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Original poster

What happened that night?

39 replies

BeKeenRaven · 02/01/2025 22:09

TW- potential SA

Please please be kind as it's taken a lot of courage to post here and I'm really nervous about seeing any replies.

In 2023 I organised a date with a guy I met on an app. It was in a nearby city and the plan was to go for some tea then maybe drinks after depending how we felt. Everything was lovely while we were chatting in the run up to the date and I was quite excited.

I booked a room for myself at a hotel and checked in there beforehand. The room was only for me in case I did fancy a few drinks so didn't have to drive home.

Met him and before we walked off to the restaurant I mentioned I was a bit cold and would he mind if I popped up to my room to get my coat.

He came up to the room with me (yes I know i know I shouldn't have done this but I did feel comfortable to a degree and I only intended on popping to get my coat then go straight out). Inside the room he started to make a move on me, I tried to get away and was saying let's go for dinner (i wasn't very assertive back then). Next thing i know, I was undressed and on the bed and we were having sex, however I didn't want to. I would never have been able to fight him off but I was saying I didn't want to, that I wanted to wait and I was turning my head away from him while he's on top and asking to go, again saying let's go out for a walk, I'm hungry etc. It hurt me because I wasn't aroused and I was in a little pain the next day too (got tested after, all ok). After, he went to the bathroom, had a shower then I saw him doing something on his phone, then he walked out and left. I went to text him after he had left as I was so confused as to what had happened and where he had gone and he had blocked me. That is what he must have been doing on his phone so I couldn't contact him.

What happened that night?

A few months later, I got into a relationship with a guy who I confided in who initially was aort of understanding but later on in the relationship he brought this up and said that I was asking for it by booking a room and inviting him up there. (Not with this guy anymore btw, he was super nasty to put it lightly and has been charged with DA offences towards me). Because of this what my recent ex was saying, I feel like i brought this on myself by inviting the guy up (although I did make it clear that I was only wanting to pop up to get my coat and he wouldn't have been able to get into the hotel without me because you need a key card to get in and to operate the lift. Room booked in my name only).

Please can you shed some light so I can try to move on from this as I question myself so much about it.

Thank you in advance

OP posts:
Behindthethymes · 02/01/2025 23:32

ChocolateIce · 02/01/2025 23:23

Im.explaining why her ex may have had that view and I'm also not the only one who has mentioned it. I clearly stated it doesn't make it ok but could be seen as suggestive

Show quote history

@ChocolateIce If he was that sensitive to the power of suggestion don’t you think he might have picked up on the many other “suggestions” the op has listed
no
lets go
lets go for a walk
lets have dinner
I’m hungry
turning her head away

The man is a rapist.

@BeKeenRaven I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Franjipanl8r · 02/01/2025 23:33

ChocolateIce · 02/01/2025 23:27

Do people usually book hotels for first dates?

Show quote history

People book hotels when they need somewhere to sleep and can’t easily get home late. Completely normal.

Original poster
BeKeenRaven · 02/01/2025 23:34

ChocolateIce · 02/01/2025 23:14

It was odd to book a hotel for a first date I've never heard of anyone doing that. I'm guessing he took that as a hint but doesn't make what he done ok and you clearly said no.

I like staying in hotels. I just thought why not take the opportunity for a night away in a nice city. Also safer for me to have accommodation there rather than drive home (about 40 min).

OP posts:
Franjipanl8r · 02/01/2025 23:36

I’m so sorry you’ve been raped. You’ve done absolutely nothing at all wrong, no one deserves to be raped. No one encourages or gives hints that they want to be raped or sexually assaulted. 💐

ChocolateIce · 02/01/2025 23:47

BeKeenRaven · 02/01/2025 23:34

I like staying in hotels. I just thought why not take the opportunity for a night away in a nice city. Also safer for me to have accommodation there rather than drive home (about 40 min).

Show quote history

Make them come to you in future (not house but area)

ChocolateIce · 02/01/2025 23:49

Behindthethymes · 02/01/2025 23:32

@ChocolateIce If he was that sensitive to the power of suggestion don’t you think he might have picked up on the many other “suggestions” the op has listed
no
lets go
lets go for a walk
lets have dinner
I’m hungry
turning her head away

The man is a rapist.

@BeKeenRaven I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Show quote history

I already said it was not ok. Just that booking a hotel for a first date isn't wise.

2025HereICome · 02/01/2025 23:57

ChocolateIce · 02/01/2025 23:14

It was odd to book a hotel for a first date I've never heard of anyone doing that. I'm guessing he took that as a hint but doesn't make what he done ok and you clearly said no.

This is not odd in the slightest and plenty of people do this when they are going on a date with someone who lives a distance away. I've done it, my friends have done it.

Could he not take 'the hint' that she did not want to have sex from the fact that she repeatedly told him so?

