Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you get over the ick ?

43 replies

Bethanyx0 · 05/01/2025 18:30

Good evening, I hope everyone is well. I just have a quick bit of advice I’d like to ask from a neutral point of view

long story short, a couple of years ago, my marriage was nearly destroyed by another woman. Same old story and there’s probably been hundreds of similar things on here. Husband fancied someone we knew. The flirting got too much. We all had a big falling out. Etc etc.

Anyway. Since then my husband has actually tried really hard with our marriage and we’re in a really good place atm. We’re even talking about having another child. The problem though … The other day he randomly bought up her name again for some reason. I asked him why he’d even mention her name, and he said something along the lines of ‘ Just because I don’t speak about her anymore, doesn’t mean I don’t still find her attractive’. And then something along the lines of he’ll probably ‘’always have a thing for her’ cuz he’s fancied her for so long,

I was generally shocked as I thought he’d literally got over his pathetic school yard crush on said woman.

It’s kind of given me the ick and I don’t know if I can get over that again.

My question is; do any women know for a fact that their guy fancies the pants off someone else, and is happy to just carry on with their family lifes?

OP posts:
litepop · 05/01/2025 18:50

I think that's beyond the ick tbh. I get the ick over unreasonable things like certain mannerisms, use of 'baby' words, the way he chews, the way he ties his laces.....

......what your 'd'H has done is completely unacceptable and out of order. Don't think anyone would tolerate it.

If I even gave my dh a 2nd chance after an affair and he made that comment, he could fuck right off there and then.

It's disrespectful and understandably would leave you feeling angry/vulnerable/insecure.

Original poster
Bethanyx0 · 05/01/2025 18:55

litepop · 05/01/2025 18:50

I think that's beyond the ick tbh. I get the ick over unreasonable things like certain mannerisms, use of 'baby' words, the way he chews, the way he ties his laces.....

......what your 'd'H has done is completely unacceptable and out of order. Don't think anyone would tolerate it.

If I even gave my dh a 2nd chance after an affair and he made that comment, he could fuck right off there and then.

It's disrespectful and understandably would leave you feeling angry/vulnerable/insecure.

It was more of an emotional affair because he loved the attention ( flirting ) even though he knew it made me uncomfortable. We were so close to splitting up but I gave him 1 last chance because of our young child. I don’t think there’s any way I can have another child with him now knowing he still feels the same way.

OP posts:
WhydontyouMove · 05/01/2025 19:08

I’d be done.

username0763 · 05/01/2025 19:14

I find it difficult to believe this is his only unreasonable behaviour. That he's a really nice bloke and just happens to tell his wife that he'll always have a special place in his heart for another woman.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable. Let him go and be with her if that's what he wants. Don't ever accept being second best.

WhydontyouMove · 05/01/2025 19:17

I think he doesn’t want another baby. Nobody is that stupid to say something like that.

Suzi9989 · 05/01/2025 19:41

Can you openly say you find someone attractive?

How long have you been together?
There's a difference between 12 mths and 12 years....
Sounds to me he may be openly talk about his fantasies...

Now you're feeling the ick, can you overcome it?

Original poster
Bethanyx0 · 05/01/2025 19:53

Suzi9989 · 05/01/2025 19:41

Can you openly say you find someone attractive?

How long have you been together?
There's a difference between 12 mths and 12 years....
Sounds to me he may be openly talk about his fantasies...

Now you're feeling the ick, can you overcome it?

15 years we’ve been together and 15 years he’s fancied her 🙄.

OP posts:
WhydontyouMove · 05/01/2025 20:01

15 years we’ve been together and 15 years he’s fancied her 🙄.

Not Buying it. I think he’s just found a really effective way to upset you.

Justsaywhatyoumean123 · 05/01/2025 20:03

It sounds like he is deliberately sabotaging/being avoidant?
I also think it's quite a heavy sort of day, (Sunday before everyone goes back to work?) Could you revisit at the weekend? I'm not saying ignore it, but that's a stressful Sunday night conversation

something2say · 05/01/2025 20:06

I think it is mind bleach territory, he should not have said that. How does he expect you to feel now? So wrong.

Suzi9989 · 05/01/2025 20:08

This is sad, please tell him how this whole fancying x is pathetic.

If I were you, please don't have another child. This is not a healthy relationship atm. 💐

XChrome · 05/01/2025 20:13

Bethanyx0 · 05/01/2025 18:30

Good evening, I hope everyone is well. I just have a quick bit of advice I’d like to ask from a neutral point of view

long story short, a couple of years ago, my marriage was nearly destroyed by another woman. Same old story and there’s probably been hundreds of similar things on here. Husband fancied someone we knew. The flirting got too much. We all had a big falling out. Etc etc.

