Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not feeling brave enough. Advice needed.

31 replies

Otter2108 · 04/01/2025 11:23

I'm looking for advice as there's no one I can trust or any friends I can talk to.

I've been with my partner for 19yrs, got with him when I was 19 and he was 23. We moved in together when I was 21 and brought a lovely house. We had 12yrs of just us before we had our first child and then the 2nd came along shortly after.

He's a lovely man and has been a great provider for me and the kids. I say he's lovely as in we've never argued an never any cheating.

Recently my sister got married and at the wedding (as all weddings) we were asked when are we getting married, I laugh it off and say oh we'll elope one day and just do it. He also says the same. He's never wanted marriage, I did for a little while but soon got over it with other things coming up in our life such as big holidays, buying a new house, kids, job changes etc.

Since the wedding it's really dawned on me I never want to marry him. I'm very lonely and would describe myself as a single mother but in relationship. I do everything on my own, days out with kids, school events, never go out together, cinema on my own, never go out as a family and when we do hes not engaging and kills the mood. I've even had 2 holidays with the kids without him. I have no real good friends. He plays golf a lot so weekends are lonely.

We've just moved house, bigger mortgage and being renovated by him so every spare minute is him working or golf.

It's always been this way, even the 10yrs before kids but I didn't mind then as I was young and out with friends a lot.

I earn good money, the same as him and we have a more than comfortable lifestyle.

I've became friends with someone at work who has recently been through similar however there was a lot of arguments and toxicity between them which made it easy to end the relationship. This person, although can get lonely, feels relief and is always doing something exciting and by that I mean meals, cinema trips, camping with kids. It's been an eye opener and I feel I'm missing out on a lot of living.

He does all the school drop offs and I do all the pick ups.

I think he's old school and will stay for the kids, in my mind that's the best option because of our ties as in house, kids.

It's difficult because he's not been 'horrible' as such but just no spark, no interest, just plodding living day by day. I feel we got together too young and just not compatible.

I'm ashamed, im scared, im sad for my children and wouldn't know how to approach this convo, I don't know what to do.

Any similar experiences and was the outcome good or bad?

OP posts:
Original poster
Otter2108 · 04/01/2025 11:34

I'd also like to add that I love him, I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want him to struggle or be lonely.

The thought of us both having to restart life in our 40s is heartbreaking. I don't want this for him but it's stifling my happiness too.

I'm just so terrified and so sad about it all. I've got through teens, 20s, 30s with this man. In my mind I've checked out. In his mind I think he has too but will stay.

OP posts:
PosiePetal · 04/01/2025 11:36

Could you join your new friend/colleague on the camping trips etc. or has this new friendship got the potential to pull you away from your marriage? Apologies if I have misunderstood but it’s not clear from your OP.

username299 · 04/01/2025 11:39

Have you never argued because you've never challenged him?

I'd have plenty to say to someone who buggered off every weekend and left me to do all the childcare and go on outings by myself.

Original poster
Otter2108 · 04/01/2025 11:43

Sorry I wasn't clear, it is a male colleague. I do get on with him just because of the type of work we do and similar lives. I want to stress he's not the reason for me wanting to leave like an emotional/physical affair. But he has opened my eyes to how a relationship should be and how life should be lived... if that makes sense.

OP posts:
pimplebum · 04/01/2025 11:44

you are 40 ! In the prime of your life !!!
I recommend making your social life as busy as you can
in time you will meet someone else and that will motivate you to leave

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/01/2025 11:46

Have you told your partner you are lonely in this relationship?

NoGwenItsABoxingDayTrifle · 04/01/2025 11:51

Have you told him how you're feeling, if he knew and changed behaviour would you still want to leave?

Original poster
Otter2108 · 04/01/2025 11:52

username299 · 04/01/2025 11:39

Have you never argued because you've never challenged him?

I'd have plenty to say to someone who buggered off every weekend and left me to do all the childcare and go on outings by myself.

I have previously challenged him, there's always an excuse. "I've got the house to do, I've got golf championship". We bicker but i dont like conflict, it beings back sad memories from my childhood so i just go with it.

