I need to take plunge and move out but I'm worried I won't be able to afford it

[summer90x]

Hello

Lately in my relationship I've felt so down, not valued and just a mum. Not a partner anymore

I work full time, so does my partner, his mum has our son a lot for childcare, but she drops him back about 1 when I am still working, so I spend my lunch hour trying to settle him for an afternoon nap. I don't get any time to keep on top of house work, Altho I still manage to, my partner got a cleaner to come on a Friday to help. Yet he still expects me to work full time, look after our son, he goes to gym every night so I also do the evening routine for our son, cook everyone dinners!
Anyway lately my partner moans at me a lot, about small things, like why is there not a lot of food, you need to go shopping or the house is a mess, or accusing me of doing damage to something in the house even tho I haven't?

Tonight we was supposed to get a takeaway, but couldn't decide so he said he was going to cook something for himself and he offered to do something for me also but I said no don't worry, he then started moaning at me about a mark on the all and accused me of doing it, at this point I just felt like enough! Sick of him accusing me of things I haven't done, he got defensive and I got angry saying he doesn't stop moaning at me, and he said why don't you move then if I am that bad (this is also a common thing whenever we have a argument- tells me to leave, so I don't feel secure here) he then said how I don't make an effort with my self anymore and relationship is dead. He also has done a loft conversion so our son could have his own room, and keeps saying he done the loft for me and that I am so ungrateful for it. I said tbh that was for our son, so stop saying it's for me. The argument got heated and I ended up walking away crying and I left him to put our son to bed and I've been in spare room since.

I feel like enough is enough now and I should leave - I'm worried I won't be able to afford rent and childcare - I just feel trapped 😣 as his mum is my main sorce of childcare and I can't afford anymore near where we live. Where do I go from here?

I need to add there's no romance from him, we hardly go on dates as we have a 1 year old, he never gets me flowers or says nice things to me (I don't expect an expensive bunch but a cheap little bunch now and then wouldn't hurt!) i don't know I just feel like a maid and mum - I don't feel valued or loved anymore

All he says is 'shall we do it tonight' and tbh I don't ever feel like it - as I don't feel romance there from him - it's like he wants to just to have sex and that's it

It’s shit op,I’m in the same boat,I can’t afford to leave either,I work but it’s not enough,hopefully someone will be along with some better advice.

@Itiswhatitis80 it's horrible isn't it, as I really do feel like I need to leave this. It's reminding me a lot of how my dad treated my mum and I always told her not to put up with it and now I'm getting treated the same! I could have to go into office for work and walk through the door and first thing he says is what's for dinner, like I'm his mother! I feel that's all I am good for is house maid and a mum to his son!

Also I know now, we won't talk. He will ignore me for days and nothing gets discussed until I try - I wish I never said anything as only ever bothers me - it doesn't affect him at all. I haven't eaten any dinner, have a banging headache from crying! It's just crap!

Have you looked at any entitlement to universal credit? Also, regarding childcare, if you have shared custody then he will be responsible for sorting childcare on the days your son is with him and if you end up doing the larger share of childcare then he will have to pay maintenance. I doubt it will be easy at all but I’m sure it’s workable somehow, sounds like you need to get out of there. Research your options before you tell him anything you plan to do as I’m sure he will try and detail them x

Did he treat you like a maid before you got pregnant?

I also don't understand, why does having a 1 year old mean that you can't go out?

Granted the 'dates' are more a family thing but we go for a meal most Friday nights, go to the ice hockey together, etc.

It is a bloody awful way to live op,you’re partner sounds very much like my dh,he hasn’t spoken to me going on 2 weeks now,that’s his patten,iv started getting in contact with old friends,do you have anyone you can confide in op,I think that is the worst part,the secrets we keep with the fake smile we paint on.

@Flipslop yeah I will defo get universal credit but maybe only 400 as I work full time - but I have my own car bills and other bills on top of rent, rent is showing about £1200, food, travel - I'm so stressful. He would only be able to have him weekends as works also and his job is 'way' more important than mine. Another thing that breaks my heart is having him go some of the week when he's only 1 😔 this whole situation is making me so sad

I love how people comment,check your uc entitlement,it doesn’t matter,most homes are unaffordable,rents are sky high,20-30 people per property!

