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Original poster

Youngest son

37 replies

Pennyhousewife67 · 03/01/2025 08:07

What would you do if your youngest son who is 10 came up to you and told you that his dad your husband is seeing another woman behind your back

OP posts:
Weyohweyoh · 03/01/2025 08:16

I’d ask him how he knows that, get as much information as possible and then confront my husband. If I just suspected myself, I’d watch and wait but since your child is involved already I wouldn’t want him to have to continue with any deceit or subterfuge. I’d want this out in the open straight away to protect my child as much as possible. It’s a horrible situation though, hope you’re ok.

Original poster
Pennyhousewife67 · 03/01/2025 08:21

Weyohweyoh · 03/01/2025 08:16

I’d ask him how he knows that, get as much information as possible and then confront my husband. If I just suspected myself, I’d watch and wait but since your child is involved already I wouldn’t want him to have to continue with any deceit or subterfuge. I’d want this out in the open straight away to protect my child as much as possible. It’s a horrible situation though, hope you’re ok.

He saw him kissing her and holding her hands

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 03/01/2025 08:23

Your poor child. What a hell of a shock for him and an awful responsibility having to tell you.

Weyohweyoh · 03/01/2025 08:26

In that case I’d confront him, probably whilst handing him a packed bag. I’m guessing he’ll probably try and make out your boy is mistaken or lying, since he’s already proven what a monumental shit he is by cheating on you. Protect your son.

Original poster
Pennyhousewife67 · 03/01/2025 08:32

I know my poor son we have got 4 children together and he said that the older 3 where with them too so I asked them and they denied it

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 03/01/2025 08:36

Where was your DH meant to be when this supposedly happened?

Weyohweyoh · 03/01/2025 08:42

Do you know who she is and did you have any suspicions, or is this out of the blue?

Snowmanscarf · 03/01/2025 09:08

I would snoop. Check his phone. Maybe ask some dh some subtle questions. Eg, if he was supposed to heat work, ask him about it. Look to see if his behaviour has changed - smartened up, phone secrecy etc

2025HereICome · 03/01/2025 09:19

Where was this supposed to have happened and where was your DH supposed to be that day? How old are your older 3? It's strange that they have all denied this happened? Did your 10yr old say that they all saw this too?

Seaoftroubles · 03/01/2025 09:26

You need to tread carefully if the other 3 say it didn't happen. Where were they when his happened and what ages are your other three chidren?

buntybook · 03/01/2025 09:27

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buntybook · 03/01/2025 09:28

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Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2025 09:28

Sounds like he's got the older kids lying for him.

I'd say 'thankyou son for being honest with me. Honesty is very important and I'm really proud of you'. To the others I'd say 'If I find out you all have been lying, I'll be very disappointed. Perhaps you think it's right to protect your dad but - it's wrong to protect a lie. I also have the right to know the truth. In this case, you should have been honest with me. You are not responsible for your dad's choices. Bit you are responsible for your own. And for what sort of people you become. Do you want to be weak people who ignore cruelty and injustices? Or, good people who do the right thing, even when it's hard?'.

To all I'd say 'Your father and I will speak and determine next steps. Know that if we choose to seperate, it's because its the right thing to do. So that we can all find happiness. It might be tough for a bit. But thats better living a lie. Know that you can talk to me about anything moving forwards. But I expect you to strive to be good and honest and brave going forwards. Can you do that?'

BodyKeepingScore · 03/01/2025 09:53

@Pinkbonbon "But I expect you to strive to be good and honest and brave going forwards. Can you do that?' - what a dreadful pressure to put on children!

Lightswitchup · 03/01/2025 10:06

What is the context OP? Where were they, how did they come to witness this (or not) and who is the potential OW? My dd discovered her father’s infidelity and she did tell me but I know she considered keeping it to herself. She was conflicted because of not wanting me to be hurt. I wouldn’t say anything about disappointment in the others in case it turns out they have kept something to themselves for fear of hurting you.

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2025 10:10

BodyKeepingScore · 03/01/2025 09:53

@Pinkbonbon "But I expect you to strive to be good and honest and brave going forwards. Can you do that?' - what a dreadful pressure to put on children!

To try to be good people?
That's the 'pressure' we should all be putting on our kids. Its called raising them right. So long as you acknowledge that it's 'trying' and that no one is perfect.

Cardamomandlemons · 03/01/2025 10:14

If someone was having an affair they'd be mad to do it in front of their four children all over the age of 10. Definitely do more research before going in all guns blazing.