He says he has no interest in softplay, he has no interest of watching a chick flick at the cinema etc. The only thing he's happy to do is get some snacks and we sit and watch netflix. I've watched everything and bored so I end up going to bed early, he's moaned about that so I've said to him recently 'take me out then' to which he had an excuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Otter2108 · 04/01/2025 11:53

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/01/2025 11:46

Have you told your partner you are lonely in this relationship?

Yes, he says he's busy with renovating and I should go out with my sister/family members... which I do quite often.

OP posts:
Original poster
Otter2108 · 04/01/2025 11:55

NoGwenItsABoxingDayTrifle · 04/01/2025 11:51

Have you told him how you're feeling, if he knew and changed behaviour would you still want to leave?

It's now at a point that I've been so lonely so long that when on the off chance we do something together I just don't enjoy it. He makes it known its a chore and gets snappy with the children and me.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 04/01/2025 12:00

Imagine your life as a set of installments. You are only 40–you have lived two twent year installments(or 4 x 10). Your next 10 or 20 years can and should look different. Just start to separate your lives. He has golf and the house: you choose life enhancing things to do too. Plan for a separate future.

Original poster
Otter2108 · 04/01/2025 12:01

pimplebum · 04/01/2025 11:44

you are 40 ! In the prime of your life !!!
I recommend making your social life as busy as you can
in time you will meet someone else and that will motivate you to leave

I would never want to leave to go into another relationship. I'm just not the type to have an affair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Otter2108 · 04/01/2025 12:02

pikkumyy77 · 04/01/2025 12:00

Imagine your life as a set of installments. You are only 40–you have lived two twent year installments(or 4 x 10). Your next 10 or 20 years can and should look different. Just start to separate your lives. He has golf and the house: you choose life enhancing things to do too. Plan for a separate future.

So are you saying stay but live a single life?

OP posts:
PosiePetal · 04/01/2025 12:27

I think you need to tell your partner exactly how you feel. That you are not fulfilled by the relationship. Maybe move out for a bit to think about what you both really want.

You don’t need a new relationship (yet) but I think you need time to very carefully consider your future. Also, lots of people who have affairs aren't the ‘type’ to have an affair. It does sound as though the guy at work has made you question your happiness in your current relationship and this can be how affairs start. I think you are being incredibly careful to not think of it that way but why mention him at all? Take your time to think very honestly about what it is you really want. If you can confide in a family member, do.

holly1483 · 04/01/2025 12:45

You say he's lovely... he doesn't sound at all lovely. Not shouting or having an affair doesn't make someone lovely. Your bar is extremely low.

it's really sad that at 40 you feel it's worth settling.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/01/2025 12:49

Otter2108 · 04/01/2025 11:34

I'd also like to add that I love him, I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want him to struggle or be lonely.

The thought of us both having to restart life in our 40s is heartbreaking. I don't want this for him but it's stifling my happiness too.

I'm just so terrified and so sad about it all. I've got through teens, 20s, 30s with this man. In my mind I've checked out. In his mind I think he has too but will stay.

This is your future and your gut is telling you loud and clear that you don't want it.

So start thinking seriously of what you DO want it to look like, then start looking at ways to make it happen. If you want him more involved would he consider counselling/mediation so you can explain it better? But ultimately you cannot make another person change, you can only change yourself, and if that doesn't give you your new future could you continue this life for another forty years? When you are both retired with less money, poorer health, stuck in the house together...

I met my stbx when I was 18. At the age of 58 we are selling the marital house and going our separate ways as I couldn't face retirement and another thirty years trapped with him. Could you do another 40 with yours?

BrainWontWorkAnymore · 04/01/2025 12:50

If you’re not married, are you sorted financially with the house? Are you on the deeds? Are you tenants in common? Are you joint tenants? Could you buy him out? Could you afford a mortgage on your own?

Pixiedust1234 · 04/01/2025 12:52

Oh good point regarding finances. Are you equal?

Everleigh13 · 04/01/2025 13:02

Otter2108 · 04/01/2025 11:52

I have previously challenged him, there's always an excuse. "I've got the house to do, I've got golf championship". We bicker but i dont like conflict, it beings back sad memories from my childhood so i just go with it.

