I think I’m finally done . .

[MrsJJ84]

over a year of on / off distant behaviour from husband of 16 years .
if I try to talk about it I’m eye rolled at . Called a nag etc. Told that I’ve made the distant behaviour last longer because I’ve tried to discuss things .
no affection . No sex .
We’ve been in therapy and things got better . But any disagreement causes this distance . Which can last for weeks . And by asking to talk about things I make it worse .
When we were in a good place our communication has always been our strong point so I don’t understand why he now shuts down instead of communicating with me .
Today I’ve been told to ‘trot on’ , sneered at and had my body language / tone of voice mimicked and mocked . Also eye rolled and putting headphones in when i try to talk .
I'm heartbroken and don’t want to disrupt the kids lives but Im so unhappy .i cry most days .
I’m yearning for him to be the man he used to be and i see glimpses but it never lasts . Physically im safe but emotionally i dont feel safe at all anymore .
The kids don’t witness this . Bit I find it hard to be a fun parent with all this going on (kids 15,12,10)
how long do you give therapy , we’ve only had a few sessions . I know I’m not perfect . I can be anxious / needy / prone to getting stressed out . But I feel I try to water myself down so I don’t cause any further discomfort .
thanks for getting this far !

I can be anxious / needy / prone to getting stressed out . But I feel I try to water myself down so I don’t cause any further discomfort .
thanks for getting this far !
I think what you’re describing there is being human! You’re living with someone who’s being very mean to you, please please at least be kind to yourself.
i know it must seem hard to leave but u honestly think ‘happy mum, happy kids’ is the way to look at this.
it may sound blunt but he’s clearly opted out of this relationship and has no respect for you, I’d be staggered if this is salvageable tbh as he just doesn’t view you as his wife by the sound of it.
id be inclined to pause the couples therapy and have some therapy just for yourself to work out what you actually want here, I doubt very much it is a lifetime of bullying and sadness.

He is abusing you emotionally, so any therapy would not be recomended.
I would not give him more time, he is showing you loud and clear how he feels he can treat you and does so. Get your ducks in a row, and start living. This relationship will not improve.
And men like this will revert back to the man you ones knew if they know you are leaving them, just to keep the comfort of the relationship going, for their convinience. He will always tell you what he knows you want to hear in order to keep his own comforts that come with your relationship, aka the sex, cleaning and cooking and not least parenting. So in other words manipulating you

Thank you for replying . When we’re in a good place he’s so lovely. I get lovely messages when I’m at work . Told how proud he is of me . He stops me to take my photo cos he says I look really pretty which makes me smile! And we work so well as a team both as parents and life in general . we laugh together , we get each other . We can talk for hours . He’s the person I can rely on and vice versa .
So it’s amazing when it’s good but rock bottom when it’s bad . That’s why it’s so confusing 🫤

I think he’s already bailed on the marriage. His actions aren’t those of somebody trying to fix communication issues. He’s provoking you to kick him out. Give him what he wants one last time x

He says he does want to be in this relationship. We make plans on how we will handle conflict . I tend to take on other people’s moods and try to fix them . So I said I’d work on that . He said he’d work on opening up a bit more . So far I feel like it’s only me working on anything

MrsJJ84

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

He will never work on anything; in his head it's entirely your fault and not his. Abusive men always blame someone else, anyone else except their own self.

He wants to be in this relationship so you can do all the housework and look after the kids whilst you cook clean and clear up after him. He is too lazy to want to find another target to abuse and he has you still around to abuse and mistreat as he sees fit. Such men HATE women, ALL of them.

Abuse is NOT a relationship issue; it is about power and control and he wants absolute here over you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Remember that always and that is a good lesson to teach your kids.

He has always been abusive and has furthermore ramped up the power and control against you over the years.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

You being a fixer here has really done you no favours at all and that has further played into his hands. Who taught you that very damaging lesson about relationships - it was one of your parents, most likely your mother. That lesson needs to be unlearnt through therapy for your own self.

There is nothing to work on here other than you making plans to free yourself and your kids from his abuse of you and in turn them. Do not think they have not noticed; they pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, and they all know something is badly wrong.

If one of your children as an adult told you that they were being treated like you are, what would your own advice be?.

When he is "nice" he is merely in the "nice" phase of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. You badly need the help of both Womens Aid and a firm of Solicitors to seek legal advice and from that a divorce. Your relationship really ended the first time he abused you.

Your children will be more harmed emotionally if they are exposed to him and this abuse of you all the time. Do not raise these children further within such a toxic environment.

