Best friend and I no longer speaking :(

[LilyAnn13]

So my friend took some pills and then immediately left everyone goodbye voicemails and texts. She also knew that I had a key to her home so I dashed over there.

She obviously didn´t want to kill herself really, but in the meantime she got everyone so worried. This clearly was some kind of a cry for help, but once I knew that she was ok, I felt angry about what she did and I let her know.

Now, our friendship is over.

I never intended for it to be over, but I was mad with her for what she did and she thinks I´m a terrible person for letting her know that I think that what she did was for attention.

Leave her be.

As someone who has attempted then i would have leVe her be for now.

Just be glad she's alive and not talking to you than not be here at all

No matter what, in that moment she needed support. Unless there's some mad dripfeed coming your reaction was bad, really bad.

Gently op, you were wrong to go about this in that way.

Your friend clearly needs support and not derision right now.

You're understandably upset, but your friend is in a seriously unwell state and needs kindness. Apologise and explain, you may find she calms down and comes round.

what a distressing situation. it's normal to be angry, I think, when you feel panicked and helpless. the 'attention' bit will have been hard for her to hear though as she probably still felt very desperate at the time, so maybe found this dismissive. Perhaps try to explain this and apologise for that part.

Good luck.

How long ago was this? How soon after the event did you tell her you felt angry? I think it’s reasonable to feel angry with somebody after an attempt to end their lives and I also appreciate ‘cry for help’ type attempts will bring up more feelings of anger as they feel so manipulative. I say this as somebody who has made similar cries for help in the past, Obviously your friend was struggling and was looking for support in the moment and will be upset in the moment, however equally you are entitled to feel shocked and angry.

There is a lot of stigma around acts of self-harm or ‘attempts’ that clearly aren’t intended to work being for attention, even though often it is true. Your friend is likely angry for being called out, she wanted attention and sympathy and that wasn’t what she received. It probably wasn’t what she needed in the moment either, however it is manipulative to try and get the care you want through acts like these. Again, I say that as somebody who has done it in the past. Obviously in the moment the person isn’t recognising they’re being manipulative, you do have to be in some quite considerable mental distress to harm yourself, even if she wasn’t trying to die she was taking a huge risk with her health and harming herself which shows she wasn’t okay and does need help and support. On the other hand, it’s reasonable for you not to feel able or willing to give that help and support.

Do you want to rekindle the friendship or do you think it is probably best that you leave it?

I never intended for it to be over, but I was mad with her for what she did and she thinks I´m a terrible person for letting her know that I think that what she did was for attention.

What outcome were you hoping for when you told her how angry you were?

She felt terrible enough to attempt to take her own life or at least risk that outcome, and you thought it'd be a good time to make her feel like shit??

I know someone who had many, many suicide attempts over a span of a few years. None, thankfully, were successful. They obviously were 'for attention' in a way - a way to express how difficult a time she was having, and how few options she felt she had. That's not something I could imagine being angry at her for (and wouldn't in a million years have said so to her face).

You're not wrong for having strong emotions about it: it's stressful and emotional and scary for you, too. But the last person in the entire world you should have been complaining about it to is the person who felt unhappy enough to be there in the first place. I'm not surprised she's not your friend any more.

Ultimately it’s your life and her life. I would just leave it.

It takes a very special person to stand by someone who will make multiple attempts on their life. I have done this, they did die young but not from suicide. I was put through hell with their behaviour,

I’m so glad @MolkosTeenageAngst and @CharSiu can see your point of view. I think I’d be angry too. It’s a natural response when you discover something that had caused intense fear was fake.

That’s not to say that the emotions that prompt a cry for help suicide threat are fake, only the actual attempt. But the fear and anguish felt while trying to get to the person in time is very real and can’t always be immediately adjusted to relief and sympathy.

I hope your friend will forgive you and if she can get treatment will at some point at least acknowledge how what she did impacted her friends

With respect, unless you know for sure/it was incontravertibly evident that "She obviously didn´t want to (end her own life) really, this is an extremely dangerous statement to make, societally never mind expressing it to your friend.

Enough others have pointed out that, even if this was the case, to even be in a place where you're doing this for attention/ a cry for help is bad enough. Any outcome which isolates her further from people who care about her is less than ideal.

You're fully entitled to be angry - it's a terrible shock for you even without this frustration, especially if, as a couple of others have said, this is a pattern of behaviour. It's really, really hard to be around this happening. I experienced it and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But - and especially if this is the first time something like this has happened, my perspective would be that this cannot be the right time to express that anger. This is something that I fully acknowledge comes from a place of my own personal experience and pain, but my gut reaction was that you should feel relieved at the prospect that this was 'only' a cry for help/attention. I would give anything to be in your shoes and have another opportunity to get my loved one, who ultimately, in the end, completed his attempt, the help he needed. I don't for a minute mean to minimise your feelings, but unfortunately this is one of those times when - justly or unjustly - you need to find a different outlet for your frustrations and for sharing the valid trauma.

My advice would be to (via a third party if it's not possible to have direct contact with her), apologise and explain that your reaction came from fear and distress at the thought of what might have transpired and the prospect of losing her. From there, it's imperative that those who care about her are able to support her in taking the first steps towards getting the help she needs.

Here are some links which might be helpful. I wish you all the best.

https://www.thecalmzone.net/how-to-help-someone-whos-feeling-suicidal

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/supporting-someone-after-a-suicide-attempt/

https://www.papyrus-uk.org/support-after-suicide-attempt/

There is more to this story.
She was very upset prior, about a break up with her boyfriend. She had upset him very badly to the point that she thought he would never speak to her again.
The "suicide" attempt however, got his attention and he was nice to her then and she seemed happier because then they were back together.
So I felt angry that she had got everyone worried sick in order to make things better with him.

