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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Views on this

45 replies

Bellej88xx · 02/01/2025 14:31

Is your partner a man, allowed to pull down your top? This happened at a new years eve party. I was unaware due to being intoxicated. But I was today my by sister that he'll pulled down my top then my bra infront of my sister and her partner. I have confronted him about it but he has just said I need to grow up as we were all drunk.
Obviously it's put me in a situation now where I'm never going to drink again. I don't feel fine about it or anything even though I was unaware it happened until now.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Joelle84 · 02/01/2025 14:34

No thats really disrespectful to do that. His response tells you all you need to know about his attitude. Is this something you want to tolerate going forward?

GetyourheadoutoftheovenIris · 02/01/2025 14:45

Allowed? Not at all and it wouldn’t be a discussion that we would need to have because he wouldn’t be so disrespectful.

Does he have form for being so disgusting?

username299 · 02/01/2025 14:52

OP you need to stop drinking if you are so intoxicated you don't remember being exposed. Although I see you've already decided that.

I would dump him.

Original poster
Bellej88xx · 02/01/2025 14:53

GetyourheadoutoftheovenIris · 02/01/2025 14:45

Allowed? Not at all and it wouldn’t be a discussion that we would need to have because he wouldn’t be so disrespectful.

Does he have form for being so disgusting?

No this is the first time this has happened in nearly 8 years. His actual words was he only got my nipple out licked it and that's it. But my sister stated he unzipped my hoodie and pulled down my vest and then my sports bra. She said I quickly covered back up. I feel like utter crap as I have a memory block of most of that night. And feel so degrading about it all. And ashamed I couldn't apologise anymore to my sister today I feel so embarrassed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellej88xx · 02/01/2025 14:55

username299 · 02/01/2025 14:52

OP you need to stop drinking if you are so intoxicated you don't remember being exposed. Although I see you've already decided that.

I would dump him.

Yes that's something I won't be doing again.

OP posts:
Simonjt · 02/01/2025 14:56

No, and I’m a man too so nothing to show and he still wouldn’t do that. If he is happy to do that with an audience, I would be very concerned about what he might do if you were alone and very drunk or asleep.

Original poster
Bellej88xx · 02/01/2025 14:57

Joelle84 · 02/01/2025 14:34

No thats really disrespectful to do that. His response tells you all you need to know about his attitude. Is this something you want to tolerate going forward?

That's what i said to him that it was degrading and disrespectful towards me. But he isn't obviously taking his actions as wrong.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2025 14:57

Why are you embarrassed? You were sexually assaulted. Unless you have given prior permission for your partner to initiate sexual contact without your permission, while unconscious, he assaulted you.

I'd report him. The least you should do is start to leave him.

And why the fuck didn't they stop him? I'd have lamped someone who tried this with any unconscious woman.

Original poster
Bellej88xx · 02/01/2025 14:59

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2025 14:57

Why are you embarrassed? You were sexually assaulted. Unless you have given prior permission for your partner to initiate sexual contact without your permission, while unconscious, he assaulted you.

I'd report him. The least you should do is start to leave him.

And why the fuck didn't they stop him? I'd have lamped someone who tried this with any unconscious woman.

No i didn't give permission. He has known for 8 years I don't like my body on show let alone my private parts. I feel utterly sick the more I think about it. And embarrassed as I didn't know it happened.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2025 15:01

Then it was assault and since there are witnesses, you could report to the police. At least you could tell him you are considering that.

But you do need to stay safe and end the relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2025 15:02

Anger not embarrassment.

ACynicalDad · 02/01/2025 15:03

That's grim, I don't know anyone that would do that or find that anything but awful.

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 15:04

What he did was far from ok. If it was an isolated experience in an eight year relationship, I might be able to move past it. I don’t know though because I haven’t been in this predicament. It just seems a lot to give up over one bad moment. I would definitely expect a HUGE apology and genuine remorse from him though.

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 15:06

I would also suggest HE reduces HIS drinking too. The onus shouldn’t be on you to stop drinking to make sure this doesn’t happen again!

Cosycover · 02/01/2025 15:07

Are you ending the relationship? This is disgraceful.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2025 15:13

StormingNorman · 02/01/2025 15:04

What he did was far from ok. If it was an isolated experience in an eight year relationship, I might be able to move past it. I don’t know though because I haven’t been in this predicament. It just seems a lot to give up over one bad moment. I would definitely expect a HUGE apology and genuine remorse from him though.

'Moment' and 'experience' don't really cover the fact that knowing she would hate it, he exposed her in public and then sexually assaulted her.

