Why are some people just intense ?

JennyTals · 2025-01-02T23:36:26+00:00

Nature or nurture a bit of both I guess thinking new year, new start and there’s a couple of people I like, care about, but boy are they intense One I know has had a difficult upbringing and family issues so that makes sense I do feel for her other other I’ve no clue

LindtCurves · 02/01/2025 23:55

Intense how?

Treeisdroopingnow · 02/01/2025 23:58

How would you decribe being intense?

Gabitule · 03/01/2025 00:08

I am considered ‘intense’ so I can try to answer your question - although your definition of intense may be different than mine.

I am intense because my feelings and emotions range from 1 to 10, from the depths of despair to ecstasy. For some people their emotions seem to range from a lukewarm 4 to a lukewarm 7. I envy them for not feeling agony but also feel sorry for them for not feeling intense beauty, or intense pleasure.

I am very sensitive, everything touches me. I could say that I am overly sensitive so sometimes I may get upset or sad about things that other people can easily ignore, but I can’t help how I feel. (For example if I read an article about animal cruelty I’m in absolute bits - but this does come from complex childhood trauma about lots of animal neglect and cruelty)

I am intense in my friendships, I have few close friendships but I don’t really have acquaintances, I don’t see the point of anything lukewarm.

I have high standards, I am 100% reliable and I expect the same. Same goes with other traits such as honesty, generosity etc. I am intensely loyal, intensely passionate, but also intensely furious if betrayed.

i don’t know why I am ‘intense’. I just am. I think its more nature than nurture. Actually, I don’t know, I know my feelings were ignored when I was little, as if I didn’t matter, so probably all those upsets and frustrations intensified leading to my current intense personality. I sometimes wish I was more casual and cared less about everything but most of the times I am glad I am the way I am - in my mind the opposite of intensity is a ‘lukewarm’ and ‘can’t be bothered’ attitude.

BeccaS34 · 03/01/2025 00:19

I’m intense and I think it’s partly both

had a bad family and had to be the breadwinner for a while as a kid (long story)

was also a scholarship kid at a Catholic school run by hard ass nuns

I wish I could turn it off, I just can’t. I haven’t even been able to access EMDR for the PTSD. It’s just difficult, I don’t know. I wish I was less intense sometimes

Original poster

JennyTals · 03/01/2025 01:02

Gabitule · 03/01/2025 00:08

I am considered ‘intense’ so I can try to answer your question - although your definition of intense may be different than mine.

I am intense because my feelings and emotions range from 1 to 10, from the depths of despair to ecstasy. For some people their emotions seem to range from a lukewarm 4 to a lukewarm 7. I envy them for not feeling agony but also feel sorry for them for not feeling intense beauty, or intense pleasure.

I am very sensitive, everything touches me. I could say that I am overly sensitive so sometimes I may get upset or sad about things that other people can easily ignore, but I can’t help how I feel. (For example if I read an article about animal cruelty I’m in absolute bits - but this does come from complex childhood trauma about lots of animal neglect and cruelty)

I am intense in my friendships, I have few close friendships but I don’t really have acquaintances, I don’t see the point of anything lukewarm.

I have high standards, I am 100% reliable and I expect the same. Same goes with other traits such as honesty, generosity etc. I am intensely loyal, intensely passionate, but also intensely furious if betrayed.

i don’t know why I am ‘intense’. I just am. I think its more nature than nurture. Actually, I don’t know, I know my feelings were ignored when I was little, as if I didn’t matter, so probably all those upsets and frustrations intensified leading to my current intense personality. I sometimes wish I was more casual and cared less about everything but most of the times I am glad I am the way I am - in my mind the opposite of intensity is a ‘lukewarm’ and ‘can’t be bothered’ attitude.

