I have feelings for my daughters boyfriends dad!

[MH04]

Hi.
New to all of this. I have what I'd call a bit of a problem.
I am a mum to a 11 yr old and a 14 yr old. Both girls. My 11 yr old is 'dating' another boy her age. It's nothing serious obviously at that age and they hardly see each other or speak unless me and his dad make plans. However, me and this boys dad have feelings for each other. We've talked and talked and decided to keep things quiet and see how things go. My 11 yr old doesn't like the idea of it as it means it 'would be weird and she would have to break up with her bf). The dad makes me so happy. We get on like a house on fire and just click. What would others do in this suggestion? Ignore my feelings and end our secret or wait for my daughter to break-up with her bf which will happen at some point due to her being just 11. Or see how things go and then sit kids down?
Thanks!

boyfriends at 11?

I’m guessing you’re both single? It that case nothing wrong with dating but I wouldn’t be saying anything to your daughter about this unless you knew it was going to turn into something serious.

Date but both make a pack that children shouldn’t be told for at least 6 months so keep it a secret from them.
After 6 months you’ll know if it’s going anywhere or not.

I agree with take it slowly and don't say anything to the children until you've been dating at least 6 months.

Well obviously this eleven year old isn't her boyfriend because she's eleven! So the dad is the father of a friend of daughter. I wouldn't be referring to him as her boyfriend regardless of the dad situation.

Are they in the same class/school?

You've already talked to the dad and decided to quietly see how things go so I'd just do that. I wouldn't actually lie but the eleven year olds don't need to be involved anyway.

Oh that's an awkward one isn't it! Personally, I think if your 11 year old has said they don't like it/aren't happy with it, then you could potentially cause issues in your relationship with them if you proceed with dating him. I don't think that's a risk I would want to take.
However, could you just have a platonic relationship with him? Then you never know, things could change in the future and your 11 year old may become happy with it?

11 is too young to have a boyfriend. That's your issue.

Yes I've used the term "boyfriend". Yes she's 11. They have never held hands, its more of a 'name' as her friends have 'boyfriends' etc. There just kids.
I don't know how to directly reply to each person's messege. If someone could help me that would be useful :)
Daughter only not happy because 'it would be weird' which I get. But me and the dad are adults and have spoken about in some depth. Just wanted some advice outside of the situation x

It's literally a word used. There basically friends. It's a school thing with other friends having 'boyfriends'. The most they do is come bowling or McDonald's etc with me or his dad.

Why on earth have you discussed it with your daughter already? Personally I think it is weird and quite risky to date her friend’s parent when you don’t need to, but that is absolutely not something you should be discussing with her.

Yes same classes and school. There friends yes but use the words 'boyfriends etc' as it seems to be the thing at high school these days! There basically just good friends and have slapped a name tag on it.

@MH04 to tag someone type the @ symbol then the user’s name.

If you are both single then see how things go. However, as others have said, at 11 your child doesn’t need to know anything about what’s going in unless the relationship develops.

I have not discussed it. Me and him have been doing alot with the kids together over the past 3 months and my daughter asked if anything was going on and proceeded to say it would be weird. I'm not the best at wording things and as I stated in my original post,. I'm new to this.

He's a boy and a friend , so that's really just that .
A married couple across the street from me , - his dad is married to her mum , I've never had the courage ( and not my business ) to find out who married first .

If it's just a word then I'd stop using it and just say friend instead.

I think you have to put yourself first here. You are an adult who has come across someone that you like and you may want to have a relationship with.

I'd stop going on these family days out and see if you and him can spend some time together without the children and see if you like one another.

Maybe your dd would feel weird about you having a relationship with anyone at all. But I'd be dating him without involving the children.

@MH04 - well you've let her say she'd have to 'break up' with her boyfriend. You're the adult here, you need to step up and reset her boundaries. She also need not be aware of your feelings at this point.

I've taken note. I've been single for a few years now and now my girls are getting older and more independent it's only fair that I deserve some happiness too.
I don't get much time away from the girls as I don't have family support or childcare. It's a tricky one.
Think I'll definitely keep it secret as I have been doing and leave it another few months.
Thanks for everyone's advice! :)

I think get on with it in secret. Don’t tell the kids til it’s serious. It could be 6 months to a year before it becomes something serious. Then you speak to the kids. By then the kids will still be friends but she should no longer be using the term boyfriend. Yeah it would be weird for a bit, of course it would, to any 11 year old - which is why she doesn’t need to know yet. You might go on a date with the bloke and decide he’s not for you anyway, what’s the point of all the drama when it’s totally unnecessary.

That sounds to me like you’ve discussed it with her and, worse, like she noticed something was amiss herself. Honestly OP it sounds like a really bad idea and particularly based on your self-confessed poor communication skills, because you’d both have to manage that situation incredibly well and sensitively not to alienate your children.

Irrespective if your daughter's friendship with this boy, I would not inform my DC that I was initially dating someone anyway. I would keep my personal life separate to my parenting. So I don't see anything wrong with you dating this man without informing your very young daughter.
I also agree that 6 months is a sensible time to wait before introducing children to new partners. This gives the adults time to work through their dynamics first without exposing children to that process. And at 6 months, I would still introduce very slowly.
I don't see anything wrong with two single adults dating. The children are young and don't need to be informed of the initial, tentative steps that adults take when meeting potential new partners.

You must have said something to your daughter. I can’t believe she asked if there was ‘something going on’ at age 11?? I’ve got 3 daughters and the eldest are 12 and 15. And they wouldn’t have asked me that.

Just looking at this objectively and ignoring the fact she's 11 but why does your happiness trump hers? Inevitably she'd have to break up with her bf because of this situation and she'd be prioritising your happiness over hers. Seems a bit unfair. You say the dad makes you so happy but what about what makes your daughter happy?

no let your happiness rule this op
they are not in a particular relationship are they, at 11.

I don't think you should do anything in secret. As that relies on you telling lies and also the boyfriend's dad telling lies. Lies get out of control, what if someone asks you if you're in a relationship you have to lie to them too?

I think it would be very hard to put the wheel back on if your daughter found out that you'd been lying to her.

Personally, I would leave it until the 11-year-old's 'relationship' fizzles out, then reassess your feelings and go from there...... in the meantime do nothing.

Why are you ignoring the fact she's eleven? She is eleven.

Are you saying that there is a possibility that the eleven year olds are going to continue their romantic relationship so the OP needs to facilitate that?

Even Romeo and Juliet were thirteen.