No success from online dating

[Horribledatez]

Ive been online dating for two years. I get hundreds of likes every day so I know my profile must be somewhat attractive and appealing to men. I go on a few dates a month. In the past month, I’ve been on 7 dates. The dates are mostly ok - and the men show much enthusiasm on the date, the lingering looks, telling me how beautiful I am. The conversation is fun, mostly because I’m a fun, bubbly person and I put people at ease. The men are always keen to pay for the bill in full whether it’s dinner or drinks. However, in almost every instance, they disappear, despite messaging me afterwards how much they enjoyed their time with me and would like to see me again.

I was in a 6 month relationship last year and was seeing a guy earlier this year for a few months who kept ghosting me.

I have a good circle of friends - both single and coupled up. I ask them whether it’s something I could be doing that’s putting these men off, and my friends are brutally honest and would say so, but they say no. It’s a number games, they say, and to keep going.

But I’m starting to wonder if it’s me? And it’s very tough to keep going like this. I take regular breaks but now I’m wondering if there’s any point at all now. It’s starting to affect my self esteem.

Anyone else going through the same?

PS I should add I am looking for a relationship.

I think your friends are probably right in that it’s a numbers game but I’d also say that (depending on your age maybe) the vast majority of people, but especially men, online dating are not on there looking for a wife or even for anything long term. They’re on there for fun, for the excitement, ego boost and for the dates/sex, short term things and then onto the next. I have a few friends who have been on Hinge etc for awhile now and get lots of messages, lots of dates even, but nothing that lasts more than a handful of dates and then they’re unmatched and onto the next!

It's not you. It the men.
They flatter you and pay for a meal. Thinking this entitles then to sex. They don't get it so move onto the next person who might put out.
A depressing reflection of society and the real reason birth rates are falling as women can't find a suitable (real) man, and end up staying single.

Dont just go on dates with any old dick.

I am very selective actually. I chat to them, screen them etc. I try to be careful and safe.

I have a few friends who have been on Hinge etc for awhile now and get lots of messages, lots of dates even, but nothing that lasts more than a handful of dates and then they’re unmatched and onto the next!

yes this is my experience too

They’re on there for fun

certainly on bumble and tinder, the number of men looking for short term or casual greatly outnumbers the men looking for a relationship
i only match with those looking for a relationship but still not getting anywhere 🤷‍♀️

I get hundreds of likes every day which I carefully review, chat to a few dozen that I like
2 dates a week isn’t a lot considering these numbers

*IamfeelIamveryfeel so I’m matching with too many men and I’m desperate? Thanks 😂

I suppose the thing is though, 7 dates in a month doesn’t really seem like you actually like any of these men particularly, it sort of just seems as though you like dates, or you’re desperate for something to stick rather than being genuinely invested in any particular one of these men.

In the space of 1 month you haven’t genuinely met 7 different men who you thought “yeah he could be the one, we have a lot in common etc so I’ll invest some time here”, you’ve had 7 dates where you thought “I really want this to work so hopefully this is the one” and that will reflect in the results. You’re playing the numbers game yourself really because you’re going on so many dates that really you’re just throwing enough shit and hoping some will stick, rather than actually spending time to figure out who might be the right or wrong person and filtering your dates that way.

*Mrsttcno1 these are men that I do like the look of and we’ve had good conversation *
often I’ll have a phone call beforehand too
I wouldn’t waste of my time otherwise

These are men who I find attractive, have a good job and list relationship as what they’re looking for
and often we do have similar things in common.

im not dating anyone or randomly so I can’t say it’s that in all honesty

and I’m not desperate- as I said I am careful

yeah he could be the one, we have a lot in common etc so I’ll invest some time here

Ive been keen for a second date with a few of them, and they say they’d like to meet again and show much enthusiasm, then they disappear 🤷‍♀️

I don’t have an inflated sense of ego at all
I was trying to show my profile gets a lot of attention (ie that isn’t the problem) and I go on some dates (that also isn’t the problem), and the men are very keen (say they want to meet etc) then fade away

It’s not about ego at all, I’m sorry you picked up on that
Most women get lots of likes - it’s the way things are

I could be more selective, and go on maybe 3 dates a month, but I think the same problem will persist

The thing is though, 7 different people in 1 month is not you being selective, it’s the equivalent of you putting a bet on every horse because one of them has to win, rather than taking the time to think and decide really where to put your time.

Your criteria given there to be honest sort of highlights why the dates may not be working.

“Attractive, good job and want a relationship” is your base point, but you should be filtering on there way way down. Taking my husband’s friends as an example, 4 of them are single and would fit that vague criteria so all 4 of then would get a date with you but they are all vastly different people, different personalities, they are nothing alike really and yet you’d put them all into the same category for your dates.