Edited

Wow that’s a great description, you’ve come along way in accepting yourself

how would you advise me to handle them, just try to fully accept them the way they are ?
ill give you an example
I seem off to them as I’ve been shattered, so I’ve responded the next day, rather then that day
then get questions like are you ok with me etc etc
which for me is intense
but I hear what your saying that they just want to know what’s up
as a bit of a can’t be arsed person at times there’s a couple of people I really care about but I find difficult

OP posts:

Original poster

JennyTals · 03/01/2025 01:04

BeccaS34 · 03/01/2025 00:19

I’m intense and I think it’s partly both

had a bad family and had to be the breadwinner for a while as a kid (long story)

was also a scholarship kid at a Catholic school run by hard ass nuns

I wish I could turn it off, I just can’t. I haven’t even been able to access EMDR for the PTSD. It’s just difficult, I don’t know. I wish I was less intense sometimes

I guess we are sometimes the way we are because we had to, to survive
sounds like you’ve done amazing

im going to take your views on board and be more mindful in how I interact with these two

thank you

OP posts:

Alalalala · 03/01/2025 01:08

It might have helped OP if you’d specified what you meant by intense - which actually just sounds like someone being demanding/needy.

That’s not what @Gabitule was describing (correct me if I’m wrong Gabitule!) which was outlining how it feels to experience life intensely.

blueshoes · 03/01/2025 01:27

OP, you need to give more examples of intense.

The last one was not very 'intense' in the grand scheme of things.

Pipconkermash · 03/01/2025 01:44

Gabitule · 03/01/2025 00:08

I am considered ‘intense’ so I can try to answer your question - although your definition of intense may be different than mine.

I am intense because my feelings and emotions range from 1 to 10, from the depths of despair to ecstasy. For some people their emotions seem to range from a lukewarm 4 to a lukewarm 7. I envy them for not feeling agony but also feel sorry for them for not feeling intense beauty, or intense pleasure.

I am very sensitive, everything touches me. I could say that I am overly sensitive so sometimes I may get upset or sad about things that other people can easily ignore, but I can’t help how I feel. (For example if I read an article about animal cruelty I’m in absolute bits - but this does come from complex childhood trauma about lots of animal neglect and cruelty)

I am intense in my friendships, I have few close friendships but I don’t really have acquaintances, I don’t see the point of anything lukewarm.

I have high standards, I am 100% reliable and I expect the same. Same goes with other traits such as honesty, generosity etc. I am intensely loyal, intensely passionate, but also intensely furious if betrayed.

i don’t know why I am ‘intense’. I just am. I think its more nature than nurture. Actually, I don’t know, I know my feelings were ignored when I was little, as if I didn’t matter, so probably all those upsets and frustrations intensified leading to my current intense personality. I sometimes wish I was more casual and cared less about everything but most of the times I am glad I am the way I am - in my mind the opposite of intensity is a ‘lukewarm’ and ‘can’t be bothered’ attitude.

Edited

😬

Timetoheal4good · 03/01/2025 01:49

OP - I would describe myself as someone who can at times be intense, as in like PP have said, I experience life intensely at times.

However, the example you gave I just wanted to give an alternative view to that. I at times can be someone who takes a while to respond to messages. While everyone can be busy and tired and of course, it's ok to not be available 24/7, someone said to me once that if you regularly read messages and don't respond for a day or two at a time, it isn't necessarily good for your relationships. If you have a can't be arsed attitude all the time, this actually isn't necessarily a positive thing. Do you know what I mean? So felt I had to take that on board. Eventually, people stop caring so much why you didn't reply. It might not be that your friends are intense and they just want to ask why you're being rude but don't want to offend you so they are asking if you're ok instead. Unless there is a lot more to it and only saying this because I've been there.

Oblomov25 · 03/01/2025 02:18

That's not intense, that just selfish and ott and needy. I'd back off.

Wishitwasstraightforward · 03/01/2025 02:19

I'm not absolutely sure what you mean by intense OP- to me it could mean a number of things.

I'm wondering if you're referring someone like me who maybe seems intense in conversation. I can't seem to help it, I hate small talk- I find it tedious. So I probably go in a bit deep when chatting and try to find out what makes someone laugh, or what they love doing.....