Gem359 · 03/01/2025 10:15

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2025 10:10

To try to be good people?
That's the 'pressure' we should all be putting on our kids. Its called raising them right. So long as you acknowledge that it's 'trying' and that no one is perfect.

Show quote history

It was wrong of their dad to put them in this position in the first place, the issue is with him and that's where it should stay. The other kids shouldn't even have been asked about it as it puts them in a terrible position - they might be terrified of the fall out/the family splitting up/dad being angry with them.

You need to sort this out with your DH OP and leave the kids out of it from this point on.

Lightswitchup · 03/01/2025 10:25

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2025 10:10

To try to be good people?
That's the 'pressure' we should all be putting on our kids. Its called raising them right. So long as you acknowledge that it's 'trying' and that no one is perfect.

Show quote history

But the issue here is that these kids could be completely traumatised if they have witnessed something and really be trying to act to protect their mother rather than lie for their father. Their emotional and mental health is the paramount factor. If my dd had chosen not to tell me and I found this out I would have told her I understood because she was in an extremely difficult and conflicted position. Her mental health has been badly affected by it. There is also a tendency to want it not to be true, so denial. It is way more complicated than them ‘lying’.

SmileEachDay · 03/01/2025 10:45

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2025 09:28

Sounds like he's got the older kids lying for him.

I'd say 'thankyou son for being honest with me. Honesty is very important and I'm really proud of you'. To the others I'd say 'If I find out you all have been lying, I'll be very disappointed. Perhaps you think it's right to protect your dad but - it's wrong to protect a lie. I also have the right to know the truth. In this case, you should have been honest with me. You are not responsible for your dad's choices. Bit you are responsible for your own. And for what sort of people you become. Do you want to be weak people who ignore cruelty and injustices? Or, good people who do the right thing, even when it's hard?'.

To all I'd say 'Your father and I will speak and determine next steps. Know that if we choose to seperate, it's because its the right thing to do. So that we can all find happiness. It might be tough for a bit. But thats better living a lie. Know that you can talk to me about anything moving forwards. But I expect you to strive to be good and honest and brave going forwards. Can you do that?'

Edited

Please don’t say any of this to your children. Jesus.

Joelle84 · 03/01/2025 11:11

id believe him. Id also not say anything for the moment and watch everything, see if you get his phone etc get some evidence. Do you know the woman?

Elasticatedtrousers · 03/01/2025 11:21

I'd believe him and dig deeper.

I'm so sorry, your poor children.

Orangesinthebag · 03/01/2025 11:27

I'd believe him, why would he make something like that up?

So sorry this is happening to you & your kids. Very poor parenting of your husband to be involving his kids in this kind of thing, it can be very damaging for them.
Don't be angry with your older children for denying it, they just shouldn't be in this position. What a total shit your husband is.

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2025 11:38

Lightswitchup · 03/01/2025 10:25

But the issue here is that these kids could be completely traumatised if they have witnessed something and really be trying to act to protect their mother rather than lie for their father. Their emotional and mental health is the paramount factor. If my dd had chosen not to tell me and I found this out I would have told her I understood because she was in an extremely difficult and conflicted position. Her mental health has been badly affected by it. There is also a tendency to want it not to be true, so denial. It is way more complicated than them ‘lying’.

Show quote history

Of course, that's why you make it clear you understand why they did it but teach them it was the wrong thing to do. You can't expect them to learn otherwise.

It's going to be tough on them moving forwards regardless. There's going to be feelings of guilt all round but especially from the ten year old. That's why you tell them consistently they are not responsible for their dad's mistakes and all that you ask of them is that they try to do what's right for their own part. That you understand why they lied but it was wrong. That they are loved but that you want them to grow up into people who try to do what's right even when it's hard.

It's important to consistently reassure them that they are not responsible for your or theur father's choices, that they are loved. But it's also important to teach your children how to differentiate right from wrong, in areas that may feel grey. And that they should never act imorally just because someone else expects then to or asks it of them. So that they don't feel guilt in future about doing the right thing.

smithey85 · 03/01/2025 12:37

I'm really sorry, but this just doesn't add up.

Why would he involve his kids in an affair and openly kiss and touch another woman in front of them? I don't believe anyone would be this stupid.

Why are three of the children giving a different account to your 10 year old?

Does he have a sister? This would explain why the children were with him and it might have been a peck on the cheek to say goodbye rather than a fully blown kiss?