He says he has no interest in softplay, he has no interest of watching a chick flick at the cinema etc. The only thing he's happy to do is get some snacks and we sit and watch netflix. I've watched everything and bored so I end up going to bed early, he's moaned about that so I've said to him recently 'take me out then' to which he had an excuse.

Show quote history

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It strikes me that he is getting away with a lot because you don’t like conflict. You are doing everything and he suits himself. I know this probably isn’t helpful but if my husband was doing this to me I would be telling him that it isn’t acceptable to leave everything to me. When you’re a parent you can’t just decide you aren’t interested in soft play / family life / school events etc and only do things that interest you and I would tell him that in no uncertain terms. He is being colossally selfish.

AlertCat · 04/01/2025 13:10

So picture your life in different ways. Maybe write things down or draw a picture.
could you find other sources of joy while you stay with him, such as a passion for a hobby or vocation? live with him, but get your fulfilment elsewhere (not an affair!).
If the answer to that is no, can you bear the thought of your life being as it is now, for the next 20-40 years?

Or, what would life look like if you ended the relationship? Compare the two visions. Which one is more appealing? It would be hard in the short term, but it might free you to be who you want to be now. Sometimes, it’s kinder overall to cause short-term pain if the medium and long term gains are good.

Original poster
Otter2108 · 04/01/2025 14:05

BrainWontWorkAnymore · 04/01/2025 12:50

If you’re not married, are you sorted financially with the house? Are you on the deeds? Are you tenants in common? Are you joint tenants? Could you buy him out? Could you afford a mortgage on your own?

Hi yes, I'm on the deeds and I think it was tenants in common. Neither of us would be able to buy the other out. It would have to be sell. I'd also need to move nearer my family for all other support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Otter2108 · 04/01/2025 14:10

PosiePetal · 04/01/2025 12:27

I think you need to tell your partner exactly how you feel. That you are not fulfilled by the relationship. Maybe move out for a bit to think about what you both really want.

You don’t need a new relationship (yet) but I think you need time to very carefully consider your future. Also, lots of people who have affairs aren't the ‘type’ to have an affair. It does sound as though the guy at work has made you question your happiness in your current relationship and this can be how affairs start. I think you are being incredibly careful to not think of it that way but why mention him at all? Take your time to think very honestly about what it is you really want. If you can confide in a family member, do.

We just have very similar outlook on life and get on very well. He has made me a little but braver than I was previously, I've had these thoughts for circa 2 years and I've been talking to my friend at work for roughly a month about my personal circumstances.

I wouldn't have an affair.

OP posts:
MamaBanana12 · 04/01/2025 14:16

I'm surprised that not many (if any?) previous comments have said to sit down with your partner and talk about how you feel?
Talk about what's missing, how to get some spark/fun in the relationship?
Do you have date nights regularly? If not, start, get out and do fun stuff together.
But I'd be hesitant to walk away if you've not sat down and had a serious chat about how you are feeling, rather than telling the guy at work. Tell the guy at home how you feel and see what you both can do together to fix it. If you try and you any, then you can walk away your head high knowing you've done all you can do.

MamaBanana12 · 04/01/2025 14:17

But you do have to be brave or really you are both just wasting your lives and that really isn't right for either of you.

PeachyKeane · 04/01/2025 14:20

Pixiedust1234 · 04/01/2025 12:49

This is your future and your gut is telling you loud and clear that you don't want it.

So start thinking seriously of what you DO want it to look like, then start looking at ways to make it happen. If you want him more involved would he consider counselling/mediation so you can explain it better? But ultimately you cannot make another person change, you can only change yourself, and if that doesn't give you your new future could you continue this life for another forty years? When you are both retired with less money, poorer health, stuck in the house together...

I met my stbx when I was 18. At the age of 58 we are selling the marital house and going our separate ways as I couldn't face retirement and another thirty years trapped with him. Could you do another 40 with yours?

Show quote history

This is me too except I was 54 by the time I managed to end it.

I'm happy on my own, with my friends and thriving social life. I can do as I please, it feels very liberating.

I also feel like there is a possibility of happiness in my future with someone more similar and loving, whereas before there wasn't.