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 03/01/2025 02:29

I have a friend who l think is very intense. Everything is so serious with her, can't really have a laugh with her. Always wants to know what l am doing, where l am going etc. If l tell her l have dentist or hairdresser, she makes a mental note of it even if it's not for weeks and on the day says hope it goes ok. Very suffocating.
She was bullied badly at secondary school and had no friends so l wonder if she has never learned how to navigate friendships prior to having her baby therefore clings onto anything you tell her.
I find her exhausting but when she is a little more relaxed, l do really like her.

HilariousNames · 03/01/2025 02:37

BeccaS34 · 03/01/2025 00:19

I’m intense and I think it’s partly both

had a bad family and had to be the breadwinner for a while as a kid (long story)

was also a scholarship kid at a Catholic school run by hard ass nuns

I wish I could turn it off, I just can’t. I haven’t even been able to access EMDR for the PTSD. It’s just difficult, I don’t know. I wish I was less intense sometimes

hard ass nuns? What a strange phrase.

yohohoCrimbo · 03/01/2025 02:43

I encountered Nuns a long time ago.

They weren't kind.
I understand the description hard-assed.

Crushed23 · 03/01/2025 03:13

I have phased out intense people from my life. I simply do not have the energy for them.

I surround myself with calm, laid back, easygoing people. I absolutely loathe other people's drama.

Life has improved immeasurably.

ThatLimeCat · 03/01/2025 05:10

Crushed23 · 03/01/2025 03:13

I have phased out intense people from my life. I simply do not have the energy for them.

I surround myself with calm, laid back, easygoing people. I absolutely loathe other people's drama.

Life has improved immeasurably.

Likewise. I find these people tend to steamroll everyone around them, I can't deal with it.

As to why - mental illness, personality disorder (BPD people are like this), childhood trauma. Not a criticism, just seems to be the cause. High levels of anxiety seem to cause this intensity as well.

Gabitule · 03/01/2025 11:20

JennyTals · 03/01/2025 01:02

Wow that’s a great description, you’ve come along way in accepting yourself

how would you advise me to handle them, just try to fully accept them the way they are ?
ill give you an example
I seem off to them as I’ve been shattered, so I’ve responded the next day, rather then that day
then get questions like are you ok with me etc etc
which for me is intense
but I hear what your saying that they just want to know what’s up
as a bit of a can’t be arsed person at times there’s a couple of people I really care about but I find difficult

Show quote history

I can’t tell if,in the example you gave, the issue is intensity or miscommunication. That would depend on the way you respond to them and less on the time taken to respond. Imagine, for example, that they send you a nice longer message telling you about their Xmas and you respond a day or so later with a few words. They may not initially notice anything unusual. Then a few days later they send you another message. You respond with a delay and again with just few words. That’s when something ‘clicks’ for them, they realise that you’ve also been very short in your last messages and they start wondering if you’re ok or perhaps upset with them. And because they care about you, they ask questions and come across as intense. I would prefer these kind of friends any day over friends who would glance at your message, think ‘’she sounds off, who knows what’s wrong with her’’, and then put you at the back of their mind and get on with their day.

You ask if you should fully accept them as they are. I feel there’s a slight implication here that there’s something wrong with them. But perhaps from their point of view you’re the kind of friend who is not really bothered about fully responding to messages, checking if they’re ok, and they wonder if they should accept you as you are.
From my point of view no one is to blame. Friendships are like relationships, someone ‘loves’ more and ultimately it’s a matter of compatibility and compromise. Think about your ‘intense’ friends and ask yourself ‘’is my life better with them in it’’? If the answer is yes, keep them in your life.

Crushed23 · 03/01/2025 13:52

Gabitule · 03/01/2025 00:08

I am considered ‘intense’ so I can try to answer your question - although your definition of intense may be different than mine.

I am intense because my feelings and emotions range from 1 to 10, from the depths of despair to ecstasy. For some people their emotions seem to range from a lukewarm 4 to a lukewarm 7. I envy them for not feeling agony but also feel sorry for them for not feeling intense beauty, or intense pleasure.

I am very sensitive, everything touches me. I could say that I am overly sensitive so sometimes I may get upset or sad about things that other people can easily ignore, but I can’t help how I feel. (For example if I read an article about animal cruelty I’m in absolute bits - but this does come from complex childhood trauma about lots of animal neglect and cruelty)

I am intense in my friendships, I have few close friendships but I don’t really have acquaintances, I don’t see the point of anything lukewarm.

