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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Best friend and I no longer speaking :(

36 replies

LilyAnn13 · 03/01/2025 12:32

So my friend took some pills and then immediately left everyone goodbye voicemails and texts. She also knew that I had a key to her home so I dashed over there.

She obviously didn´t want to kill herself really, but in the meantime she got everyone so worried. This clearly was some kind of a cry for help, but once I knew that she was ok, I felt angry about what she did and I let her know.

Now, our friendship is over.

I never intended for it to be over, but I was mad with her for what she did and she thinks I´m a terrible person for letting her know that I think that what she did was for attention.

OP posts:

Dcbjgfdh · 04/01/2025 00:33

By “took some pills”, do you mean one or 2 over the recommended amount so it was near impossible for them to harm her badly, or an entire packet and she was lucky she was found?
Other peoples Mental health is a tricky thing to navigate and you don’t sound cut out for dealing with it, and that’s ok. You were unlikely to get a different reaction from her by saying what you said. No matter what her intentions, it was a cry for help.
You think she made the attempt for attention and she probably thinks you are an unsympathetic cow. It’ life. You have both made your minds up about each other it seems.

Owly11 · 04/01/2025 07:15

More info is needed - had she taken pills? Because presumably she would have needed hospital attention if she had. If she hadn't taken any then I can really understand you being angry. She has to learn that there are consequences to her behaviour otherwise she will do this over and over again and it isn't fair to her bf or those around her. I think you can be hugely empathic about how distressed she was but also make it clear that she will get a more supportive response if she expresses her feelings rather than acting them out. Does she have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder? The reason I ask is that people with that diagnosis can be triggered into very painful states when someone leaves them and it sounds like her bf breaking up with her was the trigger.

Paperdolly · 04/01/2025 07:36

Thatcastlethere · 03/01/2025 23:11

I had a friend like this. I totally get your anger. I did have to completely cut her out of my life. She was a black hole. Literally zero empathy. Completely focused on whatever man she was fixated on.
PP don't understand.
You are allowed your reactions. Threatening suicide doesn't get to eclipse everyone else's feelings. You did the right thing immediately taking it seriously and getting her help. You should always take it seriously. But you are totally correct to state your feelings afterwards. You arent a mental health professional you are her friend.. and you feel used. A pawn in her game with her boyfriend. It's absolutely valid to not tolerate that abd to let her know the impact it had on you.

And if this wee a man treating suicide because his partner left him in order to manipulate her into returning you would all immediately see it for the emotional abuse that it is.

Always take threats of suicide seriously. Always phone the emergency services.. but if you know this person very well and you feel manipulated and like they are using threats of suicide yo control the situation you are well within your rights to point that out.

Of course she has some mental health issue to be behaving like this even if she never really intended to harm herself.
But mental health issues are not an excuse to be abusive.
She needs professional help.
She doesn't need her friend to allow her to use her without any push back.

Show quote history

Exactly this! Don’t beat yourself up OP. A friend who is allowed to have her own genuine reaction; not a professional.

i wish you were my friend.
.

Quinto · 04/01/2025 07:41

GreetingCeridwen · 03/01/2025 23:20

Perhaps this isn't a healthy friendship for either of you to pursue, at least not currently. You obviously have very strong feelings about this incident that she's not currently equipped to help you with or to respond to in a constructive way, and it doesn't seem you're equipped to deal with what's going on with her feelings either. That doesn't necessarily mean anyone is to blame. Your mental health matters too, but being dismissed as an attention seeker could be incredibly dangerous for her at this juncture. Sometimes the healthiest thing for everyone is a bit of distance.

I think this is fair advice.

ThejoyofNC · 04/01/2025 07:45

I couldn't forgive someone for that. The emotions you must have felt whilst rushing over to your friend would be unbearable, and yet it was just a desperate attempt to get her boyfriend back. It's sickening.

Woodworm2020 · 04/01/2025 08:18

In this moment she needed your support, not your anger. Your feelings are totally justified but at this time she isn’t robust enough to take them on board. Would you consider reaching out to her with an apology for your reaction and a further explanation - I imagine your feelings are rooted in being scared of losing her? Unless you really think she is an attention seeker? In this case, some distance is probably better for both of you.

unmemorableusername · 04/01/2025 09:02

Geez show some compassion!

StampOnTheGround · 04/01/2025 09:13

I could have written similar a few years ago OP, do not let people tell you your anger was completely unjustified. I was furious too, it's natural and we also have to protect our own feelings. That day messed me up for a long time.

She is still one of my best friends, and she was apologising to me for putting me through it - we've probably been more distant than we were before but we didn't fall out.

Chocolateteapot12 · 04/01/2025 09:22

Ariadneefron · 03/01/2025 23:31

Feeling anger towards someone who commits suicide is completely normal, whether they succeed or not, and I would even guess that most people feel at least some anger if someone close to them dies in this way.

It wasn't very diplomatic of you to voice that feeling to your friend and she is now pissed off, but it was a completely normal and reasonable way for you to feel.

It's a terrifying and devastating thing for you to have gone through and you must have felt an overwhelming level of fear. If you then decided that it wasn't even real and she was just fucking with you, and she did it for what seems like a really trivial reason, no wonder you were furious.

I don't have a fix for your friendship I'm afraid, I just wanted to say that all the people saying variations of ' that's not very supportive' , they must all be perfect people who never experience any emotion and never say the wrong thing.

You stepped up for your friend when it really mattered. It doesn't get more supportive than rushing across town to save someone's life, so all those people saying ' you should have been more supportive ' can bugger off. However, I can also see why she's cross about what you may have said.

Maybe read around some therapy and advice about suicide, and family of suicide to make sense of your own feelings and it might help you feel a bit kinder and more understanding towards your friend as well. Personally, I don't believe the 'its a cry for help to get attention' theory about suicide attempts, even crap ones where you don't take enough pills. I think doing that means she was genuinely in a really bad place and couldn't cope, and all suicide attempts should be taken seriously.

Beyond apologising , waiting, ( and maybe pointing out that you did rush over to save her life), there's not a lot you can do.

Please don’t use the term ‘commits’ suicide. It’s antiquated and offensive as it implies a crime has taken place. My husband died by suicide 4 months ago.

ThejoyofNC · 04/01/2025 10:26

Chocolateteapot12 · 04/01/2025 09:22

Please don’t use the term ‘commits’ suicide. It’s antiquated and offensive as it implies a crime has taken place. My husband died by suicide 4 months ago.

Show quote history

Sorry to hear that but you can't police other people's language.

Ariadneefron · 04/01/2025 12:28

@Chocolateteapot12

I'm so sorry for your recent loss. I have had a number of people very close to me kill themselves over the years, including a boyfriend, and it is very hard.

I have heard the argument you make about this phrase before. I do not agree.

To commit, in the English language, means to do something serious, permanently binding, or wrong. Two of those certainly apply, the third is debatable. To commit does not only mean something illegal. That is merely one of its meanings. You also commit to love, to a contractual agreement, you commit resources and you commit to do a specific thing. It is a synonym for a promise. Therefore this word has multiple meanings, several of which apply, as well as the one you dislike.

I'm sorry if its use offends you but it conveys meaning that is correct to the situation. I don't think your loss adds weight to your argument any more than my losses add weight to mine.

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