Crap relationship, baby 6 months

[Reachingout34]

Hi

please be kind as I am really upset over this. I have a beautiful baby who is 6 months and I have loved the last 6 months with him - he is amazing. Sleep not too bad and I don’t feel as down or exhausted as I expected to. Actually I’m pretty happy in myself.

the blight on all this is my partner. We’ve been together 3.5 years only, moved in together after 9 months and had a baby because of our ages (we’re 35). We bought a house together over this time, near my parents so I have a lot of support. he is just miserable to be with since our baby was born. Snappy, breathing down my neck about how I do things all the time (‘use this saucepan, not that one. You’re using the wrong nappy etc etc). This morning I had bought us Gail’s croissants and nice fruit for breakfast and had made baby porridge. He was taking ages doing the nappy and I waited but did politely call that his breakfast was getting cold and he shouted really aggressively back at me. I felt it ruined the morning. But basically everything is ruined all the time by him, to the extent that I love my days alone with baby and I hate weekends and when he is off. I feel he does nothing nice for me, just behaves like my actual enemy.

ive told him he seems unhappy and needs to try to make himself happier - either through exercising or counselling etc. But beyond that im finding it hard to muster up much sympathy when his unhappiness feels like it’s directed towards me. I feel like he is just dragging me down and I would prefer to do this on my own.

we don’t have sex anymore, have only done it about 3 times since baby born and it was rubbish. Was never that good to begin with but really is the pits now.

ive read how not to hate your husband but i just don’t even feel it’s relevent because im not wanting more help, im just out of love and don’t like being around him.

im not sure we were ever really that in love. We had a good life before baby and he was better company, would book restaurants etc and I feel like we ultimately had a good friendship and an ok sex life and that that was enough but not I’m wondering if that wasn’t enough and I should have been more in love with him to begin with. Also I do just feel like he has changed for the worse.

for further background he works a corporate job but was never that stressed about it pre baby. Now he is a lot more stressed by it. I go back to work part time at 10 months. Currently I do all the night wakings (baby wakes twice a night). Partner gives him a final feed with a bottle but usually around 9/10pm so he isn’t going to bed crazy late or anything. Baby is downstairs with us of an evening and is fairly demanding and goes to bed around 9 ish which I admit could be better but actually he is on and off sleeping during that time and we are still mainly able to have a sit down meal, watch a show etc.

not really sure what I’m asking for other than shared experiences, whether that’s staying or leaving a partner in a similar situation. Currently fantasising about ending it and putting relationship totally behind me…

Nothing changes your life/relationship more than a baby. This applies to both parents. life does becomes a fair bit more complicated and expectations need to be reset... Unfortunately your partner is not coping or perhaps regrets it. You might have some hope of resolving the former but the latter is down to him. You need to put your baby first assuming that he isn't going to. If it's any consolation children get easier as they get older but definitely do not have another baby with this guy.

I think you need to talk to your boyfriend , have date nights as a couple and try and work on your relationship.
There’s an awful lot of me me me in your post and no us . It comes across that you’ve used him to have a house and baby but don’t really want a relationship as it’s too much like hard work !

Have you told him how you're feeling? In a calm, kind way? I think you need to sit down and talk honestly with him whilst the baby is sleeping and see what he says. Tell him you're feeling really unhappy and why. Couples counselling may be helpful.

I would say though that it is always a big change the first year after a new baby. My DH and I literally never argued once until we had our first child so it was has been a learning experience! That child is now 6 and we have 2 more little ones and the first year of each of their lives is just survival and then basically reconnect more after that once things have settled. I wouldn't be making any big decisions about your future as a couple yet tbh. You owe him honesty and a chance to improve things, and you will be returning to work and so on so lots of change. You may feel you are both much happier and settled as baby ages.

One thing though, I wouldn't be doing all night wakes alone, why is that? Is it due to breastfeeding? Wondering what the plan for that is when you return to work?

My dh was similar and I am so glad I gave the relationship time as we are a lovely family unit now.
I didn't have another dc though because of how he was at first, and it worked out fine.

