Partner earns a good salary but is resistant to share the pot.

[AimeeMae92]

Thought it would be an open space to just hear other SAH moms how they manage finances in thier home. I currently moved 2 years ago to my partners country. While pregnant I wasn't able to work as wasn't allowed but as agreed after my son was born I am a stay at home mom. This obviously allows my partner to work and me to look after the babe. I used to just use his card if I needed something but then later we opened my own account. We agreed on an amount less than 1 ninth of his salary but always finances have been such a big argument because this money isn't really just for me it's also for my son and if I need to eat while I'm out with my boy and by the 2nd week it's finished. Then when asking for more he always has questions for me where did the money go ect. He's always complaining if I spend more than my amount and in the past a couple of weeks ago he went through my phone to see what I'd been doing when he saw I started saving abit of money he got really upset. I feel so confused for weeks now what am I suppose to do and how I'm meant to manage thus situation. Its making me so anxious and u just want it to be over. I hate that I always seem like the bad guy when I know I'm being sensible and even if I do get things for my son I'm usually always buying second hand from vinted and honestly I take really good care of our son. He's also been really unreliable with his drinking my whole sons childhood and not stable but he is a really good dad overall. Sometimes I feel like I just want to do it on my own and other times I feel like it's unfair to my son to grow up without a father.
I'd just like some idea maybe what anyone else would do in this situation as right now I'm just feeling really not appreciated.

Well this, really.

OP you really need to find a way to get a job and some financial independence. Even if just part time. You need financial independence now and also for your future eg pensions. If you're working you should both be paying for childcare (fairly, as a proportion of your income) as you both made the baby! Baby is not only yours to pay for.

I’m not sure about this- how much money does he actually give you? £500 a mth? And pays all bills and childcare even though you don’t work? (Paid work, I know being a sahm mum is hard work).

Well you’ve slept walked your arse into a very precarious position haven’t you.

Waiting for him to be the man he clearly isn’t is not a strategy that is going to get you very far. You sound like you are very much in denial about the position you’ve put yourself in, so let me spell it out for you, you are unmarried and your child is habitually resident outside of the UK. Which means If the country you are in is a signatory to The Hague convention, it will mean that you will need the permission of your child’s father or the courts to return to the UK.

You need to be smart, you need to stop crossing your fingers and get legal advice asap. You’re a mother now, hand wringing and doubling down on past errors of judgement, is not in you or your child’s best interest.

Your post is unclear. You have said he gives you 1/9 of his salary and also £500/£10k - it’s relevant how much money you have at your disposal and whether you have actual bills to cover or it’s fun money. Also that you run out of money each month but are saving some - how can both be true?
You are a SAHM but child is in childcare three days a week which he pays for?
From his perspective he works full time and pays mortgage/rent, bills, council tax, nursery, food etc and gives you hundreds for your personal spending.
You are vulnerable because you are not married so have no actual claim to anything beyond child support if you separated. Do you now have a right to work in the U.K.? What is the citizenship status of your child?

Remind him of how much he would have to pay for full time childcare and a housekeeper which he will have to pay at least 50% of when you return to work plus do 50% of running the household etc.

Personally I would be returning to your family or getting a job ASAP.

This.

This is confusing. If your DS does 3 days at nursery, can't you work during that time? Also, how much money do you actually get a month and what does it need to cover?

I find this one difficult because I think all resources and assets should be pooled when you have a child - you're essentially working as a family unit to provide the best life possible for your child, and then after that for you and your partner. But also there needs to be a discussion about division of responsibilities, both financial, childcare and chores. The starting-point should be that both partners contribute both financially and in other ways, unless it works for both of you to do it differently.

Exactly this. Your post in rather confusing and it’s difficult to gauge if you’re in a controlling relationship and being financially abused or if you’re wanting a life of luxury and unlimited cash.

if £500 covers bills, groceries, child’s activities and clothing etc, and “fun money”, and he’s then questioning you about money, whilst he spends £1000’s on what he wants, that is NOT OKAY. If £500 per month is just “fun money”, you’re also saving some for yourself, and he’s covering all other expenses, then that’s a whole other story.

Did you both discuss how finances would work before you got pregnant (or when you found out you were pregnant if a surprise)? Are you both in agreement that being a SAHM is the best solution for you all? Or is it something one of you has insisted on?