@Itiswhatitis80 it's awful 😔 when ever there's an argument he ignores me and doesn't speak to me at all and it doesn't bother him in slightest- I'm the one who suffers from it as I bloody hate arguing. But I can't keep holding in how the way he treats me makes me feel!

@WiseLurker We do go out with our baby sometimes but the whole entire time, he throws tantrums as wants to get out of his seat, he doesn't just sit and chill or watch something - he throws tantrums whole time so we are always getting up, then my partner gets stressed out with it and we go home feeling stressed and think was that worth it! So we just don't bother much, but we used to go on dates all the time before a baby. I feel like he just sees me as a maid and mother to his child! That's the way it feels x

Then he would defo have to pay you child maintenance, I think there’s an online calculator to get a rough idea what he would be obliged to pay?
im so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds so rough and very sad 😔
the things to focus on I guess are ‘happy mum, happy baby’ I know it will be rough but the outcome will be better all round once you’re settled and the other thing being what kind of role model you’re being by staying.
wishing you lots of luck, you can find your power I’m sure and take the wind out of this bully’s sails x

@Itiswhatitis80 rent is SO expensive, UC would pay me on the work out thing I done about 400 towards that, plus all bills, travel for childcare, food! My own other bills like my car! I just cannot see me affording it 😔

@Flipslop I'm crying 😢 thank you. I just feel so low atm like worthless - like I'm only good for one
Thing, lost myself completely- I don't see my friends anymore as I'm either working or looking after my baby, and to be honest I just don't feel like leaving the house, I just feel sad

@Flipslop I just feel so trapped with childcare commitments and work and money if I moved out, child matienence he said he worked it out and would be about 200, I don't know what he earns exactly as always different as he's self employed

I’ve been a lone parent since my child was one.
I left an abusive and controlling relationship with practically nothing but the clothes on our backs.

I have always worked full time and the father is not really involved, so I don’t get the respite of shared custody.

It can work, you make it work.
Is to easy? Absolutely not.
Is it financially a challenge? Yes.
But you manage, you become resilient and resourceful.
Childcare costs can be reimbursed 85% by universal credit if on a low income.
You can make do and muddle through until you slowly grow your resources.

In this time since I have been on my own, I have also done a masters degree, learned to drive, purchased my own car and bought my first home completely independently whilst raising my child alone.
I have thrived OP and you can too.

We can’t get help from the council either because if we leave I’m making myself intentionally homeless,I dream of my own little safe house somewhere,it’s shit op,I really feel for you because I know exactly how you feel,there should be some kind of commune or something where women can go,does his family know how he treats you op?

Please reach out and be open with your friends about how you’re feeling and what’s going on, I’m sure they will be relieved to hear from you and even if it’s a pop in for a cuppa then it will help. Being isolated really facilitates abuse as you end up with only the awful persons perspective on anything 😔 sending a huge hug. Do you have any family that can support you? X

@Flipslop i do talk to my family, his family and my friends sometimes about it when there's an argument but I just can't be bothered this time 😔 I just feel so drained. They always say the same thing that I need to leave him and I deserve someone who treats me better - I don't even want anyone, but it's not that easy to just leave him I just feel very trapped and sad - just more sad for our child x

I left a year ago now with 2 kids. You need to start from somewhere. Start house searching, view the houses, apply and see what they say, what they need. There's always a way out. Communicate with your friends / family in real life someone could offer to borrow you a house deposit etc. Will you definitely get 85 percent help towards childcare costs. Your new year's resolution is to leave. Life is too short to be treated like that.

And I really would make more effort with myself like I used to but I don't feel like it as I just feel low & also I never have any time!! X

If you both work full time why the fuck is he expecting you to do all of the cooking and housework?

Why isn't he doing 50% of it?

Because you’ve been made to feel
worthless 😔 can you contact your GP or a local charity for some free or NHS therapy to help get your self esteem repaired somewhat so you’re in a better position to look after yourself and move on? X

@HackGrey He was bought up mostly by his Nan who literally didn't let him lift a finger so now he expects this from me, he thinks a woman should do all the house work, cooking, looking after the baby etc! Even tho I work full time, he always says his job is more important and that all I do is sit at a laptop at home. He doesn't care to know my job is very demanding he never has cared

@Flipslop Yeah I wish I could make more effort and feel like myself again, I will speak to a doctor is a continue to feel like I do xx