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Original poster

How to deal with passive aggressive manipulative ex-wife

33 replies

abridgetoofar · 02/01/2025 16:09

Hi - just a quick explainer. Partner separated from ex for several years but just finalising divorce and sale of house with ex. All was very amicable when I met him. At first I thought it was great that he got on with his ex as I think it's a real red flag when someone maligns their ex... At first I was just my usual friendly self, but she (the ex-wife) had frequent hostile outbursts and was very passive aggressive towards me. I tried to ignore it but then whenever I said anything to my partner - though he would be understanding - his attitude was, it will soon be over when we sell the house, I won't ever have to see her again kind of thing.

Things have gone from bad to worse - any efforts to try to be civil have been trashed. We all have busy schedules and for a reason I won't go into in case of outing - we tried her suggestion to use a group message app to coordinate diaries. However she stopped using it, preferring directly to speak to my partner - which is fine - but the pair of them are not that great at communicating and several times plans have got messed up and I end up being the one to have to change my plans. She goes ahead and books holidays - quite within her rights - but then expects my partner to just fall in with her plans without even giving him the chance to discuss it with me. We've both tried to get her to go back to the group chat but she refuses. The last attempt I called her - but she has this mannerism where she causes a problem, which you react to and then she blames you for the reaction. I ended the call feeling very flustered and completely gaslit.

A week after that call she asked my partner for a private chat - well, he tells me everything and apparently the private chat was her being "concerned" about him because he's distancing himself from his old friends - and she thinks I'm controlling him and being coercive. Well after I got over the shock and blooming cheek - we had a laugh about it.

But I don't quite know how to react. My partner says to do nothing because she just gets riled up - his attitude is what she says isn't true so why be bothered.

But I also know she was gossiping about me being controlling to another mutual friend. If she'd only taken the time to get to know me instead of making assumptions - she'd realise the real reason my partner is distancing himself from certain friendship groups.

What should I do? Ignore her and go on to have a happy relationship with my partner and eventually leave her in the dust or... have a word? The only thing about having a word is my point about her gaslighting - I think I'd end up coming out of it badly.

OP posts:
RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 02/01/2025 16:11

Does he have a kid with her? There was no mention of one in the OP, which would be the only reason for them to still communicate, he can set up a parenting app if so.
The woman is nothing to do with you, which is a great thing! Decline to get involved.

Fluffyholeysocks · 02/01/2025 16:13

She sounds jealous of you and wants to create trouble between you and your partner. She wants drama, so give her none. No confrontation for her to run back to DP about showing 'concern'. Just smile and wave.

username299 · 02/01/2025 16:14

I'm not sure why you need to be involved in their chats, presumably about their children. It's for them to work out child care arrangements.

Don't talk to her if she's rude and passive aggressive. Your partner is overly friendly with her if she is calling him with concerns.

MJconfessions · 02/01/2025 16:18

I think you’re way too involved too involved in this. Just stop. Let him deal with her. He needs to tell her he’s awaiting your input if a decision requires your schedule etc

MrTiddlesTheCat · 02/01/2025 16:20

Sounds like you're involving yourself in things you should be keeping out of. I'm not surprised she has an issue with you.

OhBling · 02/01/2025 16:21

I'm assuming holiday plans are because of childcare? The issue here is NOT the ex, but your DP. If she texts him and asks him to have the DC because she is going away, it is on HIM to discuss that with you and then to agree that those dates work and text her back. If he can't do that, then really, that's on him, not her.

Madamegreen · 02/01/2025 16:38

OhBling · 02/01/2025 16:21

I'm assuming holiday plans are because of childcare? The issue here is NOT the ex, but your DP. If she texts him and asks him to have the DC because she is going away, it is on HIM to discuss that with you and then to agree that those dates work and text her back. If he can't do that, then really, that's on him, not her.

The op states.
'She goes ahead and books holidays - quite within her rights - but then expects my partner to just fall in with her plans without even giving him the chance to discuss it with me'.

Co-parenting means cooperation between all parties, not just making plans willy-nilly without discussing, then making sure those plans are suitable for everyone. With an agreed timescale for all parties.

The ops post is unfortunately typical of two exes who are still emotionally invested in each other. Hence the incessant niggling. It's not uncommon.

OhBling · 02/01/2025 16:40

Madamegreen · 02/01/2025 16:38

The op states.
'She goes ahead and books holidays - quite within her rights - but then expects my partner to just fall in with her plans without even giving him the chance to discuss it with me'.

Co-parenting means cooperation between all parties, not just making plans willy-nilly without discussing, then making sure those plans are suitable for everyone. With an agreed timescale for all parties.

The ops post is unfortunately typical of two exes who are still emotionally invested in each other. Hence the incessant niggling. It's not uncommon.