It takes two for sure, but if you actively put extra effort into the relationship hopefully he will match your vibe.
I'd tell myself I've chosen my partner carefully rather than saying things like we weren't in love, etc. Focus on his good qualities. A strong intention to be there for each other is a better foundation. Give yourselves time to adapt and take it from there.

It sounds like he could have post partum depression. Would he agree to go get screened?

Having a baby and adapting to being a parent, is a huge change. Us ladies have no choice but to adapt, as our bodies change with pregnancy etc. Baby is born, and that's when reality hits for a man - life completely changes. Some men struggle with all the changes being a parent entails. Sex life, money, hobbies, spur of the moment days out/weekend away, date nights etc - it's all gone. Some men struggle with this more than others. You need to sit down and have a honest conversation about how HE is feeling/coping. It may be before having a child, his job was stressful but he coped well. Now throw in a baby, and a stressful job and he's struggling. You need to find time for a date night once or twice a month (ask family to babysit) and spend time being a couple. You are both individual people, not an extension of your child, so you do need 'me' time but equally for your relationship to survive you need 'couple' time too.

Sorry to read this, it sounds very tough and he shouldn’t treat you like this…would couples counselling be an option? I realise you said that you don’t want this relationship anymore, but since you both just went through a huge change, maybe give it another few months with effort being made from both sides, and then reassess?

That sounds really tough, OP. I’d highly recommend the book Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Lundy Bancroft. It is written from the perspective of how to save your relationship IF it is worth saving and has a step by step process. Really helped me, although I ended my relationship in the end, but I knew I had tried everything to save it and keep my family together and my ex had chosen not to join me on that journey.

Sending you hugs. Xx

I think that’s really unfair. He wanted the baby and the house as much as me and we have both worked equally towards both.

Thank you for this lovely and thoughtful message. I’ve had a proper sit down with him today and we’ve talked about starting couples counselling. Really appreciate you sharing your experience which has given me hope!
yes I’m doing night feeds which settles him very easily. When I go back to work I’m hoping sleep will be better, if not we will need to re evaluate for sure!

Thank you everyone! Such thoughtful messages!
date nights and counselling!! Yes!

Having a baby is like throwing a bomb into your relationship

It not easy to adjust

You both need to accept your new reality

All is not lost here but you both need to sit down and talk - you need to mention his mood and negativity and the impact it’s having on you but also the fact he is moody and quick to anger suggests he is struggling with the changes in his life.

That is ok but he needs to open up about what is going on in his mind to make him feel this way

Also you should never make rash decisions this early after having a baby - your hormones are still not settled

Thank you for this! You said your DH was similar - what did you do to cope with the behaviour/rudeness? i get so angry when he’s snappy it keeps ruining my life. Makes me not want to spend time with him

Definitely I’ll admit my hormones have been dreadful making me less tolerant of his more minor rudenesses. When will they settle though?!?! When I reduce breastfeeds in 4 months (when baby goes to nursery part time)?

This is so true. I think as women we have so much more emotional support from each other too, whereas men of our generation (I’m hoping gen z etc are better equipped!) just don’t have that. They barely have the language half the time to even try to express what is going on. My bf is quite a classic guy in this way and doesn’t have much emotional awareness. I think we need a professional to help him do that, and he hasn’t agreed to therapy on his own so maybe couples counselling will be good. When I try to talk about it myself with him I don’t feel we get very far however much I do try.

we do date nights but they haven’t been much fun because of where he’s at. But perhaps doing activities rather than food would be better?

Thank you for your kindness.
in the end are you glad the relationship ended? Was it a two way decision?

It takes some men a long time to adjust. Honestly I feel like my husband has just got there and our eldest is 3.5 and the youngest 1.5.

We decided to go for a second because he did improve once we got to the 6 month mark with our first but it deteriorated again when our 2nd was born and the first year was a nightmare.

I went to therapy, insisted he did too and we did couples counselling. You both have to really really want it to work.

if you start thinking you’d be happier alone you’re mentally checking out. Try and find things he does that are positive and praise him to the hilt when he deserves it.

