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Original poster

What happened that night?

39 replies

BeKeenRaven · 02/01/2025 22:09

TW- potential SA

Please please be kind as it's taken a lot of courage to post here and I'm really nervous about seeing any replies.

In 2023 I organised a date with a guy I met on an app. It was in a nearby city and the plan was to go for some tea then maybe drinks after depending how we felt. Everything was lovely while we were chatting in the run up to the date and I was quite excited.

I booked a room for myself at a hotel and checked in there beforehand. The room was only for me in case I did fancy a few drinks so didn't have to drive home.

Met him and before we walked off to the restaurant I mentioned I was a bit cold and would he mind if I popped up to my room to get my coat.

He came up to the room with me (yes I know i know I shouldn't have done this but I did feel comfortable to a degree and I only intended on popping to get my coat then go straight out). Inside the room he started to make a move on me, I tried to get away and was saying let's go for dinner (i wasn't very assertive back then). Next thing i know, I was undressed and on the bed and we were having sex, however I didn't want to. I would never have been able to fight him off but I was saying I didn't want to, that I wanted to wait and I was turning my head away from him while he's on top and asking to go, again saying let's go out for a walk, I'm hungry etc. It hurt me because I wasn't aroused and I was in a little pain the next day too (got tested after, all ok). After, he went to the bathroom, had a shower then I saw him doing something on his phone, then he walked out and left. I went to text him after he had left as I was so confused as to what had happened and where he had gone and he had blocked me. That is what he must have been doing on his phone so I couldn't contact him.

What happened that night?

A few months later, I got into a relationship with a guy who I confided in who initially was aort of understanding but later on in the relationship he brought this up and said that I was asking for it by booking a room and inviting him up there. (Not with this guy anymore btw, he was super nasty to put it lightly and has been charged with DA offences towards me). Because of this what my recent ex was saying, I feel like i brought this on myself by inviting the guy up (although I did make it clear that I was only wanting to pop up to get my coat and he wouldn't have been able to get into the hotel without me because you need a key card to get in and to operate the lift. Room booked in my name only).

Please can you shed some light so I can try to move on from this as I question myself so much about it.

Thank you in advance

OP posts:
InkHeart2024 · 02/01/2025 22:12

What happened was that he raped you. I'm sorry that happened to you 💐

FoxInTheForest · 02/01/2025 22:15

That was rape, and he knew it hence blocking you (most likely the shower was an attempt to build an excuse if you reported him after - "everything was fine, I even had a shower there while she was in the room, check cctv my hair was wet and she didn't leave the room during my shower as things were fine". Judging by that I'd guess hes a prolific offender, it's not your fault in any way.
Have you considered therapy or do you not feel that would help?

IchiNiSanShiGo · 02/01/2025 22:16

This happened in 2023? I think you know, really, deep down, what this was. It wouldn’t have impacted you this much, and for so long if you didn’t know. You told him you didn’t want to but he carried on anyway. You know what the word for that is.

Im so sorry, this must be hard for you. Have you got anyone you can talk to about this in real life?

DebOnDating · 02/01/2025 22:18

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TwistedWonder · 02/01/2025 22:19

I’m so sorry you were raped by a predatory sexual abuser. His mr nice guy act was probably well versed as that’s how he operates to gain women’s confidence. And the way he showered and blocked you does seem to say he knew exactly what he was dking abs it’s not his first assault

I know you might feel it’s too late but if you have any of his details and feel able to, please report him to the police. He will almost certainly still be out there doing this

category12 · 02/01/2025 22:23

I'm sorry that you went through this. You were clear that you didn't want to, and it was rape.

It's unfortunate you also ended up with an abusive man afterwards, but experiences like that can make you vulnerable, almost catnip, to such men. I'm glad you're free of him now.

Please speak to Rape Crisis if you feel like you need more support.

Pleaseletmegohome · 02/01/2025 22:32

You were raped my love. And he knew exactly what he was doing. He knew you were saying no, did not give consent and were trying to get him to stop. He didn’t care because he’s a rapist

I am sorry this happened to you. You in no way caused this, despite what any victim blamer on here or in real life might say to you.

If you want to report this to the police, you can but you are not responsible for his possible current or future behaviour if you do not.

Edited to add: he showered to try and remove DNA and this, combined with blocking you is further evidence he knew he raped you.

whyschoolwhy · 02/01/2025 22:40

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This is deeply unpleasant victim blaming - shame on you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP.

YourAquaLion · 02/01/2025 22:40

I’m so sorry this happened to you, it was absolutely not your fault and this man was a total brute forcing you. And you were not asking for it at all as the next fellow put it. You were innocent, vulnerable and it is all his fault, what a terrible man.

If you can find the strength to report this guy then this may help to stop him doing it again or back up another woman’s report.

But most importantly of all, get yourself some therapy so you never doubt yourself again that this was rape, it was not your fault, and this man is entirely to blame.

sending much love ❤️

PinotPony · 02/01/2025 22:43

You were raped.

It doesn’t matter that you weren’t assertive, that you didn’t scream and shout, or gouge his eyes out. It’s perfectly normal in that situation to try to deflect and distract. To say you’re hungry or want to wait. You’re saying anything you can to get away without angering or upsetting him.

