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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband gets angry then sulks if we don’t have sex

71 replies

ThatFunRubyHelper · 04/01/2025 22:05

Writing this just as DH has thrown slammed his clothes and told me to get out of the room after we tried to have sex, but we couldn’t as he told me he felt resistance down there so couldn’t get it in.

Me and DH have sex on average once per week. He often complains about this frequency however I am a full time worker with a long commute so I am often too tired. Sometimes I end up putting out, but if I’m not so in the mood so I don’t really end up very wet.

DH has complained about this to me in the past. He has complained that this isn’t normal for a young couple. Today, the above happened(things like this have happened a few times). I know that he will be ignoring me / being very quiet for the rest of today, possibly into tomorrow.

When we have sex it’s fine and he remains in a good mood, however today I wasn’t in the mood but I tried , but he said that I’m blocking him down there and got frustrated.

Otherwise DH is very kind to me- but when he doesn’t get sex this happens. In all other settings he’s good to me. When he does do this, it just puts me off even more though. I’m feeling quite upset at the moment, just wanted a rant as I’ve not told anyone about this.

Should I try harder , maybe push myself to twice per week?

OP posts:
rainbowsparkle28 · 05/01/2025 00:05

BellissimoGecko · 04/01/2025 22:19

Op, this is not normal. Your h is abusive and a sex pest. He coerces you into sex and uses silent treatment to make you have sex. This is coercive behaviour, and it's illegal.

Instead of considering shagging this specimen twice a week, I suggest you see a divorce lawyer.

You should only be having sex you want. Not sex you are badgered into.

This. Spot on. His behaviour is abusive. Get out - you deserve more than that.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/01/2025 00:09

Why do so many women put up with this kind of shit?

You’re not happy. Tell him and why.

GildedRage · 05/01/2025 00:17

once you have rid yourself of him, in the future you may want to consider some water based lube. it helps a lot.
with age comes dryness (and by age i mean post menopause).

Hyperquiet · 05/01/2025 00:31

You have to be relaxed and foreplay helps with that. But this doesn't sound very healthy.

NameChanger91736 · 05/01/2025 00:33

TwistedWonder · 04/01/2025 22:38

Another pathetic sulky man child who thinks sex on demand is his right and throws a tantrum when he doesn’t get his own way.

No OP, you shouldn’t have to force yourself to have sex with a coercive tosser. I’d be seriously rethinking my relationship in your shoes

Its vile how common this is, iave had several friends in the past whose partner sulks and is horrible to them if they dont have sex

It's absolutely disgusting that so many men think they have a right to womens bodies like this. Absolutely vile

sallyanne33 · 05/01/2025 11:59

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/01/2025 00:09

Why do so many women put up with this kind of shit?

You’re not happy. Tell him and why.

‘Why do so many men do this kind of shit?’ I think that’s what you meant.

Tinselinthewhoopsiebasket · 05/01/2025 12:02

Your inner worth is keeping him out... Listen to it..

Ltb and don't look back..

sallyanne33 · 05/01/2025 12:03

GildedRage · 05/01/2025 00:17

once you have rid yourself of him, in the future you may want to consider some water based lube. it helps a lot.
with age comes dryness (and by age i mean post menopause).

Christ, she doesn’t need lube, she just needs to not be having unwanted sex she was bullied into by a coercive partner.

GauntJudy · 05/01/2025 12:11

My ex was like this. I especially dreaded holidays as the expectation was daily sex. I loved it when my period arrived as i was off the hook.

We separated and the absolute silver lining was not having to decide if I just had sex to avoid an argument, or to try to excuse myself from sex and risk a couple of days of sulking and put downs.

In short, get rid x

ymemanresu · 06/01/2025 10:16

please pm me, i don't know how to do it on my phone.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 06/01/2025 11:16

Nothing puts a woman more in the mood than a sulky man child.... not!

Fuck that (excuse the pun), he's a sex pest who is happy to have sex with someone who doesn't want to, and is a sulky man child.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 06/01/2025 11:29

Nah, would not pit up with him. LTB

BlackChunkyBoots · 06/01/2025 11:40

I'm not surprised your fanny clamped shut. Eurgh. Also, he shouldn't be forcing you, that's wrong.

InkHeart2024 · 06/01/2025 11:41

This is domestic and sexual abuse. I'm sorry.

Commonwasher · 06/01/2025 11:46

This is not right. He is not entitled to have sex with you. There is not a ‘right’ number of times to do it per week.

I think you will have to tell him in words of one syllable that this kind of behaviour is coercive and toxic, and that he needs to have a word with himself. You will have to set out that you don’t feel like sex in a situation where you don’t have any choice in it… either having sex when you are not in the mood, or being stonewalled/punished if you don’t consent, is not any kind of choice to put before somone you claim to care about.