You're a victim blaming c*

PinotPony · 02/01/2025 23:59

@ChocolateIce Could you please stop with the victim blaming? Whether or not it was “unwise” or “suggestive” for OP to book a hotel is irrelevant. She was raped. You’re being incredibly insensitive.

2025HereICome · 03/01/2025 00:00

I'm so sorry that you were raped OP. Do you want to report him?

Your ex sounds like a victim blaming twat, (just like @ChocolateIce ) and neither of them should take up any of your headspace. Focus on yourself and healing from this horrible experience x

mommatoone · 03/01/2025 00:14

It's worrying when some of the replies on this thread are direct victim blaming. What gives people the right to do this. OP, it must have taken a lot to post on here. Ignore the ignorant people on here that seem to be stuck in the 1950s. As PP said this was not a consensual act by any means. It is entirely up to you how to move forward with this. There are lots of resources you can access to process what happened and help you navigate things. Don't be pressured into reporting it if you don't want to. Just be kind to yourself x

mommatoone · 03/01/2025 00:16

ChocolateIce · 02/01/2025 23:14

It was odd to book a hotel for a first date I've never heard of anyone doing that. I'm guessing he took that as a hint but doesn't make what he done ok and you clearly said no.

Good lord. I hope you don't have children! 'Took that as a hint' . Have a word with yourself. Disgraceful comment.

Lollzi86 · 03/01/2025 00:36

I booked a hotel room on a first date. As it was 30 miles away from where I live, it was winter and I knew I’d be having a couple of drinks. At no point was it a) an invitation for said date to stay over night or b) for a date to rape me. In fact we had a lovely evening and are still together 7 years on. Whoever has insinuated it’s the OPs fault for booking a hotel room and being RAPED wants a long hard look at themselves. OP I’m sorry this happened to you xx

Yung93 · 03/01/2025 00:47

BeKeenRaven · 02/01/2025 22:09

TW- potential SA

Please please be kind as it's taken a lot of courage to post here and I'm really nervous about seeing any replies.

In 2023 I organised a date with a guy I met on an app. It was in a nearby city and the plan was to go for some tea then maybe drinks after depending how we felt. Everything was lovely while we were chatting in the run up to the date and I was quite excited.

I booked a room for myself at a hotel and checked in there beforehand. The room was only for me in case I did fancy a few drinks so didn't have to drive home.

Met him and before we walked off to the restaurant I mentioned I was a bit cold and would he mind if I popped up to my room to get my coat.

He came up to the room with me (yes I know i know I shouldn't have done this but I did feel comfortable to a degree and I only intended on popping to get my coat then go straight out). Inside the room he started to make a move on me, I tried to get away and was saying let's go for dinner (i wasn't very assertive back then). Next thing i know, I was undressed and on the bed and we were having sex, however I didn't want to. I would never have been able to fight him off but I was saying I didn't want to, that I wanted to wait and I was turning my head away from him while he's on top and asking to go, again saying let's go out for a walk, I'm hungry etc. It hurt me because I wasn't aroused and I was in a little pain the next day too (got tested after, all ok). After, he went to the bathroom, had a shower then I saw him doing something on his phone, then he walked out and left. I went to text him after he had left as I was so confused as to what had happened and where he had gone and he had blocked me. That is what he must have been doing on his phone so I couldn't contact him.

What happened that night?

A few months later, I got into a relationship with a guy who I confided in who initially was aort of understanding but later on in the relationship he brought this up and said that I was asking for it by booking a room and inviting him up there. (Not with this guy anymore btw, he was super nasty to put it lightly and has been charged with DA offences towards me). Because of this what my recent ex was saying, I feel like i brought this on myself by inviting the guy up (although I did make it clear that I was only wanting to pop up to get my coat and he wouldn't have been able to get into the hotel without me because you need a key card to get in and to operate the lift. Room booked in my name only).

Please can you shed some light so I can try to move on from this as I question myself so much about it.

Thank you in advance

Hi,

First of all I just want to say sorry you have gone through this and just speaking on here is one step you have taken to seek help.

I would consider contacted the hotel and checking whether they have any CCTV for then (I know it's sometime ago but they may be able to find something, or the council where the hotel is or the local police).

I would then consider going to the police with his details (though they may be false - what he's given you) but being able to provide cctv footage of him, he may be known for this disgusting behaviour to the police already and it may be able to help you build a case and/or others may come forward with similar accusations against him and with that may help you get justice.

Either way, please try not to take this out on yourself. You have done NOTHING wrong.

orangewasp · 03/01/2025 00:49

I'm so sorry OP, you were raped. It wasn't your fault in any way at all.
The other guy was also a piece of shit.

Please seek some support/counselling about this OP, you've had a terrible experience x

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