I'm looking for advice as there's no one I can trust or any friends I can talk to.
I've been with my partner for 19yrs, got with him when I was 19 and he was 23. We moved in together when I was 21 and brought a lovely house. We had 12yrs of just us before we had our first child and then the 2nd came along shortly after.
He's a lovely man and has been a great provider for me and the kids. I say he's lovely as in we've never argued an never any cheating.
Recently my sister got married and at the wedding (as all weddings) we were asked when are we getting married, I laugh it off and say oh we'll elope one day and just do it. He also says the same. He's never wanted marriage, I did for a little while but soon got over it with other things coming up in our life such as big holidays, buying a new house, kids, job changes etc.
Since the wedding it's really dawned on me I never want to marry him. I'm very lonely and would describe myself as a single mother but in relationship. I do everything on my own, days out with kids, school events, never go out together, cinema on my own, never go out as a family and when we do hes not engaging and kills the mood. I've even had 2 holidays with the kids without him. I have no real good friends. He plays golf a lot so weekends are lonely.
We've just moved house, bigger mortgage and being renovated by him so every spare minute is him working or golf.
It's always been this way, even the 10yrs before kids but I didn't mind then as I was young and out with friends a lot.
I earn good money, the same as him and we have a more than comfortable lifestyle.
I've became friends with someone at work who has recently been through similar however there was a lot of arguments and toxicity between them which made it easy to end the relationship. This person, although can get lonely, feels relief and is always doing something exciting and by that I mean meals, cinema trips, camping with kids. It's been an eye opener and I feel I'm missing out on a lot of living.
He does all the school drop offs and I do all the pick ups.
I think he's old school and will stay for the kids, in my mind that's the best option because of our ties as in house, kids.
It's difficult because he's not been 'horrible' as such but just no spark, no interest, just plodding living day by day. I feel we got together too young and just not compatible.
I'm ashamed, im scared, im sad for my children and wouldn't know how to approach this convo, I don't know what to do.
Any similar experiences and was the outcome good or bad?