How about putting some real figures rather than hypothetical for income and expenditure. List every expense out that has to come out of his income including what goes to you and what it needs to cover. What's left? What does he or what do you expect him to be putting away from any surplus for your DC and their education etc? He must be a high earner to cover all costs himself but he still might need to be careful. If he has more spending money than you do then he is unreasonable. It does sound like he doesn't trust you not to be frivolous and fritter money away. However, if he can afford it you should have funds that are yours and choose what to do with it. If there are sufficient funds then something should be put aside in your name for the future whether savings or a pension as you have no protection.

There should be full transparency of finances. DH and I have had periods where there is £100 per month between us to cover socialising, clothing etc as after bills we put aside a small sum each month to ensure we could travel and see his family abroad each year. We don't do that travel each year now as we have DC and although our income has increased and our expenditure decreased our priorities have shifted. Our finances are transparent, we have a joint account and joint savings and we trust each other.

There’s also so many assumptions being made on this thread despite the information given being unclear as to how much money the op has at her disposal and how they arrange childcare between them.

He doesn't sound great but there's not enough info. What does he give you and what does it need to cover? Why do you need childcare if you're a sahm?

LTB

You are so vulnerable. Get a job and your own finances as a matter of urgency. Your home and finances are completely at the mercy of a man. A man who begrudges you enough money to love. A man who has cleverly persuaded to move away from all support and forced you to become dependent on him and is now showing you his true colours. A man who also has a drinking problem. What are you going to do when the drinking escalates? What are you going to do if he turns nastier? Do you see the problem now?

Is the bit he gives you for fun only or what other expenses is he expecting you to pay out of it?

But the bottom line is you are extremely vulnerable right now as he could kick you out of the house tomorrow. You have no job, no savings, no right to work still (I assume) and would probably be unable to take your child out of the country. But laws are different everywhere so could you state which country you are living in right now?

Really helpful.

I’m guessing you’ve not read the entire thread….

You've put yourself in an insanely vulnerable position and potentially trapped yourself in a foreign country. Did you have any fall back plan for if things went wrong? You need to work, you may no want to, but you need to, you need savings at the very least. Do you have any legal protections in the country you've moved to as an unmarried SAHM?

@AimeeMae92 how much is he actually giving you? perhaps you are overspending!!

I think we can all see what is actually happening here but no one wants to be the one to say it.

OP had her own romanticised plan, albeit a shit plan, and what she thought was going to be, as PP said a "life of luxury" banking on someone she barely knew suddenly falling over to fund her, appease her, and give her the right to remain in the UK, all because she got pregnant as fast as she could.

Turns out this guy was somewhat unaware of this plan, probably made some noises about "yeah kids great" in the moment in order to get a shag, not for a moment meaning to ever have a kid with OP. OP purports this as he wanted to seriously start a family, hence the immediate pregnancy can be "explained" for another reason than the rather obvious elephant in the room.

He's then got pregnant OP, who he's housing, paying all her bills, while her VISA prevents her from working only whilst pregnant (sorry, what??). The child is here and now he pays for everything and for the kid to go nursery 3 days a week. OP doesn't fancy a job, and on top of all her housing and bills paid, gets hundreds of pounds for "fun money" a month. Consistently asking for more because she spends it in the first two weeks. Except turns out she's been pretending to spend it and banking it in her own private account, then asking for more. Wonder why he's pissed off.

OP you need to wise up. Because you aren't even entitled to anything you're getting at the moment. Let alone asking for more. You're not going to be a kept woman who lunches, just because you think you should be. That's not what having a kid entitles you too. You clearly had that expectation with all the "thought he'd change when the baby arrived." You've got a very good "deal" at the moment compared to what you are both entitled to, and bringing to the table in this unmarried situationship.

Sorry to tell you that if you want more money than you are voluntarily being gifted every month, you need to get off your arse and get a job. Remember whilst it may have been your vision, his plan wasn't ever a position where you were living off him. Just because he's tolerating it for now, does not mean he won't get sick of it equally quickly. And he owes you nothing but child support. Which if he owns his own company, and thinks you've "had enough out of him already" he will tailor with his income so you get very little.

Now you actually do need a plan OP. You have no income, no entitlements, no home. What will you do if he wakes up tomorrow and declares he's done and you're leaving. Because there is zero stopping that from happening, and all you seem to be focussed on is not having enough money for lunches out on the days you wander about with your child.

Seriously, what are you going to do?