And how many people have died from suicide due to break ups? So you can only kill yourself if it’s not break up related?
Sorry but you were awful, where’s your compassion?

In the event that you do continue the friendship (if that’s right for both you & friend) I can recommend this online training for how to assist when someone expresses suicidal thoughts (without taking on too much responsibility yourself). It’s free, takes 20 minutes & gives a quick guide on what to say & do.

www.zerosuicidealliance.com/suicide-awareness-training

This is a very complex problem and it needs professional specific expertise to address.

A fake suicide attempt is a cry for help that should be handled sensitively.

If a person wishes to end their life they will do so in a way from which there is no going back.

A staged suicide attempt where the person knows they will be discovered and saved is not the same thing but still needs careful handling which most of us are not capable of.

Don't blame yourself or judge her. Just help her to access the services that are trained to address this problem.

If you are being blamed for her problems then you must detach for the sake of your own mental health

I think you're too attached to your narrative that she's done this to get her boyfriend to be nicer to her: "I felt angry that she had got everyone worried sick in order to make things better with him."

It is not a healthy or self-caring reaction to attempt suicide in response to relationship problems. Whatever is going on for her, your friend is unwell.

I do understand the anger; I've lost a friend to suicide. But you are oversimplifying to the point that you're blinding yourself to what's actually going on, focusing on your anger and insisting you're right about her reasons. Even if she did do this to try and get her boyfriend back, that's STILL deeply worrying and unsafe behaviour.

I think you acted the way you did for a reason probably because you were scared. But she may be angry that you prevented her doing it. I hope she is getting the help she needed. But it also sounds traumatic for you. Could you consider therapy op?

Attention seeking as a phrase can cue a lot of reactions for people, connection seeking could be a better way to frame it.

As others have said, take some time and perhaps you can find your way back to a friendship.

You were the best friend ever trying to save her.
You messed up her drama. I'd leave this friendship.

I had a friend like this. I totally get your anger. I did have to completely cut her out of my life. She was a black hole. Literally zero empathy. Completely focused on whatever man she was fixated on.
PP don't understand.
You are allowed your reactions. Threatening suicide doesn't get to eclipse everyone else's feelings. You did the right thing immediately taking it seriously and getting her help. You should always take it seriously. But you are totally correct to state your feelings afterwards. You arent a mental health professional you are her friend.. and you feel used. A pawn in her game with her boyfriend. It's absolutely valid to not tolerate that abd to let her know the impact it had on you.

And if this wee a man treating suicide because his partner left him in order to manipulate her into returning you would all immediately see it for the emotional abuse that it is.

Always take threats of suicide seriously. Always phone the emergency services.. but if you know this person very well and you feel manipulated and like they are using threats of suicide yo control the situation you are well within your rights to point that out.

Of course she has some mental health issue to be behaving like this even if she never really intended to harm herself.
But mental health issues are not an excuse to be abusive.
She needs professional help.
She doesn't need her friend to allow her to use her without any push back.

Perhaps this isn't a healthy friendship for either of you to pursue, at least not currently. You obviously have very strong feelings about this incident that she's not currently equipped to help you with or to respond to in a constructive way, and it doesn't seem you're equipped to deal with what's going on with her feelings either. That doesn't necessarily mean anyone is to blame. Your mental health matters too, but being dismissed as an attention seeker could be incredibly dangerous for her at this juncture. Sometimes the healthiest thing for everyone is a bit of distance.

Feeling anger towards someone who commits suicide is completely normal, whether they succeed or not, and I would even guess that most people feel at least some anger if someone close to them dies in this way.

It wasn't very diplomatic of you to voice that feeling to your friend and she is now pissed off, but it was a completely normal and reasonable way for you to feel.

It's a terrifying and devastating thing for you to have gone through and you must have felt an overwhelming level of fear. If you then decided that it wasn't even real and she was just fucking with you, and she did it for what seems like a really trivial reason, no wonder you were furious.

I don't have a fix for your friendship I'm afraid, I just wanted to say that all the people saying variations of ' that's not very supportive' , they must all be perfect people who never experience any emotion and never say the wrong thing.

You stepped up for your friend when it really mattered. It doesn't get more supportive than rushing across town to save someone's life, so all those people saying ' you should have been more supportive ' can bugger off. However, I can also see why she's cross about what you may have said.

Maybe read around some therapy and advice about suicide, and family of suicide to make sense of your own feelings and it might help you feel a bit kinder and more understanding towards your friend as well. Personally, I don't believe the 'its a cry for help to get attention' theory about suicide attempts, even crap ones where you don't take enough pills. I think doing that means she was genuinely in a really bad place and couldn't cope, and all suicide attempts should be taken seriously.

Beyond apologising , waiting, ( and maybe pointing out that you did rush over to save her life), there's not a lot you can do.

So you're angry with her for crying out for help in her desperation? Or are you angry with her for not finishing the job? Because although I'm sure that's not what you meant, that's how you've made it sound by being angry with her for "she obviously didn't want to kill herself really"

Speaking as someone with mental health issues myself I think you are perfectly entitled to say how angry this behaviour made you feel.
You did the right thing by her in providing emergency help to make sure she was ok.
After that if you feel manipulated then it is fine to direct her to health services and walk away.
Just because someone has mental health issues (if indeed this person does, because threatening suicide and arranging to be found in a dramatic fashion does not a diagnosis make) doesn’t trump your rights to set your own boundaries.
I have been very close to suicide twice in my life and never have I tried to make a drama and put emotional pressure on my friends. In fact only one of them actually knows about the time I went out planning to do it as she found me by sheer chance and I then accessed mental health services. My friends are not supposed to be my carers, nor would I ever want anyone to feel they were in any way responsible for my safety.

It would have been helpful to have this context in your OP!