DH overreaction or is this a me problem?

[Badgergirl123]

I'll try and keep it brief, not sure if I'm just emotional from illness and tiredness! Since NYE we have both been ill and trying to manage DS (5) as we have no local help. He has always been a great dad and I have no complaints there. I grew up in poverty and with DV - it was an awful time - and never had any housing security or a safe place to call home until I was 23. DH has never been in this position. I do a lot of our life admin, he manages the payments for our mortgage and utility bills. Except this month he didn't and there wasn't enough in the account to cover the mortgage payment. This wasn't caused by lack of funds, he just hadn't shifted money about as he usually does. This is the first time something like this has happened with our mortgage, but he has lots of form for admin errors and general forgetfulness. I did bring this up very soon after he woke up, having been alerted to the missed payment by text and email at 5am. I was anxious and a bit cross admittedly, but he accused me of being venomous with him then told me I was a bitch. He threatened to leave at one point also. I don't think any of this was justified. Was I being massively unreasonable? I know I'm touchy on things like this given I crave security, but most people would be cross, wouldn't they? To risk a missed payment and credit issues? I feel like I'm going mad!!

Were you a bit venomous? Name calling isn’t ok but was this a two way argument or did he fly off the handle with little provocation?

That’s still no excuse for calling her names, attacking her character and threatening to leave her. What planet are you on? Fuck sake! Raise the bar! 🙄

OP hasn't explained how "being a bit cross" manifested. I suspect this is six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Which is why I asked about patterns.

As a person who also suffers from anxiety I am aware that when I'm triggered (as OP was here) my own behaviour is not always rationale. So I'm mindful that what OP calls "a bit cross" might well have been more agressive than she intended.
I also think being "a bit cross" at someone just after they've woken up is a pretty poor behaviour, so bar raising needed on both sides.

It doesn’t matter what someone else does, we are each responsible for our own behaviour and calling your partner a bitch, attacking her character and threatening to leave is totally inexcusable and abusive. Threatening ti leave someone who you know has anxiety about being abandoned due to childhood instability in their living arrangements and growing up in poverty is also highly manipulative.

It depends on the overall picture - which we don't have.

Reactive abuse is a thing. If the OP has a pattern of getting triggered and taking out her anger on her DH, then reacting is not necessarily abusive.

Of course DH should not call her names and attack her character. But people do out of character things when provoked. We have no idea if this was or not.

Again, how we behave is entirely determined by us and not by the actions of others. At no point is it excusable to call a partner a bitch, ever. It’s abusive. Was she abusive too? Maybe and that would be wrong but that doesn’t mean his response wasn’t abusive. It was. There’s no excuse for that.

Has he called you names before? People argue about all sorts of things but when your partner calls you a bitch it's a huge red flag. Especially as it has made you doubt yourself - a more appropriate response would be anger and 'don't ever call me names again'. It sounds like there are deeper problems in the relationship dynamic.