Show quote history

Yes, but the point is that OP's DP needs to say to his x, "I'll get back to you tomorrow re those dates", not ignore the message either. it is NOT on OP to fix the ex's behaviour bt it is on her to make surer her DP understands that HIS behaviour is a big part of this problem and he needs to fix it.

rightinthedavinamccalls · 02/01/2025 16:45

I'm struggling to see why you need to be involved at all in their conversations. If he says he'll never have to see her again after the house sale, it doesn't sound as if children are involved.

Original poster
abridgetoofar · 02/01/2025 16:47

I have no desire to be involved with their plans - not childcare - I was just going along with what she asked for. A case of trying to do the right thing and still being wrong. Yes, my partner needs to be better - he is soft - but she plays on it a lot. The group messaging is by the by - it went wrong. The trying to talk to him about me being controlling is the concerning thing - luckily he just ignored her - but that kind of thing can do real damage. I was in a controlling/abusive relationship - while it's great to know he has friends who would look out for him - but honestly if she'd only taken time to get to know me rather than be frosty. It's the assumption that - her ex is moving on from her so it must be because I am distancing him from his friends! Rather than he is just moving on...

OP posts:
username299 · 02/01/2025 16:48

If they don't have children, what are they regularly planning?

rightinthedavinamccalls · 02/01/2025 16:53

Well if there's no childcare involved, just offer him advice and don't have anything to do with her if she's affecting you. My DHs ex had him jumping through several hoops when I met him (he's a softy too), but rather than getting involved with her me and his mother could only advise him from the sidelines and luckily he listened and sorted it.

Evenworseformeeces · 02/01/2025 16:55

I’m assuming that they are discussing the financial arrangements/ house sale ect? Personally I think you’re too involved in this. Whether it’s you inserting yourself in the situation, or your DP triangulating, I would just remove myself from the situation if I were you and leave him to deal with his ex.

My divorce dragged on for so long that both myself and my exH were seeing other people whilst still trying to sell the house. I can’t imagine wanting my current DP (who I was seeing at the time) or my exHs then DP being involved like you are.

JessiesJ99 · 02/01/2025 16:55

username299 · 02/01/2025 16:48

If they don't have children, what are they regularly planning?

They do have children.

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 02/01/2025 16:56

So there's zero need for them to be in contact, then, apart from the fact that one or both must like it to some degree.
A house sale can be done via solicitors.
@JessiesJ99 where did you see that?

OrchardBlack · 02/01/2025 16:57

OP, are there kids?

username299 · 02/01/2025 16:58

JessiesJ99 · 02/01/2025 16:55

They do have children.

Show quote history

Then what does this mean?

I have no desire to be involved with their plans - not childcare -

JessiesJ99 · 02/01/2025 16:59

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 02/01/2025 16:56

So there's zero need for them to be in contact, then, apart from the fact that one or both must like it to some degree.
A house sale can be done via solicitors.
@JessiesJ99 where did you see that?

Edited

Well I assumed they do due to the reference to holiday. If no kids then all seems v ridiculous.

StarlightStalagmite · 02/01/2025 16:59

Either they are co-parents and their co-parenting relationship will need to continue after divorce, or there's no reason why their divorce proceedings etc should have anything to do with last minute holiday plans. Unless it's a shared pet in which case you're all being ridiculous.

JessiesJ99 · 02/01/2025 17:01

I'm new here. How do I know if someone has responded to my post without having to go back into thread...??! Thanks 😊

MzHz · 02/01/2025 17:02

Just bin off the group chat, tell her no texts or calls and email only. he needs to block her otherwise

Sounds extreme, but if she engages with your OH and he agrees plans, then he picks up the pieces, if not then the email goes back, that doesn't suit.

As for the 'quiet chat' about his life - that is out of order and your DH knows this, he needs to go grey rock, say yes/no only be bland and let her have her drama all onnher own. Dont call her, don't take calls - ever - and leave her to stew.

she has inviegled her way in to far too much power and is trying to call the shots. if she emails anything other than critical plans, your H needs to ignore.

She is not as malicious as my OH ex, but the grey rock is needed here. If need be 'Ex, my life is none of your business anymore and I'm not going to engage with you on this'

JessiesJ99 · 02/01/2025 17:02

username299 · 02/01/2025 16:58

Then what does this mean?

I have no desire to be involved with their plans - not childcare -

Show quote history

I took it to mean she has no desire to be involved in their childcare plans.

username299 · 02/01/2025 17:04

JessiesJ99 · 02/01/2025 17:02

I took it to mean she has no desire to be involved in their childcare plans.

Show quote history

I take it to mean they're making plans, not about childcare.

Mockingjay876 · 02/01/2025 17:05

I’m a bit confused tbh. Even if they have shared children, you don’t need to communicate with his ex wife at all. Especially when she behaves like an arse hole. Leave dp to deal with her.

JessiesJ99 · 02/01/2025 17:05

Although from reading again maybe no kids? He commented that he won't have to see her again after house sells so I guess not.... I'm really confused then why they have these chats etc..set up.