Partner earns a good salary but is resistant to share the pot.

[AimeeMae92]

Thought it would be an open space to just hear other SAH moms how they manage finances in thier home. I currently moved 2 years ago to my partners country. While pregnant I wasn't able to work as wasn't allowed but as agreed after my son was born I am a stay at home mom. This obviously allows my partner to work and me to look after the babe. I used to just use his card if I needed something but then later we opened my own account. We agreed on an amount less than 1 ninth of his salary but always finances have been such a big argument because this money isn't really just for me it's also for my son and if I need to eat while I'm out with my boy and by the 2nd week it's finished. Then when asking for more he always has questions for me where did the money go ect. He's always complaining if I spend more than my amount and in the past a couple of weeks ago he went through my phone to see what I'd been doing when he saw I started saving abit of money he got really upset. I feel so confused for weeks now what am I suppose to do and how I'm meant to manage thus situation. Its making me so anxious and u just want it to be over. I hate that I always seem like the bad guy when I know I'm being sensible and even if I do get things for my son I'm usually always buying second hand from vinted and honestly I take really good care of our son. He's also been really unreliable with his drinking my whole sons childhood and not stable but he is a really good dad overall. Sometimes I feel like I just want to do it on my own and other times I feel like it's unfair to my son to grow up without a father.
I'd just like some idea maybe what anyone else would do in this situation as right now I'm just feeling really not appreciated.

He's not a good dad. He's a boozing controller and financial abuser who has you trapped.

What I would do? I'd leave and go home. It's unfair to your son to grow up with him as a template.

OP you need to get some legal advice on your rights. You're not married and I have no idea of the law of the country you're in so I have no idea what your rights are.

It isn't looking good. Does your visa allow you to work? Can you take your child out of the country without his permission? Are you entitled to child maintenance? You need to find out.

He's abusive OP and he's likely to get worse. I would find the number of your local or national domestic abuse organisation and take it from there.

Clearly financial abuse - please look it up if you are not familiar with the term.

Also, don't think that you need to stay with your abusive husband so that your son can grow up with a father. He will still be his father if you are not together, growing up in a household where his mother is being abused is very harmful to your son and his future partners.

Wow you sound like you're in a very vulnerable position. You can't work, are completely financially dependant financially on a controlling man, and I'm guessing are socially isolated as your family are going to be abroad? Are you even married?

Are you trapped in your new country now that you've had a child?

And of course your aren't being unreasonable about finances - I was a SAHM for 8 years, all money was family money and I was on all the accounts.

Can’t take the child out of the country though unless he agrees, as the child has spent his life there

I also moved to my partner's country after I had our first, the 2nd DC was born in his country. He is a high earner, I'm a SAHM, I have full access to his money, he doesn't care what I spend.

Bloody hell op that's horrific.
If you were the nanny you'd have better employment conditions than this!

I was a sahm (not now kids are 12+14), all the family income went into one pot to which we both had equal access (both trusted to make adult choices over what was spent and no one taking the piss, no need for either if it's too much manage the other - after all we wouldn't have chosen each other if we hadn't trusted each other) as we are life partners and I can't give our children full time care (as we both wanted) and earn money, so anything else would have been massively unfair.

You are incredibly vulnerable if you are not married to him and not in your country of origin.

He is being abusive. You are a grown woman caring for your son how dare he put you under the microscope, why did he have children with you if he thought you needed supervising like a wayward teenager!!??

Agree.

Me and DH have a single pot of money to spend as we wish. Your situation sounds like financial abuse sorry.

It's not a good set up.

But I don't understand how you run out of money by the second week, yet have been saving this money too?

It also reads like this is just your "fun" money. Lunches out when you take your child places kind of spends. All your bills, housing, groceries etc are already covered. I think I'd be a bit pissed off if I covered every expense for someone, gave them a chunk of my salary after all those bills had been deducted so they could enjoy social spending..... then they told me they'd run out half way through the month, but when I checked they'd actually been putting it into their savings account and asking me to give them more on top.

Apologies if I've massively misunderstood though.

I would go see a solicitor and find out what my legal options are.

when I was home with our dc, all money was shared completely. That has continued ever since. My husband fully recognizes the financial sacrifices raising our child has taken on my career. If he wasn’t the kind of man who understood the automatically, I wouldn’t have had a child with him.

What is the actual financial breakdown, you say 1/9th of his salary's that could be £200 a month if he earns £1800 a month or £600 if he earns £5400?

What are the household costs - rent/mortgage, utility bills, food shopping etc?

How much is left over as disposable income? Are you getting an equal share of that?

Why weren't you allowed to work when pregnant? Were you sacked - that's illegal if so. Or did your partner make you give up your job?

Are you fluent in the local language so you can start working again. What's the childcare like?

Who pays for food shipping, petrol, child's clothes?

