Co parenting with a narc

[Littletea]

Hi
I am after some advice from people that are not known to me so there’s no “bias”.
i have a 4 year old daughter, been separated from father since she was 6 months old. he has her one day a week (Sunday) which is through his choice and over the years we have had various arguments as he sometimes shows up at 2pm to collect her sometimes It can be later or earlier , no consistency whatsoever. Today he is sending me message after message about how he feels he has no bond with his daughter and it’s all my fault for only allowing him to see her 2 hours a week. Which is not the case !! I have tried to even suggest he has her another day in the week, but each week it needs to be set days and times which he will not do as he says he should be able to see her any day he decides that week. I’ve not been responding to his messages but they just keep coming , I’m used to him blaming me for everything as obviously he is a typical narc and never takes accountability for his own behaviours. Do I just continue to ignore the messages ? Do I respond with the evidence where I’ve suggested him having her more ? What do I do I’m at my wits end with him.

Ciukd you ask him when he wants to see her?

I would t reply to the sob stories or the blame though. Just ignore any messages that don't directly relate to the care of your DD

Hi OP,

we’ve moved this over to our Relationships board for you as we think you might get more helpful responses.

We hope this helps!

Yes, grey rock. You know exactly what to do - make your dc available for the agreed contact time, do not otherwise engage. He is just trying to draw you in for a fight.

Buy a cheap pay as you go. Give him that number... Never reply unless it's actually about seeing dd. Keep all texts though...

Get contact court ordered.
Get time of pickup and drop off written into the order.
No exceptions apart from verifiable traffic accident, serious illness, or other similar emergency. If more than an hour late, he forfeits

Also, set up a separate email address for him to email you, and have communication restricted to text and email, and the only topics you will respond to will be related to pick up and drop-off and any illnesses or notable occurrences (happy/ upsetting/ skint knees, etc) for your DD while with him.

Ignore his whining and blaming. Do not engage.

You're in for a world of pain until he loses interest or DD turns 18.

Move to a co-parenting app and formalise communication instead of being available to him by phone?

I would probably repeat your offer of another day and say "I am happy to offer contact on Sundays, pick up time from xx and Wednesday, pick up time from xx." Just broken-record him if you feel you have to respond to him: "please see my previous message about access time."

I believe my XH is a covert narcissist. He tried to make life difficult at times. I did as Forgottobuymincepies suggested and got a PAYG SIM for communication.
The problem with a narcissist is they will always twist the narrative so that they become the victim, even when the situation is their own doing!
I Highly recommend Caroline Strawson’s resources on narcissism and relationships. I’ve found it enlightening. Thought you’d find This Facebook post interesting.

Yup, you have to continue to ignore them. He doesn't want a rational response because his thinking is completely disordered - he really believes the shit he's spouting.

If it would make you feel better you could respond once only each time with something ike, "If you'd like more time on Sunday, let me know when you will collect her" but I don't think it will actually help in terms of his reaction at all.