Anyway. Since then my husband has actually tried really hard with our marriage and we’re in a really good place atm. We’re even talking about having another child. The problem though … The other day he randomly bought up her name again for some reason. I asked him why he’d even mention her name, and he said something along the lines of ‘ Just because I don’t speak about her anymore, doesn’t mean I don’t still find her attractive’. And then something along the lines of he’ll probably ‘’always have a thing for her’ cuz he’s fancied her for so long,

I was generally shocked as I thought he’d literally got over his pathetic school yard crush on said woman.

It’s kind of given me the ick and I don’t know if I can get over that again.

My question is; do any women know for a fact that their guy fancies the pants off someone else, and is happy to just carry on with their family lifes?

They may carry on, but they are not going to be happy. How could they be, knowing he could betray them at any time?
You are in the relatively fortunate position that he has been honest about how he feels about her, so you have been given advance warning that he could and probably will cheat if he can get away with it. So at least you can make an informed decision about staying or leaving. Most of the time they keep it a secret and you get blindsided.

MauveVelcro · 05/01/2025 20:13

I find it difficult to believe this is his only unreasonable behaviour. That he's a really nice bloke and just happens to tell his wife that he'll always have a special place in his heart for another woman

Yep, this.

He's rude, disrespectful, cruel, selfish...lots more I probably can't think of.

If this is the only, single time he's ever displayed that I'll eat my hat.

KimFan · 05/01/2025 20:14

Bethanyx0 · 05/01/2025 18:55

It was more of an emotional affair because he loved the attention ( flirting ) even though he knew it made me uncomfortable. We were so close to splitting up but I gave him 1 last chance because of our young child. I don’t think there’s any way I can have another child with him now knowing he still feels the same way.

Show quote history

If it were me there’d be no more chances and no more children. I’d be out of there like a shot!

XChrome · 05/01/2025 20:14

Suzi9989 · 05/01/2025 20:08

This is sad, please tell him how this whole fancying x is pathetic.

If I were you, please don't have another child. This is not a healthy relationship atm. 💐

Yes, absolutely no to another child.

XChrome · 05/01/2025 20:16

Bethanyx0 · 05/01/2025 19:53

15 years we’ve been together and 15 years he’s fancied her 🙄.

Show quote history

Then he should fuck off and spend the next 15 with her, shouldn't he. Then you can find somebody who isn't obsessed with some juvenile crush.

babbi · 05/01/2025 20:17

I am astounded that he would even say that to you and question his motives .
Extremely cruel and heartless.
Regardless I would leave , no way would I feel second best in that situation.

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 05/01/2025 20:18

Nope. That’d be me done and dusted. I would feel like any progress we’d made to move forwards would have been blown to smithereens, and I would NOT be able to get over that.

YouMeandBrie · 05/01/2025 20:20

What’s wrong with him, why would he tell you that? So hurtful and nothing productive can possibly come out of him saying that. Ick away, op! Think carefully about getting pregnant and vulnerable with someone so careless of your feelings.

Scrollbreadroll · 05/01/2025 20:23

@Bethanyx0 as someone else has said above, that is beyond the ick. I think you’ve posted before about this situation in the past because the years long crush which he openly admits was very strange back then and even stranger now. You say it’s the same old thing and there’s probably hundreds of stories similar but it’s really not. Your husband has an actual obsession over this woman. It’s bizarre. And to say what he’s said to you shows he is making it clear you are still number 2. I genuinely don’t understand why you would stay with someone who is obsessed with another woman?

category12 · 05/01/2025 20:23

Oh wow.

Why would you want to get over that?

I can't see how you could unless you abandon all self-worth.

LostittoBostik · 05/01/2025 20:24

WhydontyouMove · 05/01/2025 20:01

15 years we’ve been together and 15 years he’s fancied her 🙄.

Not Buying it. I think he’s just found a really effective way to upset you.

Hard agree.

This isn't about his feelings for her, just that he's found a useful manipulation tool. And that's why you've got the ick.

VoltaireMittyDream · 05/01/2025 20:27

Ugh, please don’t have more children with this turd of a man.

Original poster
Bethanyx0 · 05/01/2025 20:29

A lot of my friends’ partners act like Jack the lad when out with the boys, but I don’t think any of them have been stupid enough to mention other women to their gf’s / wife’s before. I don’t know what he thinks he’d get out of mentioning her again to me.

OP posts:
category12 · 05/01/2025 20:32

Bethanyx0 · 05/01/2025 20:29

A lot of my friends’ partners act like Jack the lad when out with the boys, but I don’t think any of them have been stupid enough to mention other women to their gf’s / wife’s before. I don’t know what he thinks he’d get out of mentioning her again to me.

Hurting you presumably.
Shaking your self-esteem and keeping you insecure.
Making sure you know your place.