Is this how relationships after divorce should feel?

[thehouseplantkiller]

This post has taken me a while to write as I haven’t wanted to turn it into war and peace!

Have been with my boyfriend on and off for about a year and a half but for the first year it wasn’t always exclusive… largely due to him not being sure if he wanted to have a relationship or knowing what he wanted, still talking to other women etc… in the end I cut it off and we didn’t speak for 3 months. In that time I dated and generally focused on myself. He kept trying to get back in contact, eventually we met up, he was very emotional and said the distance made him realise what he wanted, he wanted a relationship with me, was trepidatioous as his previous relationship with ex had been suffocating but wanted to commit and be with me. I think I built him up in my head as this incredible, untouchable man because he was often quite non committal during this stretch of time.

Since then, it has felt more like a relationship. We spend lots of time together (we both have children and our own homes), we have met each others family and friends…

I guess what I’m finding now in this relationship is it doesn’t feel like how I’m used to feeling in a relationship. Whilst DP is great at helping me with things practically in my house (DIY etc), I find that emotionally he can be a bit stunted and it takes a lot to get anything out from him about his feelings (he acknowledges this). I also find him to be a bit emotionally immature sometimes despite being very intelligent. Having met many of his friends now I’d say this is concurrent with how they are (most of his friends are younger.) I noticed early on, but it’s now becoming very apparent he’s quite tight with money, if we go for drinks or coffee… he’ll happily stand back and let me pay. I’m happy to pay my way but feel like the balance is always in his favour.

I guess, I feel like I don’t know where this relationship will go… he says the right things about wanting to make future plans for holidays etc, but I can see that his priority after his children (children should obviously come first!) would be making plans to go on trips with his friends (they’re all very active and enjoy big sports trips).

Not that I’m looking for it immediately but I don’t see any sign from him that he’d want our relationship to move into another level, shared goals, perhaps one day a shared home etc…

This is all foreign to me as he’s the first relationship I’ve had since divorce and kids, so maybe it should feel a lot more relaxed because we aren’t racing for marriage and babies (neither of us want more children)… but I don’t know, I just don’t feel that fuzz of excitement nor contentment that I would want to feel in a relationship. I don’t feel all that special to him… am I expecting too much? Over Christmas I had too many glasses of wine and I told him I loved him, and his response was “I am falling in love with you.” Once I sobered up I felt really rubbish about this.

Companionship isn't enough for me, I'm realising that. As I say there are moments where he's shown empathy (oddly enough he portrays this better over text than face to face) and practically he can be very helpful... but that's where I feel it ends with him. The only time I've ever felt like he's put the effort into being with me is when we've been apart, and then we get back and the effort slowly slides again.

I definitely need to regain some emotional balance, I feel totally lost at the minute, in many parts of my life, but this doesn't help.

You don't have to make any decisions at this point, but try to focus on what is good for you. I'm sorry things have unravelled, but try to make yourself the priority. Take care.

You can pay a handy man to be practical. Honestly. You don't need to saddle yourself with him because he can hang a door. Don't do it.

Instead of moments where he's shown empathy, you could expect a relationship with someone who has moments where they don't show the empathy you might like because they're stressed etc. Don't settle for scraps. It's unceccesary.

Focus on getting yourself to a more level place before you look to add in a man to the situation, and then, only if they add to your life greatly.

I do think I'm a "comfort blanket" to him. I believe he doesn't open up to people easily and has shared things with me because he feels comfortable... I am a good listener, empathetic etc... and I think he is at ease in my company. But equally I didn't project high enough standards for myself at all times and I think, subliminally or not, he probably thinks he can give the bare minimum.

you're not a therapist. And sounds to me, in answer to your question, that the relationship has run it course. You’re the main character in your life.

Thankyou all,
A good nights sleep has helped a lot to give me some perspective, I also downloaded and started to read "Women who love too much" and it really resonates with me.

I'm taking a step back from him, he's still messaging etc the same as normal and I doubt he'll notice my lack of usual spark over messaging. I know I need to rebuild myself and this has been an eye opener for me.

What if I never find anyone who truly loves me?

Of course this is a risk. But the reality is that this man does not truly love you, so giving up on him is at least giving you the opportunity to find someone who does.

I'm a bit confused about the timeline, but it seems to me if that ifyou're this uncertain and unhappy early in the relationship, then that's not a good sign. It should be easy and fun and enjoyable in the beginning.

Just out of curiosity why did you divorce your EX?

My ex husband cheated on me. Despite us having very young children at the time (twins under the age of a year old) I knew I would never feel the same again.

2 and a bit years down the line emotions have calmed somewhat and I do know that for the large majority of my marriage I felt emotionally safe and cherished. Despite what happened at the end. My ex husband regrets what he did and how his actions tore our family apart.

For the purpose of this thread, things ended with the other man in question. My instincts were right and he was up to no good!