Is this how relationships after divorce should feel?

[thehouseplantkiller]

This post has taken me a while to write as I haven’t wanted to turn it into war and peace!

Have been with my boyfriend on and off for about a year and a half but for the first year it wasn’t always exclusive… largely due to him not being sure if he wanted to have a relationship or knowing what he wanted, still talking to other women etc… in the end I cut it off and we didn’t speak for 3 months. In that time I dated and generally focused on myself. He kept trying to get back in contact, eventually we met up, he was very emotional and said the distance made him realise what he wanted, he wanted a relationship with me, was trepidatioous as his previous relationship with ex had been suffocating but wanted to commit and be with me. I think I built him up in my head as this incredible, untouchable man because he was often quite non committal during this stretch of time.

Since then, it has felt more like a relationship. We spend lots of time together (we both have children and our own homes), we have met each others family and friends…

I guess what I’m finding now in this relationship is it doesn’t feel like how I’m used to feeling in a relationship. Whilst DP is great at helping me with things practically in my house (DIY etc), I find that emotionally he can be a bit stunted and it takes a lot to get anything out from him about his feelings (he acknowledges this). I also find him to be a bit emotionally immature sometimes despite being very intelligent. Having met many of his friends now I’d say this is concurrent with how they are (most of his friends are younger.) I noticed early on, but it’s now becoming very apparent he’s quite tight with money, if we go for drinks or coffee… he’ll happily stand back and let me pay. I’m happy to pay my way but feel like the balance is always in his favour.

I guess, I feel like I don’t know where this relationship will go… he says the right things about wanting to make future plans for holidays etc, but I can see that his priority after his children (children should obviously come first!) would be making plans to go on trips with his friends (they’re all very active and enjoy big sports trips).

Not that I’m looking for it immediately but I don’t see any sign from him that he’d want our relationship to move into another level, shared goals, perhaps one day a shared home etc…

This is all foreign to me as he’s the first relationship I’ve had since divorce and kids, so maybe it should feel a lot more relaxed because we aren’t racing for marriage and babies (neither of us want more children)… but I don’t know, I just don’t feel that fuzz of excitement nor contentment that I would want to feel in a relationship. I don’t feel all that special to him… am I expecting too much? Over Christmas I had too many glasses of wine and I told him I loved him, and his response was “I am falling in love with you.” Once I sobered up I felt really rubbish about this.

It sounds like he isn't providing what you need from a relationship. He's tight, doesn't prioritise you and doesn't cherish you? What's stopping you from moving on? And it doesn't matter what other people's post divorce relationships are like. If this isn't right for you, you can end it.

It doesn't sound like you feel safe with him or have true intimacy. That's quite a big thing to be missing in a relationship. Him being immature he is unlikely to see this as a issue that he will be willing to work on.
I personally wouldn't see any future in the relationship if you are looking for more than something casual.

It sounds like you are an option to him as opposed to a priority.

I think relationships after divorce, especially a long marriage, can feel very odd. I was married for 10 years, we divorced 10 years ago now and I married again last year. I still miss my first husband occasionally- he was cleaner than my current DH and we had a shared history of uni etc.

But my new DH brings much more to my life. I joked that I'd never believed in thunderstruck love til I met him. Our marriage isn't perfect by any measure but what I'm trying to say is comparing is, I imagine, quite normal.

As PP said, this guy just isn't doing it for you. I'd end it and look for someone who does.

I thought you might be describing my ex until you used the word 'intelligent' but I guess that might be seen as adjacent to 'devious' 😁

I appreciate all of your responses, thanks.

I think what is stopping me from moving on @Yulelogish is partly I am worried that I won't meet anyone else... I'm a single Mum with limited time to myself so it's not easy. And also when we have had "breaks" in the past... I haven't been able to get this man out of my head. Although I do feel now the veil of mystery somewhat has been lifted and I see him as more of a real life human as opposed to this mythical man who couldn't be superseded by anyone else!

I think what @MightyGoldBear says is very true, I don't feel emotionally safe with him at all. Whenever I open up to him about things I feel worried and uneasy afterward wishing I hadn't revealed so much of myself.