Please consider reporting it even after all this time. He will be doing it to other women.

SmileEachDay · 02/01/2025 22:45

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Or, you know, he could not have raped her.

And don’t be so fucking judgey with your “too bad you didn’t report it”. There are so many reasons why she might not have done.

By commenting like this, you make it harder for every rape victim.

wriggleigglepiggle · 02/01/2025 22:46

You were raped. He clearly has an MO and you won't have been his first. He's a disgusting predator

username299 · 02/01/2025 22:49

The first instance was rape. You made it clear during the act that you wanted it to stop and he continued. He's probably a serial rapist. He blocked you because he didn't want repurcusions. The way he went about it, calmly having a shower and then blocking you, demonstrates that this wasn't his first time.

After this incident, you met another abuser. You're not responsible for either man's behaviour but you need to stop dating.

It would be a good idea to do the Freedom Programme and get in contact with the Survivors Trust who are a charity with a good helpline for survivors of sexual abuse.
They can also direct you to specialist counselling services.

PinkArt · 02/01/2025 22:53

FoxInTheForest · 02/01/2025 22:15

That was rape, and he knew it hence blocking you (most likely the shower was an attempt to build an excuse if you reported him after - "everything was fine, I even had a shower there while she was in the room, check cctv my hair was wet and she didn't leave the room during my shower as things were fine". Judging by that I'd guess hes a prolific offender, it's not your fault in any way.
Have you considered therapy or do you not feel that would help?

Presumably he was thinking about washing away evidence too. It sounds like it's not his first time doing this to a woman.
OP I'm so sorry this happened to you. It would be completely understandable if you didn't feel up to reporting it but if you did then this cunt may already be on their radar.
Sending you lots of love and support.

Porcuporpoise · 02/01/2025 23:00

You were raped, I'm so sorry. Please do not blame yourself. Taking a man up to your room to fetch a coat doesn't transform them into a rapist - he was a rapist already. Nor does it matter that you didn't fight him off - you were very, very clear that you didn't want sex. Any man that wasn't a rapist would have listened to you.

UnderTheStairs51 · 02/01/2025 23:07

I think you are asking here because you do know this was rape.

Some of your behaviour was unwise but it doesn't in any way make what he did okay.

We have all done things which in hindsight were not sensible but most of us get away with it. The online build up gives a sense of security in knowing someone which doesn't really apply.

I think you really do need to talk this through with a professional. You need to process it properly and also to recognise an abusive pattern as your experience sadly makes you vulnerable.

You can't change what happened to you and if you don't want to name it as rape that's also okay. But you do need to understand that he crossed your boundaries and that in all it's forms is never okay.

DramaAlpaca · 02/01/2025 23:08

I'm so sorry OP. You were raped. It wasn't your fault, not at all. You did nothing wrong.

I think some specialist counselling would be very helpful to you.

user1471554720 · 02/01/2025 23:12

You were raped and I am so sorry.
I know it is late to say it now, but if you met a man in future and had to travel: maybe it would be best not to tell that you had booked a room. You could say your sister or other female was sharing the room and that the man couldn't accompany you to the room. I know it sounds devious, but don't let a man think you are alone

When I lived alone, if I answered the door to a strange man, I would call out that I was answering the door. This would make the man at the door think I am not alone in the house..

Of course what he did was awful and we should not have to deceive people just to keep safe.

ChocolateIce · 02/01/2025 23:14

It was odd to book a hotel for a first date I've never heard of anyone doing that. I'm guessing he took that as a hint but doesn't make what he done ok and you clearly said no.

SmileEachDay · 02/01/2025 23:21

ChocolateIce · 02/01/2025 23:14

It was odd to book a hotel for a first date I've never heard of anyone doing that. I'm guessing he took that as a hint but doesn't make what he done ok and you clearly said no.

A woman has disclosed that she was raped, and your first response is that it’s “odd” she booked a hotel because you’ve never heard of that before?

Give.
Me.
Strength.

ChocolateIce · 02/01/2025 23:23

SmileEachDay · 02/01/2025 23:21

A woman has disclosed that she was raped, and your first response is that it’s “odd” she booked a hotel because you’ve never heard of that before?

Give.
Me.
Strength.

Show quote history

Im.explaining why her ex may have had that view and I'm also not the only one who has mentioned it. I clearly stated it doesn't make it ok but could be seen as suggestive

PinotPony · 02/01/2025 23:24

Suggestive of what @ChocolateIce ?

ChocolateIce · 02/01/2025 23:27

PinotPony · 02/01/2025 23:24

Suggestive of what @ChocolateIce ?

Do people usually book hotels for first dates?

Porcuporpoise · 02/01/2025 23:30

ChocolateIce · 02/01/2025 23:27

Do people usually book hotels for first dates?

Show quote history

Women book hotel rooms for themselves all the time. It has no bearing whatsoever on whether they are wanting or expecting to have sex.

ChocolateIce · 02/01/2025 23:31

Porcuporpoise · 02/01/2025 23:30

Women book hotel rooms for themselves all the time. It has no bearing whatsoever on whether they are wanting or expecting to have sex.

Show quote history

On a first date? Sure.