sex. All that matters is both of you are happy with your sex life. If one has a higher libido than the other then hopefully a compromise can be reached.

I don't know why you chose to marry someone with such a low sex drive but you're obviously not happy and things are unlikely to change. He seems unbothered about it and your feelings.

I would suspect he either has a low sex drive or is a porn addict and is using it all up masturbating. Either way it sucks for you. You need to evaluate if what else you get from him is worth the frustration.

You are very young to be settling for a miserable sexual relationship. Communication is key- do you talk openly with each other about sex and feelings?

Closet gay?

How was your sex life before marriage?

Was he this disinterested in sex at the beginning of the relationship? You're very young to tolerate an almost sexless and certainly joyless marriage sexually wise.

I am nearly 49 and have been with DH for 27 years we would always have sex if away for the night and do it most weeks sometimes twice this does not seem normal to me.

Why do you think you’re a young married couple exactly? Neither of you are particularly young, especially a man who is almost 40. Age and age gap could totally be a factor here

Normal - who knows?

What you do know, is you're not happy and your sex drives are mismatched. He isn't that interested in sex.

If he's willing to try to address it, maybe getting a medical to see if there's an underlying health issue, or sex therapy.

But if he's happy this way, and you're not, then I would consider leaving. You have most of your life ahead of you.

Did he mind you waking him to be intimate with you? 😬

This is exactly it!

I'm 37, not married but in a long term relationship and sex isn’t something I regularly think about! I wish we had time! But it doesn’t make me feel unfulfilled.

I'm in my 40s and DH in his 50s, we have sex most days. We've been together 10 years. I couldn't be in a marriage with so little sex, neither could DH.

I wouldn't want sex if dh woke me up for it.

You have sex once a month. That's more than some.

28 is young!

Far too young to be looking down the barrel of an unsatisfactory sex life for rest of her life.

I've reported this one, it reads like AI spam. So not surprised to see your post.

Dh and I have been together 20 years we still have sex if we are away or having a date night. Other than that it's once or twice a month. But in the first five years it was 3-5 times a week.

Your dh either has a low sex drive or does not want sex with you. This could be due to anything from hormonal imbalance, mental health issues, it could be this is normal for him. He could be addicted to porn, having an affair , no longer attracted to you or sexually confused. It would be helpful to understand why, but only he has the answers.

Has it been like this from the start? Is it always you that initiates? Is he an affection person generally? Other than sex do you do other intimate stuff without the sex?

Ideally you need to sit down and have a conversation about your sex life and why it is the way it is. Try to find out if he's happy with it or if he is also concerned.

If he's willing then you can look to change things or at least open the line of communication. If he's not then you need to think about you, can you live with this? Is it enough for you? What do you want?

Most the time I don't have sex after special days out etc. because I'm tired! Either that or I overthink it and worry it's expected (it definitely is not) so then don't.

I am only 25 so definitely young and the rest of the time I have a high sex drive!

No, it’s not normal. If this isn’t enough sex for you, and he’s not going to change, get out before you get trapped with kids.

As others have said, differing sex drives is frustrating but it is what it is. It appears that your husband doesn't see any kind of intimacy as relaxing as is apparent from his behaviour. How did he react to you waking him up for sex? Was he happy to perform? I know for sure that if a man said that on here, he would have been scalded.

An honest discussion, outside the bedroom and in a neutral space, needs to be had on expectations. It's never going to change if not handled sensitively and promptly. Perhaps relationship counselling can help work out the issues and help you both decide the future of your relationship.

I couldn't handle this either.

My OH not wanting sex when we're off together in hotels, holidays etc would make me feel extremely dejected.

Years ago I went away to the Greek Islands for a week with my then boyfriend. We only had sex twice and I had to practically beg for it both times. I was only 24. Most soul destroying week of my life.

Mismatched sex drives rarely improve.

This is not going to get any better.

My DH definitely prefers sex at home. I think he feels more relaxed.

Now that I've understood this, and as we are at home most of the time, it's not an issue.

Passion and desire are a huge part of my relationship and the lack of sexual desire on his part would be an extreme turn off for me and I wouldn't be able to stay with him.