And I do want the thunderstruck love @GingerLiberalFeminist has described. I was married to my ex husband for nearly 15 years and I always felt safe, cherished... but I'm not sure I ever had the thunderstruck love feelings, but I felt very safe with him on all levels... even if he did turn out to be a lying cheating swine

He's a bit tight and is emotionally stunted. I'd imagine most women post divorce would hope for better than those meagre pickings.

I would look up intermittent reinforcement and the scarcity mindset. If it's not right, don't settle. Raise your bar. It sounds like you know what you need, but are scared to look for it.

You're both right @Yulelogish @HomeTheatreSystem ... but what if I walk away and he gives better to someone else? What if I never find anyone who truly loves me? I'm starting to truly believe I'm not worthy of being loved, by anyone.

Not expecting anyone to be able to answer these questions, I am just thinking (typing!) out loud, this is never how I pictured my life being many years ago.

His relationship with his ex was suffocating. That might be because he prioritised fun with his mates over time with her and she didn't like being treated like leftovers. Also that she didn't like him not paying his fair share which he felt was her telling him what to do with his money.

I think he's a dud for more than a bit of short term fun. Maybe practice setting your expectations of him a little higher and see if he responds positively or retreats because he feels suffocated by expectations of mature adult behaviour. The coffee tab always at your expense would be a good place to start.

Re the ex wife, @HomeTheatreSystem I've wondered this myself too. Having been the new Mum myself with a DH who wanted his life to remain largely unchanged whilst mine was completely unrecognisable... I struggle to agree with him on this. We have spoken about this and he does accept that he could have handled things better in his marriage, and I accepted that we change and grow over time... although as a person I'm not sure I get the sense he has grown all that much. Besides being a very good Dad, he doesn't appear to have much capacity for thinking of anyone else's needs. He admits he struggles with empathy and says he is learning a lot about it from being with me, but it certainly doesn't come naturally.

You're right, I'm going to raise my standards and see if he steps up to the plate. Due to work/childcare and me being away with family for a long weekend, after this week we won't be seeing each other for over a week and I think this space is needed. We'll see...
Thank you for taking the time to respond x

You lost me when you said he was tight - such an unattractive quality. He sounds like he’s not that into you, and you are not a priority. If it’s just fun for you then fine - don’t get serious about this one.

Why would he give better to someone else? He's shown you who he is, and he is not going to change. Look at his actions rather than his words. Given your updates, I would also google covert narcissistic behaviour. Sometimes it's hard to see who people really are when you have constructed a different narrative about them. It took me 20 years... you're getting there after just 18 months.

@Purplecatshopaholic I believe if you asked him he would say he does prioritise me... but I think in essence, often it's his wants and needs that come first and it doesn't come to him instinctively to do nice things for me or things that make me feel special.

I also can't help but think that part of his reasoning for wanting to have a relationship when he did was because his friends (who I mentioned earlier in the post) are younger and are now hitting the age where they're starting to settle down somewhat with partners etc.

OP - why are you desperate to cling on to a man who has so many red flags rather than be single? Having any old bloke just to say you’ve git a man really is far worse than bro g happy on your own.

And the whole time you’re on the wrong relationship, you’re not going to find the right one.

@Yulelogish sorry you've had such a difficult experience over such a long period of time. I will look into covert narcissism, Thankyou

@TwistedWonder it's a question I'm asking myself at the moment a lot. I have moments with him where I feel happy. But on the whole I have an uneasy feeling in my stomach with him. I don't fully trust him and I don't feel emotionally safe.

If I am honest, I'm scared to be alone. I was single for over a year after my divorce, but I struggle with being alone. I have a great support network of friends and family but nobody is single and I find the evenings at home alone most difficult.

You need to learn to be alone a bit more. I’m far far more happy alone than with ‘any man.’ You need to prioritise yourself more. If none of your friends are single get some single ones - however, none of mine are and I still go out lots with them! Also I have lots of friendship WhatsApp’s that are always good for an evening chat if feeling a bit lonely or want to just talk rubbish. I think you should take some time to work on being alone and happy! It’ll be far more fulfilling than being let down and not emotionally nurtured by this tight immature man child.

