Something seems off - but what?

[Daisyduke99]

Hello everyone, have NC for this.

Been seeing a guy for about 3-4 months now. We always meet up for dinner and drinks. I haven’t been to his place yet, he hasn’t been to mine. He said he believes in building a connection before becoming intimate. He seems to want to take things slowly which is also happy with.

He’s very open with his phone and has shared lots about his life with me. Regularly sends me photos of what he’s doing, photos with his family etc.

But there are times when I won’t hear from him for two (sometimes three) days. It’s not often, just occasional, but I can’t help but find it a little off that his communication drops like this. I really don’t believe that he’s cheating or being shady - except this does niggle me somewhat!

Do you think it’s likely this could be a sign that something isn’t right? He seems very invested, bar the occasional dip in communication.

I intend to address this with him as I don’t like the anxious feeling it gives me. Just wondered if anyone else has experienced similar - did it reveal anything untoward?

Thanks in advance for reading.

I'd guess he goes off on a drug/alcohol binge or has a (long distance?) partner.

After 3 or 4 months you are very much in the honeymoon period and should be snagging like rabbits. What you have is a friendship currently and not a relationship.

He either has a double life, sees you only as a friend. Or is asexual. Not sure which of these three is worse tbh.

But I’d either ask him where he sees the relationship going or do a slow fade.

Is he intimate at all with you? As in kissing, handholding, general interested body language like stroking your leg?

How old are you? How old is he?
What prior relationships has he had?
Are you flirty? Is there touching, kissing, suggestive conversations?

It's hard to tell really. How do you feel? Do you want things to be more intimate?
I think sometimes people can dip out of they have stressful jobs, big hobbies, does he go for days away with friends, is it always particular days he goes quiet.

Maybe next time he dips out you can casually ask.

Generally I'd think that is a mad question. Because why on earth would you need to be in contact with someone every day? Or even every second day? He's not even your boyfriend or best mate. Just a guy you're seeing.

BUT, deviations from the normal pattern - can be indicative of something going on. And we have gut instincts for a reason.

We’re both early forties. He hasn’t had many long term relationships. He tends to go quiet for a couple of days after a date. But he did ask me to message him when I got home, which I did. Then nothing - and that is weird, he’d usually respond and we’d exchange a few messages back and forth.

I don’t expect daily contact, and we do sometimes go a couple of days without communication. It’s bothering me this time because I expected a response by now.

Id like things to progress, I was under the impression he wanted the same. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see if/when he gets in touch.

Thanks everyone for your insights.

He said he believes in building a connection before becoming intimate.

Does a connection take 3/4 months?

Have you tried messaging when he goes quiet? Does he just ignore or you haven't tried?
Either he's got severe anxiety about starting a relationship or he's just interested just stringing you along, all you can do is have a conversation about how you're feeling and where it's going.

Maybe he's got ED but doesn't want to say?

Your relationship isn’t progressing. You’re still in the same places you were for the first 2/3 dates.

And I’m a slow burn who needs a connection before having sex but OMG I’d be tearing my hair out after 3/4 months! Building a connection before intimacy I would say you’d know after a month, it wouldn’t need 3 times that.

Hes stringing you along but why - who knows?

Maybe he has a wife and kids at his house that you apparently have zero access to.

You can't accurately second-guess the reasons.

If it's not sitting right with you, then (sorry if this is blunt) you should do something to clarify the situation for your own peace of mind.
Strikes me that it'll be leave it and move on or have a friendship that may never be more than that - which may not be what you set out for, but really isn't so awful.

Personally, it’s probably best to mirror his actions. If he doesnt reply for days (and you’re not sure why - it could be for any reason) then just do the same back.

if he’s interested he’ll notice and make more effort.

I always think that in these situations, the most obvious answer is probably why. So either he is a) not crazy about dating you b) he has another partner / is interested in someone else c) has an addiction problem d) has a busy job and gets his mind taken somewhere else on a regular basis e) likes being on his own / not having anyone invade his personal emotional space. For any of the above situations, it's not worth your time and I would say probably time to move on. At this point in the dating process he should be pretty keen and you should know how he feels.

3-4 months on and no sex? That's not taking it slow, that's something else going on. And him then disappearing after dates. 3-4 months is more than enough to know if you have connection/chemistry/something with another person so him still not being sure is an issue and you cannot keep ignoring it. Time for a very frank convo about you two.

It’s not just about what he wants though is it? I’d invite him over and see if he’s brave enough. If he makes an excuse I think you know he may have another family situation somewhere. I think you have been very patient!

Unless he's very religious, I'd be suspecting there's some sort of sexual issue.

I knew someone like this, and we got on really well, but when I wasn’t there it was definitely a question of out of sight out of mind.

He’d been single for a very very long time, and I think he was very used to his own company.

In the end the extended quiet periods resulted in the end of the relationship for me.

Everything is a balance, and I’m not interested in excessive communication, but he went way beyond it and it didn’t feel right to me.

I wonder if he is a “moral” cheater. One who doesn’t see himself as cheating because there’s no sex.

This.

Some people are very self sufficient, and can hyper focus. I had a similar relationship and after about ten days he got in touch shocked at the number of days it had been. I’d echoed his energy.

He genuinely enjoyed our relationship, but equally didn’t notice the passing of time or crave my presence. I wanted more than that.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I sent a follow up message, still nothing. I think tbh I’m now being ghosted!

He’s always been super affectionate when we’ve met up. He planned a NYE dinner and it all just seemed to be going in the right sort of direction.. the radio silence since then has been really upsetting.

I think pp who have said he’s in a relationship are probably right. I thought I was good at spotting the signs but clearly not.

Anyway thanks everyone for your feedback, really appreciate it.

Tbh this what I was thinking. Wants you emotionally invested before finding out so you'll be more likely to stay and put up with it.

I didn’t get that impression, but I suppose it’s a possibility. Still doesn’t explain the weird silence though.

A lot of people are ill at the moment with these viruses that are going round, it could be that but you have to wait to see if he gets back in touch, really, don't you?

He sounds perfect....for me 😂

I go quiet after having been out, social battery is drained and I said everything I wanted to say when I saw them.

If I was you however I'd start looking elsewhere, I assume you haven't said you're exclusive so you're still free to date other people, and treat him as one of your friends who you see occasionally.