Leave, go home, with your son, and find a job
This man is abusive and unkind

I’m not a SAHM but all our salaries go into one account. What you describe isn’t normal. It is financial abuse. You are totally dependent on this man and he has no respect for you.

This is kind of what I'm getting at.

To use your £5400 example. She gets £600.

He gets £4800...but pays £1500 rent, £700 food, £200 council tax, £200 utilities, £100 TV and broadband etc, £200 vehicle costs, £100 insurances.... That's £3k just there. Then there's phones, medical stuff, house stuff, all the rest that adds up fast.

More comparably she's getting £600 compared to his maximum £1800. Putting it into savings, but saying she's got no money, can she have some more.

Again, I might have this totally wrong.

My DH earns 300k a year plus dividends which can vary. Say 350
I earn 20k a year
We combine our salaries, pay out of that all joint expenses (including everything for our children) and savings and split the rest for our personal spends. The disparity in our earnings literally never mentioned in terms of who gets what.
That is what a good husband and father does. Any money earned belongs to both of you. If he is not splitting it fairly and voluntarily then fight and get what’s yours.
Then leave the cunt.

Be very careful with advice like this. We don’t know which country OP is in. Her home country is somewhere else, but her child’s home country is the one he’s in, and he’s habitually resident there. OP needs legal advice to ensure she doesn’t put herself in a situation where the child is returned to their current country but she can’t get back there herself.

He’s a controlling boozer! Not controlling of his booze, but probably is, he’s a boozer and a controller. This has financial abuse written all over it.

How is he a good dad? A good dad would want to spend his money on his son. A good dad wouldn’t be drinking to excess. A good dad would want to be stable and to give his child stability. A good dad is more than making breakfast or playing cars together, an uncle can do all that. A good dad wants to ensure he can provide and create a happy, stable home alongside the mother. It doesn’t sound like he is doing that.

I'm not sure how you can be allowed to stay but not work. Is this situation likely to change? Not sure if you're allowed to claim benefits. It seems a precarious situation living in a foreign country with no income (or chance of income) and relying on your boyfriend for money.

Tge difference is, you are married.

Wow I'm really grateful for all the responses to my situation but basically I'm meaning that if he gets 10k salary earnings I get 500 out of that which I feel isn't fair.
Both of us don't have any family where we are staying so the childcare falls solely on me. Ie no grandpa or aunty's ext over the weekend.
Childcare is expensive and in the uk we do now have some benefits with free hours but because I'm a citizen I don't qualify for this but the partner does pay for the childcare fees.
So say for eg.
Mon.wed. Fri. Sat. Sun. Those days are mine and the family time.
I don't usually ask many questions with the finances basically what's given to me I'm usually okay with but not really as when Iv needed more than what's given when asked I get questioned.
Iv been suggested to keep slips for what's spent out of my budget if I spend money on food or clothes for our son but recently I asked for more help with childcare this year and he's asked that this comes out my pot that made me really angry.
I'm not a confrontational person and that's why I'm finding this situation so hard and yes now I have rights to work but if I do then obviously childcare will have to be paid for.
I defineltly do feel alot of what's been said on this feed does have truth and I need to consider my options.
Right now I'm just trying to get through it and make sense of things. I think when you a mom the first 2 years is honestly the most difficult and I was kind of hoping that maybe things would get more settled as our son gets older but iv just been finding it so difficult to comprehend.
I couldn't work while pregnant because of my visa not because I got fired.
Because he earns a good salary I feel like I can easily be a stay at home mom but the stress of constantly being watched over about my spending or getting told off when we get to the til how expensive groceries are I get so embarrassed in these situations it doesn't make me feel comfortable.
Ofcoarse I want what's best for me and my son but when you alone it feels so difficult to make the right choices !
I think alot of this is also regret from his side not buying a house sooner in his life and now every penny counts because he talks about buying a house and saving but we also disagree here as I think we should put that money away in a separate pot at the start of the month.
The other really annoying thing is that I always have to ask afew times before he even pays this money into my account and I find it really crushing like that feeling of you having to rely on your partner to get the things you want or need for yourself.
That's actually my biggest problem with the situation I don't want to have to come to someone to ask for money when it shouldn't really be an issue and at times when he's told me we really can't afford things iv checked his account and I can see there are funds he just doesn't want to part with it.
We didn't know each other very long before establishing a family but as someone in his 40s he was ready and so was I so I just went for it and I kind of hoped also that having this child will help him pull himself straight with his drinking habits.
Luckily even though I don't have family here iv had some really good mom friends who have kept me positive and going but I'm really starting to reach my breaking point.

Because he earns a good salary I feel like I can easily be a stay at home mom

You can't make that decision for yourself, with a man you've not even known that long but got pregnant as soon as you met and you aren't married too. And he's not going to marry you, I hope you've worked that bit out by now.

You need a job my dear. I know you don't want to accept that. You aren't entitled to anything from him and he could turf you out at any minute.