What do you want to teach them about relationships?. Be tired also of being the last person who matters because you bloody well do matter. And knock the joint therapy sessions on the head completely as these are never recommended if there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of; again it's about power and control.

You are also NOT emotionally safe enough to be in any joint therapy sessions with him. I would also report this counsellor to their organisation as clearly this person does not recognise abuse and has done more harm than good.

My mum was emotionally abusive . Didn’t care much about my feelings . Any disagreements in the house were as a result of my behaviour …

Your mother failed you as a parent entirely and her abuses of you in childhood set you up good and proper into this relationship with your abusive H; it was a continuation of what you already knew. What happened to you was and is not your fault; this is all on the perpetrators of the abuse. I would urge you also to contact NAPAC as they do help people who were abused in childhood.

Is your dad at all present in your life now?

Present day you have a choice re your husband and your children do not. They absolutely need to learn life affirming good lessons about relationships and the model they are seeing is not it. It may well feel scary to leave (fear of him, fear of the unknown, financial pressures) but it will be a damn sight harder for you and them if you were to remain with him.

Both my parents are dead . He is absolutely wonderful with the kids . He’s actually a lot more patient and calm than I am !he can go from one room where he’s laughing and joking with one of the kids to a room I’m in and suddenly be silent . Hard to be the only one in the house that gets the brunt

Mrs JJ84

How can you at all write he is absolutely wonderful with the kids?. What's your reasoning behind that?.

He is in turn abusing his children by being abusive to you as their mother. This man is not a good dad or husband and therefore he is not wonderful with the kids. He is certainly sending them mixed messages. They are likely afraid of him on some level because they just know at some stage he is going to kick off and they do not want to be on the receiving end. He could well be grooming or otherwise training them to take his side and that is something you cannot afford to happen to them. You remain very much affected by your mother's abuse in childhood and your recovery from being further abused by your so called H has not even begun yet. Abuse like this too can take a long time, many years even, to recover from.

So I ask you again, how can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

That’s the thing , he never kicks off . Just withdraws . And is never rude/ nasty to me in front of the kids as far as I can remember . That’s what makes it hard to pinpoint if it’s abuse or not . He withdraws when he’s down and I irritate him by trying to find out what’s wrong 😑

Just because your mum was abusive in a particular way, doesn't mean your husband isn't abusive in a different way.

It sounds like he just employs different tactics. It's so manipulative to be happy in the room with the kids and then awful when with you. Shows it's completely intentional.

His withdrawing is also deliberate and manipulative because it keeps you on your toes wondering what is wrong. He always has you on the back foot.

He may not be directly nasty to you in front of the kids but do not ever kid yourself that they do not notice anything amiss.

One day and sooner rather than later your kids will leave home. If you are still with him at that stage what sort of future are you going to have with him?.

This is who your h is and he is beyond reason.

Withdrawal is abusive and controlling behaviour. It’s deniable because they’re not actually doing anything like physically hurting you.

You need to leave this control freak. He will never stop because being abusive and controlling makes him feel powerful.

That’s a classic narcissists way of working, subconsciously they know when to pull the victim back in with a show of kindness and by how much, if he was outright awful to you all the time then it wouldn’t work for him as he knows you would leave and his game is over.
i would really encourage you to read this book, it’s about intelligent women who have been manipulated by controlling men, I found it very useful as even after lots of therapy sessions I couldn’t get it in my head that my ex was no good for me and not a good person.
www.amazon.co.uk/Hes-Great-Why-Feel-Bad/dp/1472142721

Update : just said how upset I was at behaviour yesterday and he’s blown up at me saying I’m begging for an apology . Walked off and won’t engage now . Why am I so undeserving of any kindness ?!?!

Because he is abusive. He does not care how you feel and you cannot reason with him.

This is who he is and he will not change.

What is preventing you from leaving this man?. Is it fear of him/the unknown, money worries?.

He's treating you with contempt so stop begging for crumbs.

You've done everything you can to make the marriage work but it hasn't. You can't have a relationship with someone who won't communicate with you and talks down to you.

You're kidding yourself if you think your children can't see what's going on.

Your situation sounds a bit like mine. Im struggling too. I don't know what made my hubby change either. So i sympathise.

Has he had any health issues or something else that could be worrying him?
Has he always been prone to being disrespectful to you?

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing similar . Feel free to pm me if you like xx

I could be way off-beam here but it sounds to me like he’s got very interested in someone else - perhaps is having an affair, an emotional one at least - and is unfavourably comparing you to another woman who is new and therefore bright and shiny. Or at least he’s got very interested in the idea of a life where he doesn’t have to accommodate the wants and needs of a long-term female partner.

I dont know how to send messages on here. Can you help please? X