Ultimately though you know your dealbreakers but it should get better as the baby get older. Once genuine resentment sinks in, it’s bloody hard to shift.

While you are trying to make your relationship work, use EVERY available form of contraception.

Just on the date nights thing, I agree with this but as someone who has never had family childcare on offer for that, there's plenty you can do at home or that creates a similar fun atmosphere. Once the baby goes to bed at a vaguely consistent early evening time and you're confident they will sleep for x amount of time we would do things like order a nice takeaway and watch a film together, or play video games, or play board or card games, crosswords, or do a jigsaw puzzle...that type of thing.

Whilst the baby is so young these things can work well because you can finish a crossword together in 20 mins and if the baby does wake and ruin it, it's not such a big deal! And even a film you can just pause and watch the rest later or another time. It all feels more 'low stakes' at home I think as well - if it gets disturbed or one of you gets tired earlier or whatever, it's not a big deal as you haven't arranged a babysitter for X time, there's no pressure to be out having an amazing time and so on, just call it a day and finish the rest of the film tomorrow/in a few days time or whatever.

Best wishes to you for the future, I hope things work out.

Prekids we were rock solid and barely ever argued. Like had a disagreement talk once a year or something.
We've got 2 under 3. I have 1 month left of mat leave. our marriage is strained. We have started marriage counselling.

Counselling early is good. I wish he'd agreed earlier.
Yes to Date nights
I'd tell myself I've chosen my partner carefully - i love this advice.
When things get heated i tell him and myself "we are on the same team" or "i am on your team" it takes the heat out.
I also just neutrally call him out when his tone is shitty.
I know me going back to work improves things.

It's hard. the main i am trying to do is release the resentment because loads of these tension points / niggles just naturally go away as the baby gets bigger but the compounding resentment can just smother the love and respect.

It does sound as though you stayed with your oh to have a baby, rather than having a great, stable relationship and then mutually deciding to have a baby.
Without blaming you the words you chose to say to your oh were quite loaded. Instead of saying your breakfast is getting cold, you could say your breakfast is ready and leave it at that. In essence the same thing but they are weighted very differently.
Have you spoken to your oh about how you feel? Have you told him you are unhappy? You need to to that and then both work on ways to make things better.
Most relationships are put to the test when a baby arrives, even good relationships.

Hi OP, hope you’re feeling a bit better today.

It was not a mutual decision to end the relationship. The process made me realise that my relationship was abusive and that I had no choice but to leave.

It has been hard, mostly because he is an abuser and is therefore unable to co-parent positively - he just wants to abuse me further through the kids. Regardless, I haven’t regretted it for a single second and only wish I’d done it sooner!

The book - couples counselling is one of the steps (my ex refused it) - helps you to work out if this is a fundamentally decent guy who is willing to work together to make things better, or not.

Good luck, OP. You sound so lovely and deserve a happy life. Xx

I was saying the babies breakfast is getting cold, and I said it in a nice way with 0 aggression of aggy-ness. I was being careful because he erupts so easily.
and no I didn’t stay with him to have the baby, that is your interpretation. We both decided to have the baby together, like I’ve already told you. Not sure where your view of a woman trapping a man into a baby comes from - maybe you should have a think about that? It comes across as quite sexist and outdated tbh. I said that our relationship wasn’t perfect and that I’ve been having my doubts but I take offence at the idea that I forced anyone into this.

I’m so sorry. It sounds like it’s been really tough. But so strong of you to come out the other side of this and I bet you’re a great mum xxx

OP it's very early days as having a baby really does change everything! l think there is hope that you can improve things if you both want to stay together. I agree with PPs, have an honest chat about how you are both feeling as comunication is the key to understanding. He may find it it difficult as men often struggle with their feelings and how to express them and frustration can lead to grumpy behaviour or rudeness. Hopefully counselling will help you to both express your needs better if he is on board with it. You both have a lot to work towards and a lot to gain so wishing you all the best and hope things get better.