Changes in income

[Changingplace]

I’ve been married for 12 years, up until recently we’d always both earned around the same (about £45k each) and split all bills etc 50/50, we sold a house I owned before we got married to buy where we live now and I put in all the equity (although DH had moved in and contributed towards all bills etc).

We have no DC.

I give this as background because I feel like previously we’ve been a team financially but now I’m questioning thinking I’ve been naive.

DH got a new job, and now brings in about double what I do, but expects everything to still be 50/50 on all bills/household expenses.

Our house really needs work doing, our kitchen is falling apart but when I bring up whether he can put more into our savings to fund it he’s reluctant and can’t really explain where this extra money is going - it all seems very ‘what’s mine is mine’.

I feel like he’s insinuating I’m being grabby by suggesting ‘his’ money could be used to sort the house out, or contribute more towards the bills/mortgage so we both have equal speeds - surely that’s what you do when you’re married?

How can I get him to understand this isn’t how finances should work in a marriage, when I’ve been the one with the equity for a house I wish I’d now ringfenced it as ‘mine’ like he’s now doing :(

You should never have sold your property owned before marriages and not community property to get a house with him. Single women going into marriage with real property should ALWAYS keep their property. A solicitor may be able to help you sort this out regarding splitting the community property when you divorce this selfish knucklehead. Now that he makes 2x what you do, his contributions to the bills should be doubled as well. What you should stop doing is putting money into a joint account so he has no access to your money, and stop paying half. Pay 25%.

Personally I don't do 50/50 room mate relationships with men. They pay for everything connected with the housing and living expenses and I pay for my car, my insurance, and my clothes. That's it. So please when this ends never again enter into a 50/50 relationship with a man. You have to make them step up and not make it easy for them to be a leech.

I’m assuming your theory doesn’t apply to men and only women? Men should sell up and contribute towards the joint property but a woman should keep her property?

if the property was to be kept, it would still be split 50/50 in a divorce?

also a 90k salary is not 100% more than a 45k salary. It roughly 80% more.

but, I do think he should be contributing more towards the mortgage and bills

Yeah you messed up. Clearly a case of what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine. He’s ok with benefiting from you but not the other way round, financially you were only a team when it benefited him.

Get financial advice (but you’ve probably already shot yourself in the foot there) so that your decision are more informed moving forward.

I agree I messed up on my house, I know that but your suggestion of not paying anything towards housing and living expenses makes no sense whatsoever, if you do that what claim can you possibly have on the house.

Keeping my property wasn’t an option as well as buying another, that’s not a practical suggestion of what could’ve happened at all. Stamp duty etc would’ve been excessive.

But I’m not really looking for advice on that anyway, I’m wanting to know if I’m right in thinking he should contribute more now.

Thank you, how can I make him see that he should be paying more towards general living costs? It’s like he just sees this extra income as his own because he earns it, but that’s not how marriage should work is it?

Well what does he say when you point out he was more than happy for you to put in more when it benefitted him, but he acts like you're grabby when you except the same in return? What's his excuse?

Double post

Maybe now that he's earning so much more you can suggest that he takes over paying the mortgage for as long as it takes to cover the amount you put down for the deposit, and you can then go back to 50/50 from there?

Or tell him to grow up and act like a married man? One pot, all income goes in, expenses and savings are equally shared and distributed.

He is controlling you economically and does not ever want to share what he sees as His Money.

I would carefully consider if this is a marriage you actually want to remain in as such behaviour can be seen as abusive. And the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Personally I don't do 50/50 room mate relationships with men. They pay for everything connected with the housing and living expenses and I pay for my car, my insurance, and my clothes. That's it. So please when this ends never again enter into a 50/50 relationship with a man. You have to make them step up and not make it easy for them to be a leech.

Best way to prevent partner from being a leech is being one first😂
5* advice😂

He should pay more, absolutely.

You need to be very direct and clear with him

Yes and go one further and tell him you're reducing your contribution and DO IT.

You should never have sold your OWN home.

He is earning more than you? That's brilliant. He can now provide and pay for things. I would flat out confront him and tell him what I expect of him.

He sounds cheap.

Me neither. I would never entertain a 50/50 relationship, let alone a 50/50 marriage.

The OP’s husband didn’t bat an eyelid when she sold HER house, and now he’s behaving like he doesn’t know where his wallet is to pay for renovations. I seriously can’t deal with men like this. I would not pay for a single fitting or fixture.