OP you need to get to a place where you love yourself, otherwise you will settle for the little scraps these below par men throw at you. When you get you that place, you will no longer be looking for someone to fill a void.

If someone comes along that ticks your boxes, then win win, but you won't be sticking with someone for fear that no one will love you.

Maybe stop focusing on him and men for a while and focus on you. What makes you happy, makes you feel alive? Are you doing those things? Could be dancing, swimmimg, going to the theatre, pottery etc.

Have you tried therapy? Or any other alternative therapies?

I'm being brutally honest, I think he's with you because you are familiar, reliable he knows he's got away with a lot of shit and there you are still willing to have him, you are a comfort blanket however he's not shown signs of truly being in love with you, he wanted to have his cake and eat it, seeing other women but he also didn't find anyone else he liked more so gone back to you and still he isn't showing signs of being as keen as you are and your posting here because it just doesn't seem right to you.
I wouldn't waste time on him when you aren't satisfied emotionally.

So he was dating other women for a year into your relationship, you stopped seeing him for 3 months, and you've been seeing him exclusively now for 3 months, is that the timeline?

And you want to speed things up? He can't even tell you he loves you, among being cheap and emotionally holding back.

You're rushing things. It also sounds he's not that into you, sorry.

he says the right things about wanting to make future plans for holidays etc,

Which sounds alright if you want to make future plans and go on holidays with an emotionally stunted tightwad, who you don't trust, don't feel safe or happy around.

He isn't compulsory, far from it. Take a step back and work out what is making you cling on to something so unsatisfactory?

For reference I'm divorced with children and repartnered more happily than I ever thought possible after swearing never again, and I can vouch that you do not have to take whatever is on offer because you fear being left on the shelf. Nothing good will come of continuing with him.

Spend some time working out why such a numb nuts is so attractive to you as a partner.

Will try to respond to all the replies in one post...

I do think I'm a "comfort blanket" to him. I believe he doesn't open up to people easily and has shared things with me because he feels comfortable... I am a good listener, empathetic etc... and I think he is at ease in my company. But equally I didn't project high enough standards for myself at all times and I think, subliminally or not, he probably thinks he can give the bare minimum.

I don't think he was seeing other women for a year when we were seeing each other but there were definitely things that happened which I found out about and wasn't happy about. He certainly didn't want to project to the world he was anything but a single man. As I say this has changed somewhat recently as I've met his friends and family... but again I know this doesn't always count for much!

I do have hobbies etc (time permitting!) and am quite active. Admittedly I have let these slide a little bit since we have been back together as they fall on the evenings where we see each other (due to children). But I am resolving to myself to get back into them now.

I have been in and out of therapy for years, most recently about 6 weeks ago. I feel like I need something more now, am considering EMDR or similar. I'm also on antidepressants following the breakdown of my marriage.

Do I end this relationship? Or just let it run its course and fade? Despite the fact we have seen a lot of each other over Christmas and NY, we won't be over the coming weeks and I wonder if I should just step back a bit and see how it plays out? I feel emotionally fraught right now and I'm not sure I could cope with having "the talk" ....

Step back, it's been three months, I've met many boyfriends mothers over the years and I'm not with any of them, it's no reason to stay with him.

Sod him off, you don't need a big showdown, just make the decision and if he asks to see you tell him you're taking some time out as you need some space and you'll be in touch if anything changes.

I predict you won't have to deal with a showdown because he's actually not that arsed about you, you're a convenicnec. If you're going to get into a serious relationship as a mother of children, it needs to be positively benefiting you as a person, fulfilling you, be a place of joy and safety and support, and as such make it easier for you to be a better mother.

Not some half arsed fun sponge, who makes you feel unsafe.

Some time apart sounds like time for you to regain some emotional balance and take a realistic look at what he brings into your life. It doesn't sound like long term prospects or emotional support or love. Is companionship for a time good enough for you?