DH overreaction or is this a me problem?

[Badgergirl123]

I'll try and keep it brief, not sure if I'm just emotional from illness and tiredness! Since NYE we have both been ill and trying to manage DS (5) as we have no local help. He has always been a great dad and I have no complaints there. I grew up in poverty and with DV - it was an awful time - and never had any housing security or a safe place to call home until I was 23. DH has never been in this position. I do a lot of our life admin, he manages the payments for our mortgage and utility bills. Except this month he didn't and there wasn't enough in the account to cover the mortgage payment. This wasn't caused by lack of funds, he just hadn't shifted money about as he usually does. This is the first time something like this has happened with our mortgage, but he has lots of form for admin errors and general forgetfulness. I did bring this up very soon after he woke up, having been alerted to the missed payment by text and email at 5am. I was anxious and a bit cross admittedly, but he accused me of being venomous with him then told me I was a bitch. He threatened to leave at one point also. I don't think any of this was justified. Was I being massively unreasonable? I know I'm touchy on things like this given I crave security, but most people would be cross, wouldn't they? To risk a missed payment and credit issues? I feel like I'm going mad!!

Sounds like an overreaction on both sides. He forgot something in a period when everything’s out of routine and you’re both ill. No need to be angry, but no need for him to call you names.

he's attacking you as he knows he's wrong.

Nobody can comment with any meaning as we have no idea what you said or how you said it.

Both in the wrong.

But also in 2025, paying mortgage and moving money around can be automated. There is no reason to be doing this every month.

Name calling is never ok. Everyone gets cross at their partner from time to time; rationally and irrationally, but it’s never ok to cross the line and swear or call each other names.

I think you need to have a good chat about how you manage arguments and what can and cannot be said.

His words do sound very extreme. I think most people would be annoyed at that. **

If this is a one off then I chalk it down to him having been ill.

I understand about your need for security and with your childhood experience I think this is perfectly natural.

i would suggest two things.

Implement some kind of plan that can stop this happening again - perhaps a standing order from his account. Perhaps offer to do this, as failure is so triggering for you. You mention other admin errors he makes - maybe you should both play to your strengths and reallocate tasks in the relationship.

The second thing is to explain that although he doesn’t have the same feelings as you about this sort of thing, you are still allowed to have those feelings.

Often an argument comes about because the solution to the problem gets lost while a couple get caught up in blame shifting. Your timing wasn’t the best, but I understand why you were panicked.

I read once that sometimes it is better to be kind than right. I believe in this, however my ex husband used it to bully me so it’s not always the best thing to do.

A relationship isn’t always about not arguing. It’s how you find solutions and compromises that are fair when you do argue.

What does "a bit cross" look like?

Name calling is not ok but seems like you were both overreacting to a non issue. The payment wasn't missed, the bank make a second attempt later on so the money just needed moving.

All I said was that we've missed our payment, that I had transferred the funds from my savings in the hope they will attempt payment again, and that I was really worried about any consequences of a late penalty just before we remortgage. I felt more anxious than angry - I freely admit I have sky high anxiety at times.

The mortgage provider confirmed that they only try and take payment once - I know it is common now for a second attempt to be made but this wasn't the case for us.

he accused me of being venomous with him then told me I was a bitch. He threatened to leave at one point also

This is abusive. I would not be putting up with this.

Call them and make the payment. Should not result in a late payment being noted on the account.

It easy to miss things, I presume you got paid earlier than usual this month? You have both been ill. Probably both stressed and you both overreacted.

As PP said, set up automated payments so that all your bill and mortgage money is automatically transferred to the correct account the day you get paid if you have the facility to do this with your bank - if you don't I would suggest switching to an account where you can do this.

I think you both need to apologise to each other, but one of you will have to make the first move. I would suggest you just apologise for over reacting but point out that he over reacted too and you were both probably a little bit in the wrong.

Most people are not at their greatest when they've just woken up and their partner has been "a bit cross" at them.

Is this a pattern for you OP? or for DH?

Thank you mumsnetters - I think I already have a better handle on all this from the responses so far. We are both tired and emotional and this has heightened my anxiety and his defensiveness, our respective weak points. He has never spoken to me like that before so I'll take my share of the responsibility and we'll move on. Happy new year.

I don't know why @imhalflistening 's comments have been deleted - I found them helpful!

he accused me of being venomous with him then told me I was a bitch. He threatened to leave at one point also.

Keep one eye open OP. If he EVER says this to you again then consider your options. This is not a kind and loving response no matter how ill and stressed he was, the normal response would be "omg, I totally forgot, I'll deal with it after coffee"

The name calling is an overreaction and threatening to leave is bizarre if things are going well generally. I don't think one day late mortgage payment will hurt anyone's credit score. My payments are automatic so I don't see why yours couldn't be too (although I am all at same building society for all accounts).

I think you’ve both overreacted a bit, but if you’re ill and tired that’s normal.

i don’t get the shuffling money around to pay the mortgage though, doing that every month leaves margin for these errors to occur. You need to just have a standard direct debit coming from an account that always has the money ready in.

Thanks @AutumnFroglets , I'm aware it's not okay and will be mindful of this in the future. Literally all I was looking for was a 'sorry I'll sort it' and a bit of reassurance it would all be fine (which it is!).

Have you spoken and he has apologised and transferred the money now

We do have standing orders for these things. He told the mortgage company we would be upping our monthly payments so they amended the collection amount, but he forgot to also up what we transfer into the bills account.

There is a difference between ‘not being at your greatest’ and being insulting as well as threatening to leave though.
Thats a really extreme reaction.
Even taking into account the fact he was ill (and so was the OP)