I’d also say part of the problem, and again shows a little in your criteria, is that “wants a relationship” doesn’t mean “wants a relationship with just anyone”. 7 dates in a month is just you wanting a relationship with anyone.

It’s a hard game online dating and if actually looking for love I would argue it very rarely works, and you’re a classic example of why really. Dating 7 different people in 1 month, literally 2 people a week, isn’t a way to build any kind of relationship because you’re never investing enough time into any of them.

You sound like you're having the exact same online dating experience that I did. It was like that for me ..years with periods of seeing the same guy for a while, then nothing, deleting my profile, having a break, saying I'd never go back to online dating, then signing up when I got bored it starting feeling meeting someone any other way was impossible.
I finally met someone last year on bumble or tinder (can't remember which one) and he is great. Together for almost a year.
It can feel so disheartening. I understand how you must be feeling. Invest in doing things for you, with friends.. other things that make you happy. Have a break from dating for a month or 2.
After I met my current partner I joined a fitness group and I can't help thinking how ironic it is that it I was still single I would probably have met someone there 🙈. I don't want anyone else now of course but it's interesting to discover another way after years feeling alone and hopeless. Maybe try something like that for a few months. In a way the less you look the more you find. Good luck.

Thank you PennyApril54 this gives me hope xx

I was in a 6 month relationship last year and was seeing a guy earlier this year for a few months who kept ghosting me.

How come you kept seeing someone who repeatedly ghosted you? I think you should have a stricter internal policy on being mucked about.

Make sure you’re not leading the conversation - if you’re good at making people feel at ease then you will enjoy a conversation with them but you won’t know how good they are at making conversation, and crucially what they reveal as to what they’re looking for.
I have been in a similar position, I was very selective and looked for really specific qualities.
I stopped leading the conversations and found that many were self absorbed, boring or clearly not wanting a ltr.
I ended up dating a guy a couple of times who I was well matched too but there was no spark for either of us. I have since been on 3 dates with someone who is very nice and I will hopefully continue to date.
I have been using a dating coach and that has really helped me as I did make some clear mistakes that meant I was attracting the wrong type and putting off decent ones.

Yes I wouldn’t have normally entertained that kind of behaviour at all, it’s a long story…but you’re right I wouldn’t put up with that again

Thanks for this, very helpful
Which dating coach are you using? If you’d rather not post on here, could private message?

I think, as your friends have said, it really is a numbers game and tbh you're doing better than I did in terms of dating! I was online dating for around 5 years and in that time I met up with no more than 5/6 guys, for me I never felt any kind of spark and even though I worried I was being too fussy I stuck to my guns and refused to settle. Lo and behold I eventually met my now-partner and I knew within minutes of meeting him that he was the one! Four years later we have a house, dog, baby and another on the way! Two of my really close friends also met their husbands online and a know a few more who are in long term relationships! I would say stick with it, the guys on there are largely just normal men who you would be meeting out and about anyway!

Unfortunately men lie and put 'looking for a relationship' because it gets them the most shags, not because they actually are.

A good way of working out those who are lying is to keep an eye on the app for who's on it, even when you're having a break. Any decent looking and nice man who actually wants a relationship would be gone from the app in a week. So, the good looking men who are on there for weeks/months/years do not want a relationship. And tbf, why would they? Decent women outnumber decent men by huge amounts so they can date loosely with wanton abandon.

And. Men swipe right on everyone, I have several times seen men at the gym/ on a train not even looking as they swipe right. They look only once they match. Which is pretty cruel when you think you have a match, then poof gone

i was online dating for 4 years till I met my DP of 3 years. I too matched and if the conversation via text was good I went on a date. I was the same as you, 6 dates a month on average. Only 25% went on to a second and few went on further. I had a few 3 months relationships/dating

i sm independent, good job, bubbly and ok looking. My reasoning was you can’t get to know someone via text as it’s artificial, you need to meet in person. The dates were mostly drinks or a coffee - sort of pre date.

I did get asked for a 2nd date a lot. Some fizzled and others I wasn’t interested in. I met my DP when I was going out on lots of first dates. If I was really choosy I wouldn’t have met him. He was not my usual type but the fact he was really polite and respectful in texts and interested in me made me want to chat longer. He seemed a gentleman.

on meeting he wasn’t my type at first sight. I went on a rare dinner date and was going to cancel but went. Glad I did as we didn’t stop talking for ages and took us an hour to order - thankfully it was quiet. We clicked.

I do say if I didn’t serial dating as you are I wouldn’t have met him.