No success from online dating

[Horribledatez]

Ive been online dating for two years. I get hundreds of likes every day so I know my profile must be somewhat attractive and appealing to men. I go on a few dates a month. In the past month, I’ve been on 7 dates. The dates are mostly ok - and the men show much enthusiasm on the date, the lingering looks, telling me how beautiful I am. The conversation is fun, mostly because I’m a fun, bubbly person and I put people at ease. The men are always keen to pay for the bill in full whether it’s dinner or drinks. However, in almost every instance, they disappear, despite messaging me afterwards how much they enjoyed their time with me and would like to see me again.

I was in a 6 month relationship last year and was seeing a guy earlier this year for a few months who kept ghosting me.

I have a good circle of friends - both single and coupled up. I ask them whether it’s something I could be doing that’s putting these men off, and my friends are brutally honest and would say so, but they say no. It’s a number games, they say, and to keep going.

But I’m starting to wonder if it’s me? And it’s very tough to keep going like this. I take regular breaks but now I’m wondering if there’s any point at all now. It’s starting to affect my self esteem.

Anyone else going through the same?

My experience is if the guy offers to pay in full for the first date they want to see you again (I let them if I want to see them again). So it is odd they ghost you after the first date.. the only thing I can think of someone better suited came along for them.

I am of the belief if he likes you, you will know, so if I had to question then I move on. My DH was very persistent in asking me out even after a rather grumpy date (on my part)!

7 dates in a month is leaning towards speed/serial dating IMO. I could only chat with 1, 2 max at a time (usually 5 days of chatting before meeting up); and if the first date didn’t work out with 1, I move onto the next😁

I’d say don’t give up hope, but bear in mind only 1 out of 10 is normal😆

Also - my experience is from 2019 though so might well be quite dated!

I’d disagree that seven people in a month isn’t selective. When I was OLD, I did paid subs, so I could see who ‘liked’ me. I averaged 300 likes a day. I’d skim through them, like the ones who fit my (extremely rigorous) criteria back, and wait for them to message me.

Even if I only liked one of them every few days (so, about one in a thousand, a small fraction of a percentage), that was still a dozen people a month. At any point in time, I had several conversations on the go with several men who I thought were nice. I went on at least one date a week (often two) and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

When I liked people, I saw them again. With DH, it was pretty clear he was ‘the one’ after about date four (we both continued to date other people until that point), so we both hung up our dating spurs and that was that.

The majority of the people I know (London, professional, late 30’s) met their partners OLD. They mostly went about it in the same way I did.

OP, it very much is a numbers game. May I ask
how old you are and if you live in or near a major city? These will be key factors.

Also, I’d strongly recommend writing a list. I know this will probably be hugely unpopular here, but it worked for me! List all the things you absolutely need in a partner, your nice to haves and your dealbreakers. Then don’t go on any dates with people who don’t fit your criteria.

I’m 39, London,

Then you’re fine. Keep doing what you’re doing, and try to have a good time!

And that’s not what I’m doing

When you go on these 7 dates a month, and the guy says, "Have you had much success on the site? Been on many dates?"

What do you say?

‘Yes, I’ve had lots of great conversations and met some really cool people. Been on some fun dates. How’s it been going for you?’

It's probably not you, it's the men who are on the apps but it's also larger than that.

First, I suspect that the business model of these apps seems to rely on not matching people perfectly. If they did that, too many people would come off them for years or permanently, and that would be a significant loss in their income.

Secondly, I think the amount of seemingly pleasant men on these apps that are there to have casual sex vastly outnumbers the amount of women on there who'd like a long term relationship or marriage, or even anything solid that lasts longer than a year.

If they sense that you are not going to go along with that, almost none of them will message you to say - 'Thanks for the date. You were nice & everything, but the only reason why I met up with you is because I was hoping for an easy shag, and seeing that's not going to happen with you, it's best if we don't meet up again'....are they?

Some men who'll meet you will just be lacking a spark with you, but in the world of online dating, do allow for the fact that many of them will lie about their intentions in order to have that first date, hoping that you might change your mind, especially with alcohol involved.

I would insist on paying my half of the bill or the drinks if out for a meal.

I'm about the same age as you. Honestly, I think a lot of men on apps aren't actually single, and the ones who are mostly have kids and are looking for casual sex only after their divorce.

Er... That's not helpful, you're not OP

Are your profile photos also accurate or how you look now?

Ah, I thought you were just generally asking. Apologies!

Maybe it's different for men and women but - there were a few dates where I insisted on paying for both of us. Reason was I didn't like them, they just weren't for me, even though they were perfectly pleasant, they wanted to see me again, it wasn't mutual - so I felt I had to pay to make up for wasting their time. Iyswim.

I do but they insist and take the bill and pay

it’s really odd!!

Yes men often comment I look exactly like my pics and I regularly update my profile with fresh pics

I don’t think I’ve ever been asked this

and if I am, I would say yes I’ve been dating for two years and leave it at that

@Horribledatez - OLD is dominated by the under 35s. Anyone who is looking to start a family or settle down is likely looking to meet someone in their early to mid 30s so you are left with those not looking for anything serious. First time I dipped my toes into OLD I was your age and five years later I am still single. My experience was quite similar to yours so I have now completely given up. However, I have had a few of my 40s fitness meet their partners IRL - not random meet cutes but thought work or professional fields or hobby/sport- so I think it is best to prioritise expanding your social circle IRL.

OP I don't think 7 dates a month is too much. I live and work in central London and most of my dates either work or live centrally so it's not such a big deal to have a lunchtime coffee or even before work or drinks.
I doubt that you are doing anything wrong.
As a person with a lot of hobbies I have met less suitable men through those hobbies then online - just because I like running doesn't mean that's a defining quality. I hear what your friends have said, have you asked male friends or even exes ? One of my exes said to me " it was obvious you weren't into something casual" - I wonder if you are similar ? When men say they are looking for a "serious relationship " I think it really means they might be but they really also don't want to limit themselves to women who are looking for something casual but would like to pick from both pools. In OLD the most common reason I have been given for not taking something further is that they have met someone else, by which I think they mean they have met someone who has slept with them.

@Rosiecidar - I think you touch on an important point regarding OLD- OLD can be addictive and studies show people continue to look for new interests even if in a relationship or exclusively dating someone. One of the most common reason for break ups on OLD seems to be that the other person has continued to be active and meeting other people on OLD even if in an exclusive relationship or even marriage. Some people are just addicted to the dopamine hit.

This weekend’s story that Lily Allen found her husband (whom she met on Raya) back on Raya while still married to her will come to no surprise for OLD veterans.