He will probably come back with stuff about feeling ‘rejected’. He may indeed feel rejected, but that does not justify abuse.

If you are not entangled in property/kids, I would suggest parting company.

olderbutwiser · 06/01/2025 11:51

Why are some men so bloody dense?

I do understand that for some people (men in my experience) sex = love; if you don't want sex with me you must not love me.

But WTF? Do they think that bullying you into sex will turn you on? Or that sulking will make you want to give them a blow job? Where do they get these delusions from?

OP, been there, also had the emotional and financial manipulation with it, and lived in a miserable marriage for years. If you don't have children then seriously consider leaving; if you do have children then seriously consider therapy for yourself so you can find your voice in your marriage (and don't rule out leaving).

Joelle84 · 06/01/2025 11:56

LTB he wont change

TomatoSandwiches · 06/01/2025 12:01

This is horrendous, please please find a way to leave this abusive man, this is no way to live op.

Justsurfing · 10/01/2025 16:20

Sorry you are going through this OP, my advice is to leave, it will only get worse. I have been in a what started as a similar position, always moody and arguments if I didn't want sex, threats to go get sex elsewhere. Over a 14 year marriage this all gradually escalated to the point I would wake up to him inside me, the excuse was he'd had a drink and didn't realise we'd fallen to sleep!

Like you, he was great in all other aspects of our life.

I am just going through divorce as we speak and to this day he does not agree that what he did was rape. I've never told anyone because I'm too embarrassed. It hard being the wicked witch who has left such a lovely man but if only everyone knew the truth!!!

I hope you find the courage to recognise how wrong this is, a lot sooner than I did and move on x

Crushed23 · 10/01/2025 18:39

Tinselinthewhoopsiebasket · 05/01/2025 12:02

Your inner worth is keeping him out... Listen to it..

Ltb and don't look back..

This.

The body rejects what the mind doesn't want.

I had this with ex-DP. He sulked when we didn't have sex and lost his temper on a couple of occasions. I thought it was normal behaviour, but learned (from a MN thread I posted on the matter!) that it is coercive control and Not Okay.

PromiseNotToCall · 11/01/2025 01:37

ThatFunRubyHelper · 04/01/2025 22:05

Writing this just as DH has thrown slammed his clothes and told me to get out of the room after we tried to have sex, but we couldn’t as he told me he felt resistance down there so couldn’t get it in.

Me and DH have sex on average once per week. He often complains about this frequency however I am a full time worker with a long commute so I am often too tired. Sometimes I end up putting out, but if I’m not so in the mood so I don’t really end up very wet.

DH has complained about this to me in the past. He has complained that this isn’t normal for a young couple. Today, the above happened(things like this have happened a few times). I know that he will be ignoring me / being very quiet for the rest of today, possibly into tomorrow.

When we have sex it’s fine and he remains in a good mood, however today I wasn’t in the mood but I tried , but he said that I’m blocking him down there and got frustrated.

Otherwise DH is very kind to me- but when he doesn’t get sex this happens. In all other settings he’s good to me. When he does do this, it just puts me off even more though. I’m feeling quite upset at the moment, just wanted a rant as I’ve not told anyone about this.

Should I try harder , maybe push myself to twice per week?

Don't push yourself to do anything. Perhaps you wouldn't have to work so many hours and commute long distances if he could provide. Why would you want sex if you are feeling comfortable or living in comfort? I know I wouldn't.

Kikkideerligghter · 11/01/2025 01:48

My ex was a sex pest. He tried every night to have sex with me, even when I was exhausted. Then he got the sulks if it didn’t happen. It took me too long and three children to come to my senses. Don’t be me.

Franjipanl8r · 11/01/2025 02:17

That was very upsetting to read. This is abuse and you need to leave. This isn’t going to get better. Please leave and get therapy, you’ve already suffered enough.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 11/01/2025 02:30

He is abusing you. Get a divorce.

My own fanny slammed shut in sympathy just reading your post.

He's got no right telling you to get out of your own bedroom.

Muthaofcats · 11/01/2025 02:32

OP I hope now that you’ve been encouraged to recognise this for what it is, you take steps to get away from this awful dynamic. I actually don’t think it’s even worth a conversation with him about it, I don’t see the relationship can recover this, even if miraculously you got him to understand, you’ll always know. So I’d just safely make arrangements and then when you can, leave. I’d speak to women’s aid about how to do this safely; men who feel entitled to women in the way your husband appears to can get violent when they feel under threat of losing control over you.

please get away from this rapist; and do it safely.

Will you let us know you are ok?

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