Worst fear about splitting is not having DC all the time

[Eldermillenialyogi]

DH and I have been married almost a decade and we have always had problems. I do most of the parenting and housework, I have always put in more financially, he refused to compromise, he has an anger problem and loses it very easily, he can be nasty and petty. The list could go on. I actually think he's a narcissist. We have never really resolved our issues as he refuses to discuss things and storms off.

He's been especially weird the past couple of weeks and taking it out on me. I'm not a saint but I know I hadn't done anything to deserve it. He does tend to react badly to me being annoyed with him so he's behaved poorly and I've told him it's not acceptable (I've even said we're done at least twice this week I client earlier today) and his reaction is always to push back more and tell me why he's done rather than try to make things right. I don't even think we can make things right because whenever we agree to change things nothing changes. He will agree something but go back on it. He apologised for being rude to me when this recent mood started but then did the same thing when he got home from work.

To get to the point, tonight he's said he's done, our relationship is toxic and we need to split up. Prior to that he said something less set on splitting up but I think I reaffirmed the idea by saying yes that's a good idea. I am bluffing a bit as I feel like I'm not ready for that even though I think this isn't working. We have young DC and he has said he would want 50/50 care of them. I do most of the parenting, we have a close bond (DH does too but I am the one who always gets up in the night with them, they come to me or I go to them, I make their meals, I buy their clothes). The children would find this difficult but honestly so would I.

I am jumping the gun and I don't know why him saying he wants to separate carries any more weight than me saying it but I am worrying about this now. He is not even used to looking after them for more than half a day at a time (even that is unusual) so he would find it hard but I know he would go for this rather than pay CSM if we split up.

Any advice?

I would prefer to work things out but I don't see how. It feels like things are bad again and it's not good for the children to see us argue. I'm stressed or down all time time as so many of our days start and end with arguments.

I don't have advice but I'm in a similar position to you, I want to leave and know I should but I'm finding it hard to make that final leap and one of the reasons why is the thought of my children having a separate life that has nothing to do with me. I know that they will have that as adults but I didn't have children thinking I would have to share their childhood.

I was where you are this time last year. I was terrified about being away from my kids so I tried to keep the relationship going until I couldn’t any more. I sought legal advice which helped, at least then you know your rights. My solicitor said there is no standard arrangement, it has to be what works for the kids and she also said lots of parents like my exH who took little responsibility for the kids when we were together are unlikely to when you’ve separated. This has been true in my case. Do you think your H could cope with 50:50?

I also have/had the same fears about the child support as you, therefore I don’t take anything from him - I always put more in anyway, like you but was worried how we’d manage without any financial contribution from him, now we’ve separated I can see he took far more out then he ever put in so it’s not as tight as I thought it would be.

No two situations are the same but ours sound similar, I’m only 6 months down the line and we’re not divorced yet so I’m sure there will be twists and turns but now I’ve left him, I don’t think I could go back.

@Needhelptoescape The idea upsets me so much I'm trying not to think about it too much unless we get to that point.

He might cope insofar as he could WFH and do school pick ups and drop offs and I think he would do it so as not to pay maintenance. We earn the same amount (I'd actually earn more if I worked full time) and I know he wouldn't want to give me money. He has another DS who is not mine and so we've paid CSM to their home for the past 15 years and I know he won't want to start again but it is annoying for me and I would rather have my DC with me. I am spend a lot more time with them now so the thought of him taking them just to avoid having to pay me any money really bothers me. If we did do 50/50 it would have to be in short periods such as 1 or 2 nights a time max as I would find it difficult to send them to DH for longer and it would be difficult for DC too.

We're in that horrible period at the moment where we're not getting along at all. We've been here before and always had problems but I feel like I don't want rock the boat so as not to have to deal with separating even though I know I deserve better than the way he treats me.

I would kill for my ex dp to have my dc 50/50.
He talked the talk before we split about sharing the dc, but actually has them very, very little.
It's sad to miss out on parts of their childhood, but it's a shitty reason to ruin your life by staying with him.

How old are your children?

It might be fine when the DC are older but so young it feels like a lot to be away from them. I've had one night away and left them with DH maybe a handful of times (or less) but not longer than that and never left them with anyone else. I've had them on my own for 1-2 weeks on a number of occasions. I'm sure it's nice to have a break sometimes and we'd adjust if needed but the thought is bothering me right now.

He also missed out on having his younger DC when he had them on weekends so that may be part of it but he's always telling me he's tired, too old or just opts out of parenting to play games instead.

It just all feels a bit bad right now because we are not getting along and I think neither of us knows how to make things right but is also so convinced the other person is in the wrong that we are not in a place to resolve things. He's been out most days this week leaving me with the DC and in a way that's good as it's better we're apart but his way of being away is alone whereas I always look after DC except for when he occasionally suggests doing something with DC which feels like a token effort.

So your kids are not that young if at school. Staying together and them living in a toxic environment will do more harm....and they will know even if you think it's hidden
I betting dad finds it too much.

If your children are living in as toxic an environment as you describe, you are both doing them far more harm now than you would if you split up and went 50/50.

So far, it all sounds very woe is me. All about how hard it will be for you being away from them, and how you feel but no acknowledgment of the toxic environment they are living in right now!

Split up, for their sake. This marriage is dead, you will be so much happier alone and the kids will feel that happiness.