I have high standards, I am 100% reliable and I expect the same. Same goes with other traits such as honesty, generosity etc. I am intensely loyal, intensely passionate, but also intensely furious if betrayed.

i don’t know why I am ‘intense’. I just am. I think its more nature than nurture. Actually, I don’t know, I know my feelings were ignored when I was little, as if I didn’t matter, so probably all those upsets and frustrations intensified leading to my current intense personality. I sometimes wish I was more casual and cared less about everything but most of the times I am glad I am the way I am - in my mind the opposite of intensity is a ‘lukewarm’ and ‘can’t be bothered’ attitude.

Edited

The opposite of intense is not lukewarm or 'can't be bothered'. It's calm, balanced, rational / has perspective, easygoing, at peace with oneself, not a burden on others.

I find intense people justify their behaviour by appealing to 'nature' and things supposedly out of their control. They also tend to have a victim complex, in my experience. They can't possibly be less intense, it's 'who they are' etc.

They demand too much from other people and are not relaxing to be around. Hence many people steer clear of them.

perfectcolourfound · 03/01/2025 14:14

Crushed23 · 03/01/2025 13:52

The opposite of intense is not lukewarm or 'can't be bothered'. It's calm, balanced, rational / has perspective, easygoing, at peace with oneself, not a burden on others.

I find intense people justify their behaviour by appealing to 'nature' and things supposedly out of their control. They also tend to have a victim complex, in my experience. They can't possibly be less intense, it's 'who they are' etc.

They demand too much from other people and are not relaxing to be around. Hence many people steer clear of them.

Show quote history

This. Intense isn't the opposite of lukewarm.

My most fun / reliable . dependable friends are not the 'intense' ones.

EducatingArti · 03/01/2025 14:26

I think I can be intense . Another one here with childhood trauma and emotional neglect. I have had to learn that if someone doesn't get back to me immediately it doesn't mean a rupture in our relationship. It could be that they are just busy/tired etc. I am pretty much ok with this now. Maybe explain " if I don't get back straight away, it's just because I'm tired/needing time to rest/ busy organising what ever. It isn't anything to do with our friendship." You might need to explain this a few times as they might not get it straight away. I'm very comfortable now with people varying how much and when they communicate but it took a while.

I think I value authenticity in relationship and don't see the point of lots of surface chit chat. I'd rather talk about things that are meaningful to me or the other person. However I can do fun too! I enjoyed jokey times and doing adventurous things with others like open water swimming!

I am very loyal, always try to do whatever I have committed to do for others and like others to do the same for me! If someone has an issue with me I'd way rather they address it with me directly than talking about it to mutual friends.

Lottapianos · 03/01/2025 14:47

'I think I can be intense . Another one here with childhood trauma and emotional neglect. I have had to learn that if someone doesn't get back to me immediately it doesn't mean a rupture in our relationship'

I can relate to all this. Childhood trauma and emotional neglect that I'm still in recovery from (in my mid 40s). I'm a very loyal and reliable friend but I think I have been too intense, needy and demanding in the part. I'm trying to work hard on that by building up my self esteem and self reliance, but the non response to WhatsApp messages really does bug me. I've disabled the notifications on my phone and am committing to just checking once a day, which is helping so far (early days)

CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets · 03/01/2025 15:00

I have an intense friend.

Messaging me constantly
Wants to know all the ins and outs of anything I'm doing including private things like medical appointments.
Has to do anything new "with" me. Eg won't do an excercise video unless I confirm I'm doing it too at the same time.

Rants at me constantly when soemthing doesn't go their way (could be anything)

Basically leans far too hard on me for emotional support.

Sometimes I have to ignore him for my own wellbeing.

CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets · 03/01/2025 15:36

Basically has no boundaries and respects nobody elses at all.

TokyoSushi · 03/01/2025 15:40

This is a really interesting thread, I'd say I'm probably a 4-7 person, I'm just not very deeply affected by things and am very much of the 'anything for a quiet life' persuasion.