How to deal with passive aggressive manipulative ex-wife

[abridgetoofar]

Hi - just a quick explainer. Partner separated from ex for several years but just finalising divorce and sale of house with ex. All was very amicable when I met him. At first I thought it was great that he got on with his ex as I think it's a real red flag when someone maligns their ex... At first I was just my usual friendly self, but she (the ex-wife) had frequent hostile outbursts and was very passive aggressive towards me. I tried to ignore it but then whenever I said anything to my partner - though he would be understanding - his attitude was, it will soon be over when we sell the house, I won't ever have to see her again kind of thing.

Things have gone from bad to worse - any efforts to try to be civil have been trashed. We all have busy schedules and for a reason I won't go into in case of outing - we tried her suggestion to use a group message app to coordinate diaries. However she stopped using it, preferring directly to speak to my partner - which is fine - but the pair of them are not that great at communicating and several times plans have got messed up and I end up being the one to have to change my plans. She goes ahead and books holidays - quite within her rights - but then expects my partner to just fall in with her plans without even giving him the chance to discuss it with me. We've both tried to get her to go back to the group chat but she refuses. The last attempt I called her - but she has this mannerism where she causes a problem, which you react to and then she blames you for the reaction. I ended the call feeling very flustered and completely gaslit.

A week after that call she asked my partner for a private chat - well, he tells me everything and apparently the private chat was her being "concerned" about him because he's distancing himself from his old friends - and she thinks I'm controlling him and being coercive. Well after I got over the shock and blooming cheek - we had a laugh about it.

But I don't quite know how to react. My partner says to do nothing because she just gets riled up - his attitude is what she says isn't true so why be bothered.

But I also know she was gossiping about me being controlling to another mutual friend. If she'd only taken the time to get to know me instead of making assumptions - she'd realise the real reason my partner is distancing himself from certain friendship groups.

What should I do? Ignore her and go on to have a happy relationship with my partner and eventually leave her in the dust or... have a word? The only thing about having a word is my point about her gaslighting - I think I'd end up coming out of it badly.

Why are you trying to communicate with the ex wife. Their separation and the plans/details of same have nothing to do with you. You sound absolutely painful tbh. A group chat so you can be included in their communication???? Give over!

Do they have children? How many and what ages? How long have you been together?

OP in the nicest possible way you need to take a massive step back.

You tried. She caused issues. You do NOT need to change any plans. If asked say, on repeat, “I had a working solution she refused to engage with it”.

As for the controlling comment - she is actively trying to wind you up to get a rise from you. If it works she will rejoice and relish telling everyone all about it (with some embellishment).

Believe me I speak from experience. My husband’s ex looked me up on social media then told everyone who would listen (including him) that he was a paedophile. I don’t look my age but I’m actually older than him! He told her this but apparently she didn’t believe him.

We won by not engaging in her nonsense and instead laughed amongst ourselves at her various antics. We placed bets on her “next move”. She absolutely hated it. Lashed out quite a bit and eventually calmed down when she realised her efforts were fruitless.

It’s your partners job to liaise with his ex, not yours and I can see you being involved would annoy her. You don’t need to have any contact children or not. Leave them to sort it out.

Exactly... and I can actually see why the ex thinks that she's controlling if she's inserting herself in their business all the time.

but honestly if she'd only taken time to get to know me rather than be frosty

Why would she want to get to know you? You’re not friends. You need to butt out completely.

You sound quite desperate for her approval.

This.

I ignored my DP's ex so she tried to cause other trouble. This blew up in her face.

In some ways, I think your DP has the right attitude. I would word is as grey rocking rather than ‘just leave her. It will boil over soon’. But that’s exactly the same thing.

She clearly has an issue with you so dint get involved and leave it to your DP. If things go tits up because he hasn’t checked with you, it’s HIS RESPONSIBILITY. Not hers, not yours.
If I was you, I’d be careful to always be rearranging things around them. I’d carry on with my plans, with or wo your DP. Up to him to learn to stand up to her tbh.

Im not sure why there are so many things to organise that plans can clash so much and so often if he doesn’t have children with her. Why do they need to meet up so often if they’re just selling a house? Or is it that it’s tye house she is living in and she doesn’t want to move??

The trying to talk to him about me being controlling is the concerning thing - luckily he just ignored her - but that kind of thing can do real damage

Let’s be honest there. There aren’t many possibilities

• You’re controlling and he listens to her. Great fur him (and her for speaking up)
• You’re not controlling and this will totally absurd to him. Normal reaction.
• Youre not controlling but somehow he believes her. It would say a lot about your relationship, the lack of trust (on his side) and how easy he is to manipulate and unable to deal with shit stirring. Not great points fir him tbh

I think the comment hit you because of your own experience of abuse and controlling behaviour. It doesn’t make her comments real though and not should it mean your DP is at risk of been influenced by crazy allegations.