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Original poster

Can you get over the ick ?

43 replies

Bethanyx0 · 05/01/2025 18:30

Good evening, I hope everyone is well. I just have a quick bit of advice I’d like to ask from a neutral point of view

long story short, a couple of years ago, my marriage was nearly destroyed by another woman. Same old story and there’s probably been hundreds of similar things on here. Husband fancied someone we knew. The flirting got too much. We all had a big falling out. Etc etc.

Anyway. Since then my husband has actually tried really hard with our marriage and we’re in a really good place atm. We’re even talking about having another child. The problem though … The other day he randomly bought up her name again for some reason. I asked him why he’d even mention her name, and he said something along the lines of ‘ Just because I don’t speak about her anymore, doesn’t mean I don’t still find her attractive’. And then something along the lines of he’ll probably ‘’always have a thing for her’ cuz he’s fancied her for so long,

I was generally shocked as I thought he’d literally got over his pathetic school yard crush on said woman.

It’s kind of given me the ick and I don’t know if I can get over that again.

My question is; do any women know for a fact that their guy fancies the pants off someone else, and is happy to just carry on with their family lifes?

OP posts:
WhydontyouMove · 05/01/2025 20:37

There’s no other attractive women in the world? Just her?

People fancy other people all the time. It’s not a big deal and they certainly don’t go on about it for 15 years. What other reason could there be for being so outrageously in your face about it other than to deliberately upset you and make you jealous?

He’s done a real number on you with this game. Does he say he’s only being honest when you challenge him? This is a tactic teenagers use to make their partners jealous. That’s how pathetic it is.

As a love struck teenager my boyfriend told me that he still had some feelings for his ex, and that he had arranged to meet up with her to see if the feeling was mutual because he’d never gotten over her. I was heartbroken and cried to my mother about it. She told me to break up with him which I did.

My boyfriend frantically backtracked. He said he didn’t actually mean it, hadn't contacted her and didn’t know where she lived anymore, and he didn’t know why he’d said it. Even now I think what a pathetic thing to have done.

WhydontyouMove · 05/01/2025 20:40

You’re being manipulated and emotionally abused. It’s not really about this woman. She is a tool he is using to make you feel less than.

Original poster
Bethanyx0 · 05/01/2025 20:43

WhydontyouMove · 05/01/2025 20:37

There’s no other attractive women in the world? Just her?

People fancy other people all the time. It’s not a big deal and they certainly don’t go on about it for 15 years. What other reason could there be for being so outrageously in your face about it other than to deliberately upset you and make you jealous?

He’s done a real number on you with this game. Does he say he’s only being honest when you challenge him? This is a tactic teenagers use to make their partners jealous. That’s how pathetic it is.

As a love struck teenager my boyfriend told me that he still had some feelings for his ex, and that he had arranged to meet up with her to see if the feeling was mutual because he’d never gotten over her. I was heartbroken and cried to my mother about it. She told me to break up with him which I did.

My boyfriend frantically backtracked. He said he didn’t actually mean it, hadn't contacted her and didn’t know where she lived anymore, and he didn’t know why he’d said it. Even now I think what a pathetic thing to have done.

Obviously he’s made passing comments about women on the television in the past, which doesn’t bother me. We live in quite a small town, so anyone attractive stands out more then say if we lived in London. He hasn’t continually gone on about her the whole time, but he’s basically been obsessed with her since he 1st met her. In my eyes anyway. She’s constantly in and out of relationships but I guess that’s irrelevant.

OP posts:
Olika · 05/01/2025 20:44

That's so unreasonable thing to say that I wouldn't be able to get over it. I couldn't be with him after that.

Francine84 · 05/01/2025 20:46

a couple of years ago, my marriage was nearly destroyed by another woman

No, your marriage was nearly destroyed by your husband's inappropriate behaviour. Let's not blame other women for the actions of men. It's your husband who took marriage vows and committed himself to you, and is now disrespecting you.

He doesn't respect you. And you should not even be considering bringing another child into your troubled relationship.