RedRock41 · 02/01/2025 15:14

Not right. Thank goodness your sister told you. Appalling behaviour and his attitude so dismissive. This is not someone who respects you. It is potentially a form of assault. 8 years or not I’d be ending it. The shame should be his for his disgusting conduct. OP remember you did nothing wrong.

Nothatgingerpirate · 02/01/2025 15:14

No, not at all like this, ever.

Tillow4ever · 02/01/2025 15:18

This is awful. I'm so sorry he did that to you. It is not ok in any circumstances, but even more so knowing you don't like your body on show. The fact he isn't apologised but instead has tried to gaslight you into thinking this is normal and you are being a prude worries me too. What else does he convince you is ok when you didn't actually like it?

8 days, 8 months, 8 years, 8 decades - doesn't matter how long it's been, this is a relationship ended for me.

Out of curiosity, do you feel you drank enough that you shouldn't be able to remember stuff? Does this happen often when drinking? Or perhaps only when drinking with him? Could he be slipping something in your drink to enable him to take advantage of you whilst you are in a state?

Original poster
Bellej88xx · 02/01/2025 15:19

ACynicalDad · 02/01/2025 15:03

That's grim, I don't know anyone that would do that or find that anything but awful.

That's my thoughts exactly. But I'm being branded as the bad person as I've kicked off and told him how I feel about it all. I just feel like I've been taken advantage of in a situation where I wasn't aware of it happening. I'm sitting here trying to remember but nothing is coming back to me and that's what is scary.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 02/01/2025 15:22

This is vile, disrespectful behaviour. Get rid. And stop drinking.

Original poster
Bellej88xx · 02/01/2025 15:24

Tillow4ever · 02/01/2025 15:18

This is awful. I'm so sorry he did that to you. It is not ok in any circumstances, but even more so knowing you don't like your body on show. The fact he isn't apologised but instead has tried to gaslight you into thinking this is normal and you are being a prude worries me too. What else does he convince you is ok when you didn't actually like it?

8 days, 8 months, 8 years, 8 decades - doesn't matter how long it's been, this is a relationship ended for me.

Out of curiosity, do you feel you drank enough that you shouldn't be able to remember stuff? Does this happen often when drinking? Or perhaps only when drinking with him? Could he be slipping something in your drink to enable him to take advantage of you whilst you are in a state?

To the point i can remember i didn't have that much to drink. I did say to my sister today to feel as ill as I did the next day considering I don't think I drank that much. We don't normally drink completely coffee total. We normally celebrate new years eve with family members. But this time this happened. Nothing has happened like this beforehand. Not even on other new years.

OP posts:
GetyourheadoutoftheovenIris · 02/01/2025 15:27

username299 · 02/01/2025 14:52

OP you need to stop drinking if you are so intoxicated you don't remember being exposed. Although I see you've already decided that.

I would dump him.

Or we could consider that op felt safe enough to be intoxicated with people that she should be able to trust?

Or we could suggest that she may have been spiked?

or we could just go with the victim blaming route because it’s really cute and fluffy? Big kisses.

username299 · 02/01/2025 15:30

GetyourheadoutoftheovenIris · 02/01/2025 15:27

Or we could consider that op felt safe enough to be intoxicated with people that she should be able to trust?

Or we could suggest that she may have been spiked?

or we could just go with the victim blaming route because it’s really cute and fluffy? Big kisses.

Show quote history

Big fluffy kisses back😘

Or we can trust the grown adult who said they drank too much and are going to stop drinking. 😘

AlertCat · 02/01/2025 15:34

Bellej88xx · 02/01/2025 15:24

To the point i can remember i didn't have that much to drink. I did say to my sister today to feel as ill as I did the next day considering I don't think I drank that much. We don't normally drink completely coffee total. We normally celebrate new years eve with family members. But this time this happened. Nothing has happened like this beforehand. Not even on other new years.

Show quote history

I would be really concerned. Does your sister agree you didn’t drink that much?

i used to drink quite a lot but one time I remember going with a boyfriend to the pub at around lunchtime. I remember one drink and the next thing I was aware of was suddenly finding myself washing up at home. My boyfriend wasn’t there and when I rang him, he said we’d had a fight so he’d got on a train to go home (LDR). Nothing like this has ever happened in such a way to me before or since- if I had memory gaps I was also aware of drinking way in excess. I have wondered since if he spiked my drink with something in order to have an excuse to go home (horror show of a relationship really).
Your story makes me wonder similar. I wonder also if he tries to push your boundaries in any other ways?