@jannier They are 2 and 4 in preschool

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel It may seem a bit woe is me right now but I am thinking of them and that's why I've told him I'm done but I find the thought of being away from them very difficult. I don't think I'm wrong for hoping we can work it out and stay in the same house but I really don't see how to fix any of this.

You're not going to improve the atmosphere together. What's the plan for the wrap around does he think they don't need watching from 3pm and 14 weeks a year?
But you still need to end it for your kids.

I don't know. He's always said we don't need wraparound as we WFH but I don't really want to just sit him in front of the tv from 3-5:30 every day. It's not working at the moment and I have to put my child first but it's hard to end it. We've been together 20 years.

If you think it is best for them to be with you more than 50/50, then you can make the case for that. It is absolutely not a given that the courts (if you got to that point) would award 50/50.

I went through a similar situation but was not working when we split. I fought hard to have the children more than 50/50 but because I believed it was in their best interests. Their father had also never done much in terms of childcare and his wanting 50/50 was also financially motivated. They were also pre-school age when we separated and he was awarded EOW and a midweek tea, plus half the holidays. This increased to an overnight midweek plus Friday afternoons to Monday morning when they were older. They are now teens and unsurprisingly (and sadly) the scales are starting to fall from their eyes as his behaviour (and obsession with money) has not changed in the ten years since.

Do not let your fear of the worst case scenario keep you in the marriage - it is honestly the best decision I could have made for us all. It's okay not to think 50/50 is the correct setup for your family, just make sure you keep focused on what is right for the children when you think about the reasons behind that.

When he says he wants the dc 50/50, agree with him. Tell him it's a good idea as it will give you the opportunity to further your career, spend time with friends, at the gym etc. he'll soon change his tune. Just take a bit of 'holding your nerve' with him.

Thanks @85reasons thats useful to know. When you say half the holidays do you mean they spent half the school holidays with him?

He had my SS on weekends but I work weekdays so he's not having the children every weekend. If he did 50/50 he'd have to do his own shopping too, but their clothes and things they need.

@JustWalkingTheDogs I think this is half my problem. I back down so easily. If you met me you'd be surprised by that but when he's called down I'm so pleased things are normal again I don't want to rock the boat but I know I can't walk on eggshells. I've been saying I want to split but he's not the type who would just move out. He's now saying he wants split too but he's done this before and once he's out of his fog wants to act like nothing's happened but he doesn't take any responsibility.

I'm sure there are things I could do differently but I am definitely not the problem the way he thinks I am. He seems to want to have everything but act like hes a single person living alone with no responsibilities. Sorry I am ranting!

I think I will hold my ground and say yes and fine to 50/50 insofar as we are having casual discussion but if we actually split I think I would fight him for more. Saying that there are things I do in evenings and weekends so we could make it work.

I divorced 2 years ago. I stayed far too long because I wanted to tuck my children into bed every night. They do 50/50 with their dad. Who is a good dad but a terrible human.

Honestly? It's fine. Of course i wish I had them all the time. Of course i miss them and wonder how they are. But they are happy and healthy and not tucking them into bed at night is worth NOT living the misery I lived for years due to fear of the unknown.

I split with my partner when my DD was a baby. It was an incredibly hard decision to imagine being separated from her, especially at that age. My ex is a nasty human being and totally incompetent which made the thought of shared custody just terrible.

However, the thought of my DD growing up to see her dad being rude to her mum, lying profusely without shame and being a lazy arse, without her mum challenging it (in order to 'keep the peace') was too grim to continue.

He threatened 50/50 as a way to get at me. I knew what he was doing and just agreed to test it out. Well, it's been 2 years and he has completely dragged his feet as the reality of doing 50/50 has scared him. He sees DD 1 weekend a month (with me there) and doesn't want to have her more. He is also afraid of me enjoying myself with any extra free time so is quite happy for me to take on all DDs care which suits me just fine.

I'm not sure what will happen to you OP, but we have one life and deserve a bit of happiness and plodding on in a unhappy marriage is not helping anyone, least of all your DC.

It sounds like this may be part of your problem. He will realise you don't trust him as a parent. Perhaps this contributes to the atmosphere at home being so bad? It can make him feel like essentially a third child.

Why not try going away for a whole weekend and leaving him to it. Don't even call. Or get him take both kids away by himself to see his parents or something.

What would he do if you died? He'd need to manage somehow.

They aren't going to drop dead without you fussing over then all the time.

Also: couples counselling.

This.

This 50/50 thing is such a new phenomenon.

It's only so men can avoid child maintenance.

Why don't you suggest no maintenance if he's only EOW?

I don't really understand your reasoning. He has had more time away from them because he's chosen to go away and leave them with me whereas I'd rather not leave them for more than a night. It's not that I've said I'm not going away as I don't trust him although I do have anxiety because one of my children actually did die so I'm sure that plays into it.

Yes I have thought about this.

You can’t use the excuse that you find it hard to be away from your children as a reason to stay in this toxic awful relationship.

That is completely selfish of you and putting your feelings and needs before your children’s.

Do the right thing and put them first.

I'm not being selfish and I'm not saying I'm staying in the relationship. I'm saying I want to end things for my children. I don't want them to witness us arguing constantly you and be in a toxic environment. I'm saying what I find difficult this as I know others will have experienced similar and may be able to offer helpful advice. Is that so difficult to understand?