So you used YOUR house to buy somewhere for you both, but now he’s the one with more money he’s being tight? Fuck that.

I wouldn’t want to be in a 50/50 housemate arrangement either. I’d expect everyone puts in 100% and you share your money, your skills, your input into running a household etc as a team. Otherwise what’s the point? Surely marriage is supposed to be about supporting each other, not “I’m alright Jack” and every man for himself.

I’d be having a chat with a solicitor and tbh if he didn’t realise fairly quickly how unreasonable he was being I’d get him to put it in writing that marriage doesn’t automatically entitle you to share in his assets and then use that in court when he tries to get half of YOUR house.

OP is very naive.

If my husband had ever told me to sell my house to buy a house with him, I would have run for the hills. No. It just wouldn’t happen. I'm sorry, it is quite emasculating for us women to be buying homes for men. Of course, he's not expecting to contribute 😂

Lots of people split bills 50/50 if they both have a reasonable income. It's unfortunate the hypothetical income changes weren't discussed, what would happen if one of you was unemployed for a while?

And remember that his net income isn't double yours due to the 40% tax.

Anyway since you put in the money for the house I think you've a firm moral argument for him to refurb it now he has money. But others would disagree.

Are you sure he didn't have debts? Is he working longer/harder /more stressful and so feels the extra income is compensation?

As ever, you need a proper conversation.

'Hey Bob. How come it was what's mine is ours when I put in £100k for the house deposit, but now it's what's mine is mine, now that you have surplus? Our kitchen needs fixing, it will cost £50k. I don't have the spare money for that, but you do. That will go half way towards evening out our contributions.'

I completely agree with you that in a marriage with joint assets, especially if you've put in more at the start, this should be a matter of joint income to serve you both.
But you can never make anyone understand anything, OP.
You can talk to them and reason with them, but people will always take away what they want to hear and ditch the rest.

The only thing you can do, is place boundaries on things you can control.
I was once in a similar situation and I always held on to the principle that the one with the lowest income decides the standard of living. If the high-earner wants a higher standard of living, he or she should cover the difference.
F.E. when booking a holiday, I had a certain budget. Let's say £1000. So the holiday budget was max £2000. If he wanted a £2500 holiday, he'd have to cough £1500. Same with eating out. If I said I couldn't afford it and he still wanted to go, he'd have to pay for us both. So take that approach to the work in your house. You need a new kitchen. Well, you can't afford it. If he wants it done, he should pay for it.

So he was keen to take your generosity and share everything, when it worked in his favour. I'm not suprised you are annoyed. He needs a not so gentle reminder that it was your money that enabled you to get a joint mortgage.
I think people either go 50/50 and whatever else is yours, or 70/ 30 and then whatever else is your own, or everything in one pot, each get same spends, have joint savings etc. I think the last one is fairest, and have done so when I was the bigger earner etc.
I think you need to have a straight talk with him, and if he refuses to do 50/ 50, then he owes you half of the initial deposit.

You need to sit down , look at the figures and talk , a lot
Hes being unreasonable.
You are married, life long partners.What are his expectations if you have kids , still pay 50% and incur loss of income , cleaning and house keeping responsibilities?
The original agreement was made when you earned similar amounts , that’s no longer the case so it needs to revisited to make it fair.
Also you need to ring post the equity from your home ie into private pension .
His attitude is risking your relationship .

I would look into whether you can sort out a legal agreement to retrospectively ring fence the money you put into the home/change the way the property is held between you.

I would put it to him that unless he's willing to pool resources, he needs to agree to this change.

Nope that's not how marriage should work at all!
Even before kids we always did the bills on a ratio of take home pay into the pot. We also reexamine our budget every 4 months to make sure it's still fair and accurate.

At different stages of our relationship I have supported DH financially and vice versa.
It sounds like he doesn't want to work as a team ask him what he thinks would happen if you got sick or if he got sick and couldn't work for a period!

Also, while this is so unbalanced, I would be very cautious about having children with him if that is in your life plans.

Because usually the woman's job ends up affected far more by having children, and unless you can trust him to see you right and put the household/family unit first rather than himself, it could be a very bad move.

Kids would be off the agenda for me. Heck, he won't even pay to have the kitchen refurbished.

Women need to stop this 50/50 nonsense and let men LEARN how to provide. 50/50 isn't going to work when we're pregnant or supposed to be ‘enjoying’ our maternity leave.