Mummacake · 05/01/2025 20:50

OP are you 100% sure there's nothing going on between them? As others have said, you have a DH problem. I think it's time you set him loose, he'll come back bc she won't want him long term. He's doing this to cause you distress & he needs to grow up. Personally, I'd ask him to leave. I would not want to be constantly reminded that he'd rather be with someone else. It's already chipping away at your self esteem & you're more important than that.

TheDogHasFarted · 05/01/2025 20:58

Bethanyx0 · 05/01/2025 20:29

A lot of my friends’ partners act like Jack the lad when out with the boys, but I don’t think any of them have been stupid enough to mention other women to their gf’s / wife’s before. I don’t know what he thinks he’d get out of mentioning her again to me.

Maybe he thinks that if he makes you insecure, you'll do the 'pick me' dance and up your game, as you desperately do anything you can to please him, so that he will stay with you?

Or maybe he is testing boundaries? If he can get away with telling you that he still fancies her and you stick with him, maybe he can get away with sticking his penis in her and still have you stick with him?

I can't think of any innocent or appealing reason for his behaviour and I wonder how he would feel and behave if you said something similar to him. How would he react do you think? Would he be OK with you telling him you fancy another man who you both know?

His behaviour is super disrespectful at best, I can't imagine anyone saying this kind of thing to a partner they genuinely love and respect. Can you?

MagpiePi · 05/01/2025 21:00

It was more of an emotional affair because he loved the attention ( flirting ) even though he knew it made me uncomfortable.

He didn’t have any respect for you and still doesn’t.

Obviously he’s made passing comments about women on the television in the past, which doesn’t bother me.

‘Obviously’? You do know that a decent man wouldn’t make comments about other women, especially if he knew it made you uncomfortable? What does he say when you make passing comments about men on the television?

He’s waving red flags in your face and shouting ‘look at my red flags, ha ha ha’ and you are wondering whether to have another child with him? Really? Really??

EdithBond · 05/01/2025 21:18

He’s being disrespectful. Immediate turn off for any self-respecting woman.

If you almost split up before over his flirting with this woman, why does he think it’s OK to talk about her to you and tell you he’ll always find her attractive? I suggest you ask him how he thought you’d feel. Hold him to account for his behaviour.

Interestingly, how would he react if you told him you’d always fancied a man you’ve known for 15 years and always would? If he wouldn’t like it, why the double-standards?

somethingfifty · 05/01/2025 21:31

Kick him out - what a massive wanker, sorry i know you must have seen something in him but he's a total c*nt. He can go and shack up with her if he thinks she's so f-ing great.

Treesnbirds · 05/01/2025 21:35

"No, your marriage was nearly destroyed by your husband's inappropriate behaviour. Let's not blame other women for the actions of men. It's your husband who took marriage vows and committed himself to you, and is now disrespecting you.

He doesn't respect you. And you should not even be considering bringing another child into your troubled relationship."

100% @Francine84

Not the other woman at fault really, she may not have known he was with you, even if she did that's grim behaviour but she didn't owe you anything like he does.

winter8090 · 06/01/2025 05:13

I don't think there's anything unusual in finding other people attractive.

Admitting it however, and his statement in particular was just downright thoughtless. Why would he want to upset you in this way?

CatZoned · 06/01/2025 05:21

He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t cherish you. If he did, he would keep such things to himself. This is well beyond the ick. The scales fell from your eyes and you see things for how they really are.

PromoJoJo · 06/01/2025 07:38

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

Namechange2272 · 06/01/2025 07:42

What an absolute creep

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 06/01/2025 07:47

Married people quietly fancying someone else is not unusual but telling their spouse about it is, and really nasty too. What are you supposed to do with that information? He’s cheated once and may only not be cheating now because she’s not interested. Time to consider leaving him.

ArabellaScott · 06/01/2025 07:47

He sounds like a nasty prick.

genesis92 · 06/01/2025 09:07

It would be over for me

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